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SN children

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.

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Original poster

Need to be a good friend but am in a dilemma

19 replies

needmorecoffee · 03/12/2007 18:18

friend of mine is a single mum with a severely disabled child. He is mobile but has the understanding of a baby (he's 7ish). She met this bloke who promised to leave his wife (and you all know where this is going). She's pregnant but the wanker has now buggered off.
So now she doesn't know what to do. Can she cope with a new baby and her other child? She gets 2 hours month respite (whoop) and will have to have a c-section so is facing decisions about what to do with other child when in hospital for days, how to cope with new baby and lifting disabled child after section plus, will older child harm the baby.
So she's now talking about abortion. I don't know what to say as I don't like abortion but the situation she is in is bleak.
Bloody bastard man.

OP posts:

wannaBe · 03/12/2007 18:41

The question for her really is whether she would have continued with this pregnancy without reservation if the father had still been in the picture.

Ultimately, the issue of how to cope with an older, severely disabled child and a newborn would still have been something she would have had to consider, because even if this baby?s father had stayed on the scene, there?s no telling that he would have played an active role in the older child?s life, wanting to help take care of him etc, because let?s face it, his actions thus far (having an affair and getting your friend pregnant) haven?t exactly shown him to be a paragon of virtue/consideration.

Also it?s important that your friend think through how having a termination would affect her/the way she feels about her older child, because if she terminates this pregnancy and regrets it, she could end up with a lot of resentment towards her ds, after all, her decision would be based largely on the fact he is so severely disabled.

This is a decision only she can make, but IMO she should at least seak some counselling to help her to deal with all the issues she is currently having to face.

2mum · 03/12/2007 18:59

I hope your friend is ok needmorecoffee. What an awful situation to be in. Does your friend have any friends or family that could help her out or could social services help? I think she should contact Social Services and tell them the situation and maybe they could help with temporary foster care while she has the c section and recovers. because of her sons disabilities if she gets this sorted out kknow maybe they would be able to arrange something? I dont know if this would work but its worth a shot.

Dinosaur · 03/12/2007 21:20

Oh needmorecoffee your poor friend .

I hope you will not hate me for saying this, but I do think that if ever there were a situation where a termination might be the best outcome for all concerned, this might well be it .

MinnSpyHandCream · 03/12/2007 21:44

FWIW, if I were in her position I would probably terminate. I would not be able to cope with my DS and a baby on my own.

But, can she get more care? She definately needs more! and councelling would really help her.

Plus side is a baby who would be a breathe of fresh sir for her IYSWIM her LO may be a wonderful big brother and baby could help development.

sorry if this all sounds a bit disjointed, had a 5am start with my DS this morning and I am dropping as I type!

Blu · 05/12/2007 11:20

nmc - oh, your poor poor friend.

Be her friend, support her through whatever SHE wants to do - it's her decision and you need not feel implicated...but she will need someone who is on her side and cares enough about her....no-one else seems to....to do what is best for her and her DS. Just listen and give any practical help you can...or introduce her to MN!

Original poster

needmorecoffee · 05/12/2007 20:29

Just spent the afty at the hospital with her. Her son has to start the same sort of steroid treatment for epilepsy that dd had in september. So she has to stay there with him while someone else looks after older child. It'll be 2 weeks and of course, this is the 2 weeks when she needs to make that decision.
Gawds.

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Blu · 06/12/2007 11:01

Oh bloody hell. I have to say being a single parent and a child in hospital would take me to the limit of my endurance, I think.
Was the man-in-question still with her when she found she was pg? How did she feel about it then?
Does she get ANY support from father of her ds?
Quite important that her current decision doesn't get made my default just beause she doesn't have capacity to deal with it, if really in her heart of hearts, what she wants to do in the longer term is NOT be the parent of another child in such hard circumstances. because whereas if in her heart of hearts she wnats to go ahead with pg, but feels forced not to, i agree with the poster who says that potentially she could resent her DS. onversely, if she feels trapped into continuing pg because of DS's current needs, the same could be true.

She needs time to spend with a pg counsellor, doesn't she? Is there any way you can assist her to get the necessary cover for that?

Original poster

needmorecoffee · 06/12/2007 19:00

She has decided she can't have the baby and it is cos of the crap situation. Her son's dad never sees them and the bf knew she was pg.
I did say that yes, the first few years could be hellish, but it would get easier but its not my situation to make and I have DH to help me. She's done it all alone.
Wish there was decent respite stuff so women didn't have to make such a decision based on that.

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Blu · 07/12/2007 11:38

Poor woman.
But it's not just the respite, is it? 2 children who know that their dad's wilfully abandoned them / didn't want them...and ongoing practical and financial issues.
I feel very very sad for her...but can understand that she doesn't want to enter into a life which imprisons her and in which she feels she cannot give her children the attention and care they need.

But the respite situation sounds desparate, with or without a new baby.

Poor woman.

TotalChaos · 07/12/2007 12:07

I agree with Blu. What a terrible situation - particularly as she does sound so conflicted - that it's not a clearcut decision for her,but one that circumstances re:respite have forced on her.

Original poster

needmorecoffee · 18/12/2007 13:28

OMG. She's just had the pre scan and its twins. Don't know what to suggest and she's so upset

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aquariusmum · 18/12/2007 13:30

wow, that is too much to take even under normal circumstances!

emandjules · 18/12/2007 13:37

That is tragic decision to have to make. In some ways the fact it is twins may leave her with only one decision, but she has to live with that choice.
She is lucky to have a friend to support her and I am sure you will whatever the decision. I am very much against abortion for me personally but i have always respected, may be not always understood friends decisions.

ShinyHappyStarOfBethlehem · 18/12/2007 13:48

NMC have she contacting her social worker about all this? She should URGENTLY discuss this with her so that she is FULLY informed of what help can and cannot be provided, in the event that she did not have a termination.

This is literally a life and death situation and has the potential to greatly affect the lives of your friend and her son as well. 2 hours a month is NOT appropriate and much much more than this can and WOULD be offered to assist her throughout the pregnancy (if..) and during and after the birth. Direct payments could make employing a helper possible for a great many more hours than parents of disabled children normally get.

Original poster

needmorecoffee · 18/12/2007 14:12

thing is, I know she wants the baby but cant see anyway out. Jeez, twins would be so hard as a single parent anyway, let alone with a severely disabled child as well.
I feel so totally useless as a friend.

OP posts:

TotalChaos · 18/12/2007 15:24

Poor thing. Has she tried to speak to her social worker. Otherwise would one of the Catholic charities like Life be able to provide practical support?

Original poster

needmorecoffee · 18/12/2007 15:55

none provide practical support

OP posts:

ShinyHappyStarOfBethlehem · 18/12/2007 16:43

Social Services is required to provide practical support. Could you not speak to them, either on her behalf or just say you want to give them some info (with her permission)? They still won't be able to discuss her with you, but they could listen, and then respond accordingly.

Your friend is in an unprecended situation through no fault of her own. It isn't her fault her DS is disabled (and it sounds as if she is doing a great job of caring for him if they are only giving her two hours respite a month - that's how it works unforunately! Shouldn't be.. but it is!); it isn't her fault the man who got her pregnant has let her down, nor that the "baby" is in fact twins. She should NOT be forced into a decision which may be wrong for her because of a lack of support. The state is obliged and required to provide this support, even if it is long term, daily and costly. It is still cheaper than, for instance, them, accommodating her DS is residential care. This is what everyone pays taxes for - a family genuinely in need of help and support.

There needs to be a meeting and quickly (Child In Need re her DS which we incorporate needs and circumstances happening at the moment) but for this to happen soc services have to be fully informed. Only then can your friend make a fully informed decision on what to do about the pregnancy.

Wishing her love luck and support.

Original poster

needmorecoffee · 18/12/2007 18:59

I asked my dd's social worker about it this afternoon and she said there would have to be an assessment which could take a few months. Too late I said, any termination would be this week or next but she just couldn't say if my friend went ahead, that there would be the usefull support she needed. Crap isn't it.
Going over there tomorrow but feel so farking useless. I have a DH who helps me with dd and my other kids.
I know that deep down she doesn't want to abort but she did say she wished it was all over right now so she didn't have to think. Doesn't help with crimbo coming up and SS all shut etc. Sigh

OP posts:

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