DS1 and mroning behaviour, how to raise with SS (due today for DS3's assessment anyhoe) without looking like a bad Mummy?

[Peachy]

DS1 has basically lost it in the mornings. Don't know its an extendsion of the agoraphobia (rasied that with APed but was answered with 'glad its all going so well, now we have introduced a policy of automatic discharge for HFA children after a year post-DX so if you need us again you need to see your GP for a new referral'- ie an 8 month waiting list) or a new school phobia, it did kick off with transfer to Junior school and worsened with the buyllying incident.

He says it will continue as long as X (yep, that ubiquitous X) is at the school. I have explained that I can do nothing about X attending, that X has his own issues (possible ADHD, SS invovlement due to neglect etc) but he doesn't care- how would he? Empathy is probaly his biggest issue.

But morning are at my limit now; he stims constantly (screeches smelly jelly) and I counted 14 attacks on his brothers ust today- pushing, biting, kicking. I cant leven leave long enough to use the loo or get dressed atm without an attack, and its a bloody nightmare time.

Dh can't be around during workdays- he either returns as we are leaving, or gets home at 6.30am so unfair to wake him at 7.30 for a kick off!

DS2's poor face is scratched to bits, and still ahs the remnants of a bite mark too. Hekeeps asking if him, me and Daddy can go live elsewhere (DS3 is copying the behaviours a bit). . If I do anything to cheer up ds2, even a cuddle, he gets the aggression even worse from ds1 who thinks he should be the ojnly recipient of my time.

SS chidlren with disabilities team are due today but I am scared if I emphasise the violence too much they'll think I am not supervising- I am. I am doing my utter best. But short of getting up even earlier- and therefore getting 4 hours of broken sleep by the time ds3 has ahd his 3am wander etc- what can I do?

OMG Peachy, you are having a hellish time. I can't really offer advice, just hugs. The situation with my DS is different because he is smaller (only 4 1/2), but I have an absolute zero tolerance policy on aggression and if he does it even a bit, I make myself into the most frightening angry-faced mummy possible, shout in the deepest most frightening voice and then take him upstairs where I wash and condition his hair (his pet hate). I am not being violent, and I would never ever hit him, but I am showing him that I am boss and that violence has consequences he won't like. But I know that is just me, and it may be completely useless in your case. Plus of course you can't tell SS this stuff, as they expect us to control the kids but don't want us actually to do anything about it! I do not think anyone hearing your story would think you are not being the best possible mum in the most trying of circumstances though. Just tell them what you tell MN and they will see! Big hugs!

Oh dear Peachy, I've only got the one ds to sort out in the morning, and that's bad enough, I really feel for you.

I'd be inclined to tell it how it is, surely they'd understand how difficult it can be with an ASD child, they can't possibly blame you for not being with him every minute of the morning, or am I just plain naive? They need to help you so they've got to see how bad it is.

Good luck.

The problem is, SS have ds3 registered but won't count ds1- absically AS/ HFA isnt a qualifying factor for SS here. Now that might be OK except that the assessment criteria local aped uses is putrely language based; so the fact that DS1 developed language appropriately means he gets the HFA / AS label, despite him actually being in many ways more 'autistic' than other kids with that label I know, and certainly mroe challenging that ds3.

Don't make sense. But its the way it is.

Last time I rasied ds1's violence I was told tor eport him to the child ptrotection team.

there's nobody near us at all, which is why we're having a homebirth- 2 hour trip for DH to nearest childcare. We're asking for DP's to help with ds1 but getting an answer....well...... LOL

So the SS will only involve themselves with a child that has been labelled ASD and not HFA?

Yes, that's their stated criteria.
We've been through this all befopre- trying again because of ds3 and ds2 needing teh young carers support scheme.

Silly thing is DS1 and DS3 both get DLA at higher rate- why does that not count? Surely in many ways thats far more relevant?

We're near a city, but my family live in Somerset as do DH's, and the only ones that drive are my sister who had a baby 2.5 weeks ago, and my otehr sister who is batty and scary and works 15 hour days to avoid her own son anyhow.

Actualy, SS are worried about our lack of support groups too- think thats why they are actually making a return visit this time, tbh. Be interesting to hear what they have to say. Keep wishing school would front up about ds2's cuts etc but they ahd ds1 last year and were quite atatched to him.

I do wish Juniors oculd deal with X- he IS a nightmare, fires abuse at DH if he goes in to colect ds1, and his Mum isn't even there to collect himmost days after I've managed 3. Its not expulsion he needs, its a hig and some proper intervention!

Right must go (thanks for the suport- aprpeciated)- ds3 ahs found ds1's advent calendar- oh shite

And then a secret santa parcel arrives and you realise how alone you might NOT be after all!

Peachy what a nightmare for you!! I don't know your full situation, but I don't think you should be just telling social services, I think you should be asking (or insisting) on some help or support.

My DS1 (9) AS, sometimes attacks DS2 (7) and DD (5), and I know how hard it can be. I feel terrible for the younger 2. DS2 is also starting to pick up DS1s behaviour, and we have had a few 'incidents' at school. You can only watch them so much, you have to turn your back on them or nothing would ever get done. I does not made you a bad/neglectful parent.

Let us know how you get on xx

ps hope the advent calender survivied!

SS just gone

NEITHER boy is entitled to any help from SS because (quote)

'Mr and Mrs P are intelligent loving aprents whoa re able to access help shoudl the need arise'

Now e're not, not if none exists to access.

they ahve suggested HelP! (cant do it as runs on a day I cant amke it) and a befirneder (DS1 has been on list for as long as its been running with no match).

Apaprently ds1's school ahev said he's happy there and no problems! (fuming at that)

Also aware that when DLA comes up for renewal, with s1 being discharged from everywhere now there's no chance of a renewal- nobosy wants to know.

Oh but I snet them away with a mumsnet flyer or 10 for toehr poeple

Seriosuly wishing I ahdnt spent 4 hours down on my hands and knees (with SPD) cleaning up the shitheap our house generally is for the visit because I ws so ashamed

God Peachy, what a pain. If you look like you are trying your hardest to cope, you get no help! Not fair!

Oh Peachy, that's a bad outcome, I'm sorry you can't get the help that you really need.

Peachy, we get DLA for son 1 and SS have never been contacted and don't know we exist so you don't need them to get it.

Really sorry to hear about your nightmare mornings. Son 1 also used to be awful but in a non-cooperative way rather than violent which if the worst came to the worst (and it did!) I could physically bundle him in his clothes. I used to have to play silly games with him to jolly him up enough to get him to cooperate. He used to say constantly 'I'm not going to school' I counted once - he said it 48 times in one day. I resorted to bribery in the end. If he was good then he went to the park after school or something.
I used to rehearse with him situations so 'what are you going to do if X does this?' and it gave him some strategies and some control. Things did improve though. I can't suggest anything useful really but sending you virtual support and wine (red or white?)

The problem with the DLA is everybody has passed him to someone else- and there is literally no professionals invovled now, paed said to get DP's from SS; SS said they can't help us; etc etc etc. So there's nobody to sign any forms for su or anything.

Am going to keep a very accurate DLA diary now though, and one day turn it into a book and publish it and make them allr elaise how fecking useless they all are.

Might even help with my MA too, who knows?