Undiagnosed ASD

[UA12]

Hi everyone,

I have an 11 year old son who I have always suspected is on the autistic spectrum.

Over the years my husband and I have worked really hard to help him overcome his difficulties. We’ve focused a lot on pushing him to do sports. He plays academy level football which gives him kudos at school & means he can spend his break playing football rather than socialising.

I’ve spoken to various professionals throughout his life about individual issues e.g. he had selective mutism until he was 4, he wet the bed until he was 8 etc. but I’ve never pushed for a diagnosis because I’ve felt he’s relatively happy, popular and healthy despite his quirks.

He’s starting secondary school next year and I’m getting really worried about him. As an old one in his year, he’s got away with his lack of social skills but now that they are pre-teens, the difference between him & his friends is becoming much more apparent and he’s gone from having a big friendship group to struggling to find 3 friends to invite to his birthday (although I think that may be about him feeling awkward about inviting them, rather than them not wanting to come).

I really want to help him & protect him before he starts secondary school and I feel we’re constantly battling because I’m always putting him outside his comfort zone and making him do things he doesn’t want to that are obviously really scary and uncomfortable for him. I don’t know whether I am doing the right thing anymore and I’d really like some professional help but I don’t know where to go. Because he copes so well and hides his issues by playing football during break time and keeping his head down and working during class (plus the time out of school due to Covid) I’m not sure his teachers or a health professional would take me seriously. Examples of the things he struggles with:

• talking to strangers- he can’t make eye contact;
• dealing with new situations or people he doesn’t know;
• expressing his thoughts/ feelings;
• social interaction e.g. if a friend waves at him on the way into school he’ll quickly look at the floor because he feels awkward waving back;
• he’s extremely kind and caring but struggles to understand people’s feelings e.g. when Ericksen had a heart attack on the pitch during the World Cup he said “I don’t understand why they would cancel the game when someone else could replace him”. I had to ask him how he would feel if one of his friend collapsed in front of him on the football pitch.

I supposed I’m just wondering if anyone else is in the same boat with a child they worry is on the spectrum but the worries aren’t quite enough to warrant professional help.

I’d welcome any advice on where to go or tips to manage social difficulties!

Thanks :)

I think you are right to be thinking now about secondary school. It may be that your DS flies. Some DC prefer the structure of secondary, there are more clubs where they might find likeminded friends, it can be easier to be 'anonymous' etc.

However, for some DC they can really struggle. It's such a big change from primary.

I would hope that a healthcare professional wouldn't dismiss your concerns out of hand. You know your DS the best and are his best advocate. I would say that the list of concerns you've written here should be enough for a GP to consider referring him on. Even if it's to rule things out.

Do you know what secondary your DS is likely to be going to? I take it you're looking around now? I would definitely be asking about what lunchtime groups they have for children who struggle socially. Plus what their pastoral care is like.

Have you ever spoken to the SENCO at his primary? I think it's worth making an appointment and outlining your concerns to see what they say.
I know it can be harder for some parents to get their DC 'seen' as having difficulties if they are academically on track and not disruptive but it shouldn't be like that.

Social development is as much a part of the school experience as academic learning.

Not to be depressing but just to warn you, if your DS does end up being referred for an autism assessment, the wait list where I am is currently over two years. However, support must be given in school even if a diagnosis isn't in place - so don't let anyone fob you off.

Thank you for taking time to respond.

The SENCO got involved when he was in year 3 but then we moved house and he changed school half way through the year. He settled into his new school so well (mostly because they were allowed to play football in the playground) that I never got the SENCO involved at his new school.

You’re right though, I’ll arrange a meeting with his teacher 👍🏼