New to mumsnet and in need of support/advice (sorry this message is gonna be a long one!)

[englishrose243]

Hi all, just joined mumsnet tonight..I'm a 32 yr old mum of 3 girls aged 8, 5 and 3. My oldest dd has AS, middle girl Autism and youngest seems ok so far...all 3 go to our local primary school/nursery (mainstream), the older two get extra support when they need it which is not enough in my opinion but that's another story...

Anyway I had recently met another mum at the school after my oldest girl (dd1) befriended her youngest daughter (both girls are in the same class). With dd1 having AS it is very unusual for her to strike up such a close friendship, and as a result her mum and I developed a close friendship as well. It was the first time for years I had let anyone get that close to me, as where we live is not a good area and we have had a lot of abuse, especially from our next door neighbours because of my kids having special needs and behavioural difficulties. My girls got really close to my new friend and her kids and we all got along really really well together, until the other night. She invited us to stay at house (which she has done on a regular basis), except on this occasion I felt like we were not really wanted there. My friend (who has recently moved back to the UK after spending the last 7 years in the States) spent half the evening chatting to her online friends on her computer and leaving us to our own devices in her house, then decided she was going to go to bed early once the kids were down and leave me on my own to do my own thing. I was a bit p**d off, although I know she was tired, I could have stayed at home if I was going to spend the evening alone which is what I do most nights anyway as my dh works long hours/shift work. I was also bored being left on my own and told her so...bad choice of words really as it offended her but the truth is I really didn't have all that much to do at her place and I would have been happier being at home that night. Next morning wasn't much better...she was busy chatting online again and I accidentally caught sight of one of her convos where she was telling a friend she was going to try and find a way of getting back to America. I could understand why as she hates it here, but as we had gotten to be quite close friends, I felt sad at the thought of her leaving and didn't do a very good job of hiding it, neither could I talk to her about it in front of the kids. We went home that morning and I pinged her online later that night to apologise if I had been a bit off with her or said anything to upset her in the hope that we could talk things over and resolve it, but she more or less blanked me, told me I had no right to get upset about her private life and that I had insulted her by telling her I was bored in her house...in short she didn't want us coming round any more and wanted to end the friendship.

I feel awful but at the same time this wasn't all my fault, I have bent over backwards to be a good friend to her, try and cheer her up when she is down, help her out when she needs it, make her feel welcome here and offer her some refuge (i.e. coffee at my house) if she ever needed to get out of her house for a bit. Maybe I was wrong, maybe I tried to do too much, but whatever the case, I now feel like I have had everything thrown back in my face, and with no regard for how much this has hurt my kids. When I told them last night what had happened they cried themselves to sleep...they don't cope well with sudden change as it is, and my so called friend should have known this anyway as she has previously worked with autistic kids.

Sorry this is such a long message but I feel really down, and I just hope I can make some new friends on here that understand what it's like having special needs kiddies. I now see this woman at the school every day and she won't talk to me and it hurts. Any advice on how to deal with this, support or just a hug would be really appreciated.

Thanks for listening x

Oh englishrose, you poor thing. I am sure some other people with children with special needs will come on and give you more concrete support but in the meantime I would just like to say that she sounds very odd, and you haven't done anything wrong Hugs xx

No advice really but {{{hugs}}} and welcome to mn. I understand that it can be hard to get close to people when you have a child with sn so i understand why you are so keen to sort this out- especially as your children obviously bonded with the family as well.

But I think that she is being a bit of a bitch about all this tbh. Of course you were a bit fed up when she invited you round and then carried on as though you weren't there. i'd rather be at home too. Maybe you handled it a bit tactlessly but you've apologised and if she was any real kind of friend she would not be treating you like this. Wishing she was back in the US with her old mates is no excuse for treating you so badly.

sounds really sad er, I'm sorry you're going through this. What a shame. Don't feel bad, no matter how great you are to people, they just might not 'click' thorugh absolutely no fault of your own, as hurtful as it is. It sounds like youve got it really rough, with nasty neighbours, dh away a lot, sn dds Hope you get some genuine friendship and support in rl and on here, which I'm sure you will xx

No advice but lots of hugs really sorry that you are having to deal with this. I know it can be really isolating and good friends make the difference hope you get the support you need1 xxxx

Thanks so much for all your messages, I feel better already just reading them! I think you hit the nail on the head dustystar, she is being very unreasonable. I know I didn't handle things as well as I could have done, but at least I had the decency to apologise, after all we all make mistakes sometimes, we're all human. No real friend would throw an apology back in your face like that. I think I was more upset by how much it hurt my kids, but in all honesty it did hurt me a lot too. I really think that this woman needs to decide what she wants, if she really wants to go back to America then she should go, if she's going to stay here she should make the best of it, after all it was her decision to come back, no one is forcing her to be here. I can't do that for her and the way she feels is definitely no excuse for treating me and my kids the way she has.

I think I'm just going to have to put this down to experience as hard as that is. I will certainly think twice before letting anyone else get that close again, it's not the first time someone has done this to us but I would rather it was the last (it probably won't be but such is life!). It is very isolating sometimes having SN kids, plus I am 80% deaf as well so I don't find it that easy to socialise in the school playground at the best of times although I try as best as I can. Life can be a bitch sometimes but hey ho...thank God for the internet lol!

Thanks again for all the replies x

I agree with all the others Englishrose - some people are only friends when you are meeting THEIR needs, or listening to their problems. They are drains on your energy and you need every ounce of your energy to deal with your own kids. I have fallen out with friends too when they want to blah on about their issues and I'm holding the phone with one hand while trying to stop my ASD DS into danger with the other! In the end, I told them I can't do long girly phone calls. The good friends understand. TBH, I now find more comfort in some TV soaps and a fag than in long chats with some of those so-called pals. You be kind to yourself, and do whatever you have to do to survive the SEN world. Any mum who would let her own feelings come before hurt caused to kids, her own or any kids, is not much of a human being in my book. Hugs!

whereabouts are you er?

Hi Englishrose, I read about your friend -inviting you round then being on the comp.half the time does seem rude to me-I wouldn't dream of doing it to someone - too glad for the friends i do have to treat them that way!
Do you think she may have invited you over so you were on standby if she needed to cry on your shoulder?
Fair enough - a bit cheeky to say you were bored but most people wouldn't leave a 'guest' to keep themselves amused like that.
Feel really bad for you and dc , my ds has asd and only one special friend-that he clings to-would break my heart have anything spoil things with their friendship.
I hope that things get sorted out.

Are there any support groups near you Englishrose? Our local one does holiday clubs as well as a monthly support group for the parents.

I'm in Birmingham, ernest...there is a support group not far from where I live dustystar but because of the timing of it (half 12 in the afternoon) I can never get there as I have to take my 3 yr old to nursery at that time of day. There are no others that I know of unfortunately. Your area sounds pretty good though, a holiday club sounds like a brilliant idea. And you put my own thoughts into words as well wooga, I would never dream of leaving a guest to do their own thing in my house, and I usually leave my computer off when I've got guests anyway...I think it's rude to carry on as if your guests are not there. I know I shouldn't have said I was bored, and I did apologise, but she doesn't want to know, so there isn't really much more I can do. What annoys me more than anything is the blatant disregard for how much all this has hurt my kids. I can deal with it myself but they can't, and it makes me so mad. Why do people behave like that, I'll never understand it.

Thanks everyone for all your support x

Her behaviour does sound extremely odd. Of course, it might just be that she's really depressed about being in the UK and trying to find every excuse to get back to the US, including cutting off genuine friendships so as not to have any reasons left for staying. It is also possible that something else has happened in her life that you don't know about, but she somehow thinks you ought to have picked up on, or you've offended her in some way she has failed to explain to you. If she's been such a great and attentive friend in the past and this behaviour has come out of the blue, as it sounds from your e-mail, is it not worth one last try to find out why you've apparently upset her so much that she won't even talk to you any more? To behave like that for such little apparent reason seems so bizarre.

I have two very close friends who were incredibly close when we were at school together - so much so that I sometimes felt a bit jealous of how well they clicked - but they fell out over a ridiculous misunderstanding at a time when they were both having difficulties in their private lives and refused to speak to each other for 9 years, when both being my bridesmaid they were forced to communicate again. They are now really close once more and realise what a stupid waste of time it was not making more effort to save their friendship all those years ago.

Thanks for your message hels. Yes her behaviour is very odd, I know she is very depressed about being here, but she does have family here so even having no friends wouldn't mean she had no reason for staying...although I can see your point, it might mean having less of a reason if nothing else. I think what shocked me more than anything was how this just seemed to come out of the blue, one minute she was fine and the next she's acting like she doesn't want to know me any more. I think personally she's cutting me off in order to deal with her own issues and probably just needs some space so I am trying to give it to her in the hope that she will come round eventually, but time will tell. What I find so hard to deal with as I already mentioned is the effect that this has had on my kids, particularly as they have autism and don't react very well to sudden changes and people blowing hot and cold on them. I can deal with pretty much most crap that other people throw at me no matter how upsetting it is but my kids find it much more difficult and it really isn't fair on them. I have emailed her tonight just briefly to let her know that I still care about her and that I'm here if she wants to talk but other than that I will leave the ball in her court now. I have apologised and made it clear that I still want to be friends if she does, and I can't really do much more than that...it's up to her now. I hope that somehow we can sort it out but if not we will just have to move on and learn from it.

Thanks again for your reply, and I'm really glad that your two friends managed to sort out their differences. Life is just too short for falling out and holding grudges in my opinion x

Hi, englishrose,

I hope your friend responds to your e-mail and you can sort all this out. It does seem such a shame if she can't get over whatever's upset her, especially for your girls, although also for you, because you may be able to get over what other people throw at you, but it doesn't mean the loss of an important friendship isn't hard.

That is so true, it just hurts...no word from her so far so I'm not holding my breath. It is a real shame especially so close to Christmas

Hopefully she will sort herself out in time but if not I just have to find ways of dealing with it I suppose. Thanks again for your message hels x