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Original poster

Those of you with older children with LD's - help please please please

68 replies

yurt1 · 03/12/2007 20:46

Does it ever get less physical? DS1 has come on in so many ways this year, but we are losing the battle in a physical sense.

I ache all over. My knee has gone from being pulled over my him in the street. My wrists are killing me from taking him out yesterday. I took him for a walk round an old part of town- he tried to get into every house or pub we passed- every time I needed 2 hands to keep him out with him straining to get in. When it was time to go home he started screaming the place down and I had to drag him the first 20 yards (after which he was absolutely fine).

My back has gone from constantly having to push him upstairs- he won't go up for bed or a bath, although will accept it once he's been pushed. We can't leave him in the kitchen- he knows that and accepts it but he has to be dragged out (after which he accepts it).

If I sit down he comes and lies on my head and bends my neck. When I walk down the stairs he is constantly wrapping his arms around my neck (from behind and several stairs up) and then leaning with his full weight on me. Throughout the day he comes for a cuddle which turns into a crush and a neck grab. My neck is covered in scratches, my arms from bruises and he feels like he's dislodged something around my voicebox (sounds dramatic but he's injured it in some way).

He is only 8 years old but so strong. I really fear for the future.

None (or very little) is aggressive. Quite the opposite - it's affectionate. He's just too physical. Of course its constantly reinforced. I don't want to shout at him to get off (reinforcing) so I try to push him off, but he's crushing me so much that I have to be physically firm to move him- which he loves.

He's constantly exploring and testing boundaries. He understands that he's not allowed to do certain things but he just does them anyway then shouts and shouts and shouts when refused (he finds this very amusing).

I'm exhausted- please tell me that compliance kicks in or I can't see us getting through the teen years. This presumably is pre-hormones.

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silverfrog · 03/12/2007 21:00

Oh, so sorry yurt1, it sounds so hard.

I don't have much experience of this,as dd1 is only 3, but she often behaves as oyu describe too, and I have despaired about the future.
As you say, it's the double bugger of the reinforcement that gets me - you can't accept the behaviour as it's unacceptable, but you can't correct the behaviour as that is reinforcing.

My step daughter has AS (she is now 18) and she was a real pain throughout her teens as she would lean/stand too close/stroke insistently/sit on lap - we had quite a row once when I pointed out that as she was now bigger than me I could no longer let her sit on my lap - it took at least a year after that for her to stop trying. She will still sit too close on the sofa though, and takes any opportunity to lean.

Sorry, that's not very positive really. I wish I knew how to handle it (I too often resort to shouting with dd1, which does work (for now) except it does make it impossible for me to tell her not to shout )

Dinosaur · 03/12/2007 21:04

Oh yurt

I am as much use as a chocolate teapot but I couldn't not post - thinking of you.

Original poster
yurt1 · 03/12/2007 21:07

He's now running up and down the stairs. melatonin would get him to sleep but we would have to force feed it to him which I cannot face.

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Dinosaur · 03/12/2007 21:08

aaaaaaarrrrggghhh

here, DS3 is doing his pieces in the bathroom while the other two try to get to sleep in their room, I am drinking red wine and pretending it's not happening.

anniebear · 03/12/2007 21:10

I sm sorry I have no advice

feel bad as you have always had lots of advice and given me support, sorry

It sounds so so hard.

Original poster
yurt1 · 03/12/2007 21:29

Honestly I've just totally lost the plot. I can't do 10 more years of this.

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Dinosaur · 03/12/2007 21:30

have a glass of wine

or two

onlyjoking9329 · 03/12/2007 21:31

i so wished i had some wise words for you Yurt but sadly i have none
i supose you could do what i do when things get too much, gallon glass of wine?

Dinosaur · 03/12/2007 21:32

sorry, that is a bit flippant

am trying to pluck up courage to go upstairs and see what's happening

ladygrinningsanta · 03/12/2007 21:35

or a stiff whisky.

I am also a chocolate teapot - but thinking of you.

Dinosaur · 03/12/2007 21:43

Where's your DH - is he not around to help?

Original poster
yurt1 · 03/12/2007 21:47

dh is working 15 hour days. He's just spent half an hour with him upstairs (after I'd stropped off shouting that he needs to be sent away because I can't cope anymore- nice eh?) - dh came out of the room thinking ds1 had settled- and ds1 immediately ran out - laughing. We haven't eaten, we both have work to do. If I knew this was just a phase I could cope. I honestly cannot spend 10 years like this though- no-one could. DH (bless him) shouted a bit in the kitchen when ds1 reappeared (not at ds1) and went back upstairs to settle him again. He knows I have had enough. He is now cooking dinner.

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lottiejenkins · 03/12/2007 21:48

I know I have mentioned Unisafe on here before but can't remember who too.........................www.unisafe.co.uk/

Am hoping this may be available in other places too.. I did a course with my sister to help me with my ds..................

Dinosaur · 03/12/2007 21:54

Oh dear - 15 hour days are a bummer under any circumstances, never mind yours. Blimey. Is that a relatively recent thing, or have you both been putting up with this for ages?

Glad to hear he's looking after you now though. He sounds very patient with DS1 as well.

Original poster
yurt1 · 03/12/2007 21:56

Thank you lottiejenkins- that is exactly the sort of thing we need. Unfortunately not available here, but I will start trying to ask questions and look into whether something can be done down here.

Honestly I love that child so much, but I am utterly worn out from constantly trying to make things better for him- he is doing so well with the letterboard and his spelling etc- to the point where I can see it could become a communicative method for him, but what's the point if I can't handle him physically? If I can't cope with being pushed around or challenging behaviours without losing my temper then I'm not even any use to him. Thank fuck he isn't aggressive (yet) because we would be beyond stuffed if he was.

I am drinking wine but he has seriously dislodged my oesophagus or something and swallowing hurts- god only knows what he's done to it. It will be from grabbing a chunk of it and twisting.

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Original poster
yurt1 · 03/12/2007 21:57

Ages dino. It's partly why I started doing my studying- dh was working every evening until 11pm and I was bored with TV. Law's a shit job as you probably know.

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Dinosaur · 03/12/2007 21:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

ShinyHappyStarOfBethlehem · 03/12/2007 22:00

((((Yurt))))))

I want to say something helpful as you so often do for me.. but I just don't have any answers as am in a similar nightmare situation as you know.

Only light at end of tunnel I can think of is that others have posted on here about their children eventually learning self control and "growing out of it". I pray that it happens in our DS's cases.

Your situation sounds worse than ours in that my DS can't walk unaided.. he is perhaps a bit more limited to the amount of violence he can unleash.. but he is amazing strong and getting stronger and more dextrous all the time. It's such a worry.

Thinging of you. I hope your throat is ok. That sounds worrying. xx

Original poster
yurt1 · 03/12/2007 22:00

oh and OJ I feel guilty wallowing in it when you're around and dealing so calmly with the shittest of the shit, really sorry- feel free to slap me around the face with a kipper.....

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Dinosaur · 03/12/2007 22:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
yurt1 · 03/12/2007 22:04

You're all being so kind.... Shiny I sympathise- it's ds1's strength rather than mobility that's a problem tbh.

Dino- see if you can get others involved in ds3's care from now- it gets harder to introduce people as they get older. I am very lucky. Aside from my Mum, I have the wonderful goosey (on here) and a tutor - all of whom can handle ds1 alone. It's good for him and gives dh and I a break which as he gets older (and we've been doing it for longer) we really need.

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Original poster
yurt1 · 03/12/2007 22:07

What I have done is booked a shiatsu weekend for February. I thought it might help me and ds1 (and there;s no way he can go to someone). I know next to nothing about it, but hope it helps me relax and control my temper when faced with challenging behaviours. Me losing it doesn;t help at all as a cross mummy is right at the top of ds1's reinforcers- he absolutely loves it (but I also think he understands what I say- and for that reason alone I need to get a grip).

OP posts:
Dinosaur · 03/12/2007 22:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

onlyjoking9329 · 03/12/2007 22:14

Hey Yurt really no need to feel guilty.
just wished i could do/say something helpful.

Original poster
yurt1 · 03/12/2007 22:17

That's really good Dino. It's a mistake we made (and I've seen other make) where you feel like you can't leave them, then it becomes hard to. DS1 loves respite (to the point where I don't tell him he's going until 5 mins before or he badgers me and brings me his bag repeatedly).

I think this is partly what I find hard. At some stage ds1 is going to be better looked after by other people (who get to sleep all night every night, who get to have a break afterwards, who are part of a team, who have training etc and access to facilities and interventions). I would just rather than day came at 18 (when it would feel the 'normal' age to be leaving). If he carries on like this we just won't make it until 18 though- I know that. I totally understand why people use residential - Davros if you read this I completely understand what you're doing and why & I would/quite possible will do exactly the same- our ds' are very similar- I would just rather we didn't need to until ds1 is 18 (I have 18 sorted in my head, not earlier yet and I don't feel like facing that right now)

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