Funeral with special need children.

[Tinydancer321]

Hello, some back ground here. My Nan actually was my legal parent since a baby (she looked after me as mum had severe mental health issues). We were very close, I use to see her weekly and FaceTime and text daily. During Covid this was harder, and towards the end it got harder as my children’s Sen means they are very full on my Nan was poorly and they were a bit much.
However I always called and text and visited her in hospital and we were always there for each other.
Sadly she passed away.
Her funeral is coming up and I don’t know what to do. I have 11, 9 and a 6 year old all with autism.
My 6 year old doesn’t understand.
My hubby has been in my nans life for 18 years, and he would help them out and they were lovely to him as he doesn’t have supportive family.
The funeral was booked for 3.30, we never have anyone to have the children, my hubby mum never did but passed away 6 weeks ago, my Nan was elderly and all my friends are Sen friends and I have 3 kids with Sen. So it’s a lot. We don’t ever have any restbite etc.
So either my hubby can’t come or we bring the children, my aunty is just like bring them Nan would want them there. However no one else is bringing children (ours are the youngest).
My son has severe anxiety, he uses a Sen buggy, he can’t manage shops, (actually he screamed through our wedding and we only had 2 witnesses as knew we couldn’t
Do a big wedding because of the kids needs).
I have wrote a social story and the crematorium have been great and letting us visit this weekend. He has severe death anxiety, and up most nights worrying we will die. My hubby is fully aware he maybe outside with him.
My 11 year old I think Will be fine, my 6 year old I think Will just talk about
Roblox and want to go.
Part of me is saying we shouldn’t bring them and I should go on my own. However my family is nice but I’m very much the odd one, me Nan were the closest to each other. My other family have their mums there and their family, my aunties will have each other (one I doesn’t like me that much Tbf). Did t won’t be awkuared but obviously I wanted my husband there.
Also to add to issues, this is 2 days before I’m due! (Pregnant). I fee vulnerable driving down there (not far) but obviously I’m going to be upset driving back.
My Nan was my family like the only person I was close with who had my back.
I feel selfish bringing the kids and worry the effect it will have on them.
Hubby can’t get me if I go into labour as I will have the car (hoping for a home birth as have no one to have the kids).
I feel so torn. 😢

I think in your situation I would leave the children with DH and travel by train to the funeral, then he would have the car to fetch you if needed and you won’t have the enormous stress of trying to manage the children’s behaviour.

Otherwise could DH drive you and take the children somewhere for an hour or so though I appreciate that may be very difficult for him to manage.

So sorry for your loss 💐

Thanks, it’s not train but there is no buses either we live in the middle of no where. I have also been trying to not mix with the public as the thought of Covid while giving birth worries me.
I know my grandad was upset, but I was a bit upset with the time he booked tbh. 🤦🏼‍♀️. However even any day he booked I can’t promise to be there so can’t say anything. Xx

@Evenstar yes we thought of that. I have asked for my youngest to have the day of for a funeral, but they would need the day off school just to take me! Because it’s 3.30! The older 2 are at a den school so he wouldn’t be back for the taxi or back to do the school run for the youngest.

I feel full of excuses the only way Is to drive myself. I’m sad enough she will never meet the baby. I was so scared when I found out I was pregnant (massive suprise I have actually needed fertility treatment for my 3), but she was the one behind us saying if anyone can do it we can. I’m just a mess, but I would of done anything for her to meet her. She was the one excited, the person who would ask how I’m feeling, remind me to take it easy etc. I’m a emotional mess anyway 😂

I wouldn't take him, not least because a funeral would be pretty upsetting for any child, let alone one with a serious death phobia.

@Darkchocolateandcoffee that’s what I was thinking. I’m so sad my hubby can’t come 😭. I am worried about the long term effects. 🤦🏼‍♀️

I think an 11 year old is just at the cusp of when I'd expect to take a child to a funeral anyway, that's before you put SN into the mix. My DM died recently and her eldest grandchild (16) was there but her next eldest (12) was not. A lot of that had to do with Covid etc, but still no-one batted an eyelid about the other DGC not being there.

I would go by yourself. You'll be fine to manage the drive as long as you take a bit of time to yourself before you get back into the car. If there isn't a 'cup of tea' type thing afterwards then take some water and a snack and take all the time you need to compose yourself. Let DH deal with the kids. It's fine to do it the easiest way for you.

There is a wake after but I’m not really happy going, I’m full of anxiety anyway and the funeral will be enough. I know they will judge but I feel Nan would of been happy with that decision.
I’m just gutted hubby won’t be there. My cousins partner will be who my Nan met once 🤦🏼‍♀️. But I need to think about the kids don’t I

You actually need to think about you and what will make things easier for you. You can do a little ceremony at home for just the kids, maybe? But for the funeral itself then you do what makes your life and your grief easier.

@NoYOUbekind thank you.that’s the issue even with all this would be being hubby and kids. We are well use to walking out side in the middle of things. 🤦🏼‍♀️. We have tried weddings and end up out side lol. I’m anxious anyway, I’m in this shaded grey area in the family. My cousins are ok, but there is a rift within the family which will make it difficult to Where to sit (tbh I would rather sit on my own than get involved with that drama).
But in my heart I feel selfish bringing the children, they are not ready, and it’s not the right place. Just knowing hubby was there would make me feel better, I have done a social story and trying to do it right, but my heart is saying they shouldn’t go through it.
Obviously I’m finding it worrying that it’s 2 days before due (first was a day early the other 2 were due date). So prob nothing to worry about. But it worries me 😂.

If you are worrying about going into labour, it would be sensible to put your hospital bag and notes in the car in case, I think that would be reassuring and I am sure a family member would step up and help if needed.

@Evenstar I’m hoping for a home birth or will be in labour in my own in hospital anyway. I will need to drive home as we will need the car.

Could you hire a couple or three qualified carers who are experienced in looking after kids with AN to meet you at the place the funeral's held at and let them look after the children outside in the grounds whilst you and your husband attend the service?

That way, put your hospital bag in the car, you all drive there, you and DH go to the service, your children are being looked after by the hired experienced staff yet are close enough for you and DH to be 'on hand' if necessary, then after the service you all drive home.

Leave dh with dc. Is the service being broadcast so he can join via zoom?