My stepson (12) is a particularly difficult child. His mum has a hard time with him and has been pushing for an autism diagnosis since he was a toddler, and he was finally diagnosed with it about 2 years ago. Whilst he does tick one or two of the boxes that would indicate autism, in many, many ways he doesn't seem to at all. You could spend a day with him (even an entire weekend or longer) and think he's just a normal child. But his behaviour is just poor all the time - think obnoxious, stroppy teenager (despite his age), with constant back chat. Been like since about 6yo). He's greedy, selfish, inconsiderate and thinks the world revolves around him. I've seen him tell his mother that it's her job to cook and clean for him. Nothing is ever his fault, even when it blatantly is.
He is quite intelligent and very manipulative of his siblings (and to some extent his mother). He can build and maintain friendships, but it's generally all on his terms/and when he's got what he wants from people he tends to discard them. Which doesn't seem to fit in with typical autisic behaviour.
If you ask him to do some basic chore (like putting his dirty plate in the dishwasher) he will just say 'no' and every little thing he turns into an argument. He will argue that black is white one minute, and then five minutes later that white is black.
His life now revolves around his PlayStation and he'll be on it every waking minute unless his mum manages to coax him away from it with some sort of treat. When his screen time expires, he'll badger his mum for more, and always gets it.
He'll walk into the room while someone is watching tv and just change the channel, and then if anyone questions him he'll just turn around and say they weren't watching it.
He near enough rules the roost as he pretty much gets his own way on everything. Sometimes his mum puts up a fight, bust mostly she just gives in and he gets his own way. She says she picks her battles with him because it's so draining to argue constantly with him. It's certainly easier to let him have his own way that the argument and ensuing fallout from standing up to him.
But she explains away all his brattish behaviour as being down to his autism. An outsider could look at it and easily come to the conclusion that he's just a spoilt kid and it's all down to a lack of discipline.
As he approaches teenage years he's getting ever more difficult. He's the eldest child and always very rough with his younger siblings, but now he's having a growth spurt the size and strength difference has really widened and he could easily do a younger child a serious injury. His younger brother is always covered in bruises, most of which are from their altercations. Yesterday he kicked him in the face simply because younger sibling was blocking his view of the tv. His mum was present in the room but she barely told him off. She has health issues and parenting him and his siblings is exhausting her. The younger siblings have learnt from older brother's behaviour and they're becoming equally as difficult and argumentative.
I know I'm much stricter with my kids, wouldn't let something half the incidents go without a proper talking to and sanctions. And I try to back my partner up when she does discipline her kids. But it's difficult because we live apart so I'm not there that much (mostly just weekends and when we all go on holiday together), not a live in step dad and a fully blended family. I don't want to become the 'wicked step parent', although I think I probably already have (just to him, I get on well with the younger siblings). Step son has now made it very clear to everyone that he doesn't like me being there, and is doing his level best to drive a wedge between me and his mum. I'm wary of treading tread on any toes, but as above, he's very manipulative.
He's decided he doesn't like going to his real dad's house anymore because his dad tells him off - i.e. he gets some discipline there, and not his own way all the time. So sometimes he just says he doesn't want to go, and of course he gets his own way there too.
Our kids are similar ages and all used to be good friends (even before we got together as a couple), but stepson has got so selfish and nasty that my kids don't want to spend time with him any more.
I've observed a few other autistic kids, at the school gates, chatting to their parents socially etc, but none anywhere near as closely as this lad. I know there's no 'normal' but with most of them there are obvious autism traits/markers, even as high functioning austism. But with step son it could all be explained as learnt poor behaviour rather than genetic hard wiring.
How much of this sounds familiar to other parent's of ASD children? I bite my tongue a lot when stepson is getting away with things, in line with his mum. Think this is the best/only thing to do in these circumstances?