Wish my dd was nt and popular

[lollipoprainbow]

Another difficult play date for my autistic dd 9 I could cry, her friend that she has know since reception class, they start off fine then my dd messes it up by getting silly and stroppy. The girls mum picked her up and said we must have (my dd) round but I know she doesn't mean it, she never gets invited for play dates despite us having kids here all the time. I wish with all my heart she could be popular. I get she needs to find her tribe but that's easier said than done !!

How does your dd feel afterwards? Are you able to discuss it with her and model what else she might have done instead of the ‘getting silly and stroppy’?

Do you know any other local families with autistic children? There are often FB groups that you can join and she may meet a few more likeminded children that way.

It’s so hard when our children struggle with friendships

@openupmyeagereyes no we don't know any other autistic families, If I try and talk to her about the way she behaves she gets very defensive and doesn't want to talk about it. We joined a club with other autistic kids but it's mostly boys and the couple of girls that are there struggle to communicate too so it's hard.

If she gets defensive maybe a different approach would help. Rather than telling her what she might have done differently you can simply tell her stories in a thinking aloud type way, about how a similar thing happened to you and you did x to help resolve the issue. She may still take it in but not feel like she’s being criticised directly.

My DD has a book called "Diary of a Social Detective". It's a bit clunky (DD is only 7) so it might not be up your DD's alley, but DD seems to really like it. It's narrated by an autistic boy who has an interest in social relationships, and he becomes like a relationship guru for kids in his school. Each chapter is about a different kid's problem and how our narrator solved it. It's about as weird as it sounds but we've had some good discussions off the back of it. It's a bit less triggering than a real life situation - but close enough that it might be useful in just thinking through how to navigate stuff...

DD and I are both very defensive and find criticism (implied or actual!) very hard to take - so I completely get not being able to really discuss it directly. Maybe if you let her lead? Ask her about how she was feeling, and what she thinks went wrong - whether she can think of any ways that either of them could have headed it off or fixed it before it unravelled?

I understand. I found my eldest thrived when he got to secondary school as he found his tribe and now hangs around in a group of boys, 2 (including him) have asd, 1 has adhd and 2 are nt.

My 2nd son hit puberty and discovered girls when he started secondary so he swapped one set of problems for another set.

If she has a play date vacant you bring some structure into it, like baking cupcakes etc, so that both girls have fun but so that there is less room for upset. One thing that (I think?) has worked with my son is that I seriously bribe him that if he plays well on playdates I will buy him a toy at the weekend. I also think just talking about what is ok and what is not okay behaviour eventually gets through although I know for my son, it’s in the heat of the moment that he finds it difficult to control himself. It’s such a process, and really unfair that other kids find it so easy, although the benefit of having kids to yours is that you can manage the situation if arguments start cropping up. Really hope the next one goes better.

Social stories about how to behave with friends could help here? Often reading the information works better than you saying it, and it also depersonalises it.