Neurotypical only sibling

[Winecurestiredness]

Hi,
I am currently struggling over the school holidays with DS1 9 who is autistic and adhd with sensory processing issues and his 5 year old brother who is neurotypical. DS1 wants to shut himself in his own world and is very much stimulated by researching his obsessions and making animations on the computer. When he is doing this he 'stims ' a lot and generally will not engage with us unless he wants food or drink. He hates going out. I have had to force him out a few times like to go on a staycation for a week and to a few soft plays so that his brother can see other children. He coped ok but it is difficult for me because he becomes clingy and anxious and doesn't cope with the noisy, hectic and social environments that his 5 year old brother needs.

That said, I am proud of SN DS1 for coping with it for his brothers sake and I do acknowledge this and tell him this. However when we go home and when we have our quiet days at home DS2 gets very bored and upset and doesn't understand why DS1 never plays with him. He adores his older brother and even adapts to his interests and really tries to get him to like him it breaks my heart because often if DS2 badgers DS1 too much while he is in his own world on the computer, DS1 will tease him and impersonate him which makes DS2 cry.. DS1 can say mean things without remorse too like "I wish DS2 was in a different family not here" in front of him. I play with DS2 and so does his daddy but he says he wants to play with other kids. I talk to him about making friends at school but he says that he likes his big brother far more than the boys at school because they aren't into what DS1 and 2 are into

I am a SAHP/carer and neither DS1 or 2 are happy with going to a holiday camp or other activities without me. In fact both get rather upset if I even suggest it.

Teasing and mimicking DS2 are not acceptable, and need consequences regardless of additional needs.

Can you compromise and where possible look for SN sessions? Can you look at going to more sensory friendly places.
Do you have a local young carer's service?
Has DS1 had a social carer's assessment? Have you look at your LA's short breaks offer?
Has DS1 had a sensory OT assessment?

DS2 needs encouragement to find peers of his own to play with, even without the added additional needs expecting a 9 year old to constantly play with their younger brother isn't sustainable. DS1 is getting to an age where they perceive little children as annoying. Can DS2 join clubs to meet others with similar interests? Why does DS2 get upset at the idea of clubs and holiday camps? Are you sure DS2 is NT?

We are in a similar situation. I have two boys with the same age gap. DS1 has ASD while DS2 is NT.

DS1 finds out door places easier to manage than indoor ones so we spend a lot of time at the park, the river and the woods.

DS2 needs lots exercise, stimulation and interaction with other children. He refuses to go to holiday clubs too. I have found that DS1 is happier if he knows the other families we meet up with. DS2 has a couple of friends with very understanding families who do not mind DS1 tagging along to meet ups. DS2 is also great at making friends at the park, splash pad etc to play with.

I do not think there are any easy solutions. However, I think all families encounter difficulties with simultaneously meeting the needs of two very different children. You are definitely not alone. Your DS2 sounds like a lovely little brother.

I am really at my wits end today and don't know what to do. Planned a day out to the trampoline Park for DS2 sake, and we need to do a top up shop as food is getting low and DH is at work. DS1 is sounding quite sad, so on the brink of tears at the thought of leaving the house and saying he has a tummy ache and clutching his tummy, laying down in bed refusing to get up but right now he is laying in bed on his tablet doesn't look as though he is in pain. I don't drive, so I can't pick him up and put him in a car. He would need to walk to the shop with us. He is awful around roads too he stims whenever a car goes past and scratches at my hand and tries to break out of my hand while I'm holding his

To try and explain his stimming..what it is is he runs, flaps his hands and makes a sort of 'uhhh' noise, he doesn't watch where he is so often he would bump into someone while doing it or if I wasn't holding his hand he would run across a busy road doing it. So, considering I don't drive it is quite overwhelming to deal with especially with DS2 aswell. DS2 is amazing little brother, very protective, will grab his hand if he let's go of mine