3 autistic children and DH doesn’t want them labelled.

[Coffeeelover]

So our eldest DS (10) has high functioning autism. When he was diagnosed my DH was upset about him being labelled and finds it hard to hear the word autistic. Our DD (6) is currently being diagnosed and our youngest DS (5) is presenting more than the other two so he will be next. My DH doesn’t understand why they need to be diagnosed and feels they are are having a label put on them. I don’t fully understand myself yet but am sure it is for their benefit but don’t know how to help my DH feel ok with this and understand what it actually is. He just thinks they’re full of personality and there is nothing wrong with them and that kids are being diagnosed too often now and labelled when ever there is a small issue.

Labelled autistic and helped to understand and advocate for themselves in terms of what they need? Or labelled naughty, weird and then disruptive when they don't get what they need and treated negatively ensuring an eventual label of school refuser and suicide risk?

Tell him it's not about being labelled, but getting an acknowledgment of their additional needs so they can get the extra help they need at school and extra support for them and you in day to day life.

It's not being labelled, it's a diagnosis. My ds was diagnosed hfa at 3 1/2, and now at 14 is not at all ashamed but almost proud of his condition - he's extremely bright, bit quirky, bit obsessive, can be a teenage dick, funny, and has plenty of friends and is in mainstream school.

IMO the important thing is to get the support and intervention and help you need for whatever struggles your dc have - regardless of what 'label' they have. If having a formal diagnosis opens more doors to that support in school (which it probably will), that's what matters. There won't be judgement

It's up to you/dh who you choose to tell about it. School won't judge, they'll be grateful to know and be able to plan. No one else needs to know if you don't want. And it'll be up to your dc to embrace their condition or not when they're older. I never thought ds would be proud of it, but as he often tells me, he has bill gates, Einstein etc as role models

Would your DH feel that a diagnosis of diabetes or epilepsy, for example, was a label?

For my DS, an autism diagnosis has made a huge difference in the amount of support he has had at school and has also been very positive for his self-esteem esteem.

The diagnosis helps. I'm 99% sure I'm autistic but without the "label" noone will make allowances for the things I need to fully participate in the world.

Also as the adage goes, it's not the label that gives you autism, it's the autism...

Your replies are great thank you! I said the same that at least they’re not labelled as naughty children and the school are fantastic with the support they give them. Also I think I’m autistic but never diagnosed and I have managed to live a fulfilling life and held down good jobs. I do find it very difficult to organise myself and not be distracted though 😂.

I haven’t pursued a formal diagnosis for my son. OP I can understand where your husband is coming from. My own experience with this has been as soon as autism was mentioned as a possibility the nursery and portage started making assumptions on my son, for example, how he must need ear defenders or probably finds certain clothing uncomfortable. They probably didn’t realise they were even doing it. I would rather specific challenges were looked at. I do feel that there is no hard and fast test for autism and opinions differ so much from professional to professional on different days. I think diagnosis can be helpful as long as it doesn’t go before the person.

We suspected Ds was on the spectrum from quite a young age. His differences were also flagged by his reception teacher. At the time he seemed to be just about coping in primary and was meeting his academic milestones, so we didn't pursue any assessments.

I really wish we had....
The wheels started to come off when he started secondary and he finally got a diagnosis of ASD, age 15, at the start of year 11.
He's 17 now and struggling massively. The lack of diagnosis and support has led to significant mental health difficulties. It's looking very likely he is going to need the support of a specialist college placement.

It's heartbreaking to see your child so unhappy and feeling like they have no future. I believe things could have been different for him, had he received his diagnosis when he was younger.

Yes I agree! None of mine need ear defenders and are quite happy going to a crowded theme park with screaming but do struggle to concentrate in a noisy classroom. All three of mine are completely different personalities with different issues! O e of my sons is very particular with clothes where as the other two will wear most things.

Thank you for this as I can chat with my DH about it. Yes my eldest has taken a little while to come to terms with it but I just tell him about the really sucsseful people that are Ask.

We used the DX to our DS advantage, to get extra support and help at school, to stop him being called naughty, when he was younger.
As he got older and needed less help it didn’t come up as much and my DS decided when and who he chose to tell. It’s now his DX for him to decide to use or not.
From our point of view I found it really helpful, I accessed some great support from the NAS, did some courses with them, changed some of my parenting to better fit my sons needs, learned how to advocate for him when needed, but also to stand back and let him become his own person.
He’s now 21 there are still things I don’t understand, so I need help now and then and so does he, but overall I think having his DX is a positive thing and knowing does help him.

He might not be ready for it yet, but this is a really nice film about autism and fatherhood. It explores diagnosis really nicely (most of the people are famous Australian personalities e.g. sport/TV which might be lost on UK viewers).

Link for when he is ready

loads of fathers are like this ive noticed. I think its often the ones who dont do school runs or socialise with other people and their kids so therefore dont have anything to compare it to. Also if its in a family with a lot of autism, then lots of things are just considered normal when actually theyre very much autistic traits. My dp was a bit like that - "well surely EVERYONE does that" "surely THATS normal". No dear, it isnt.

You dont actually need his permission to get help for your children. I think you should be clear to him that youre aware hes not fully on board with it for whatever reason, and that you do understand his point of view, but in order to get the right support for the children at school, its much better that you can verbalise and name what youre dealing with, and its much better to be diagnosed with autism or adhd than it is to be thought of as just difficult or naughty or weird, as they are real labels. I think I remember telling my partner that considering im on the frontline of all this. Dealing with the school and other issues day to day, that i dont want him to put barriers in my way of getting the children help and id appreciate him supporting and respecting that im doing the best for the children. They arent dishing diagnoses out willy nilly and they wont be seeing issues that arent there. If anything, these things are harder to get than they should be, and kids are fobbed off every step of the way. Is he frightened of them getting too much help?

@Stupidsadsack

I haven’t pursued a formal diagnosis for my son. OP I can understand where your husband is coming from. My own experience with this has been as soon as autism was mentioned as a possibility the nursery and portage started making assumptions on my son, for example, how he must need ear defenders or probably finds certain clothing uncomfortable. They probably didn’t realise they were even doing it. I would rather specific challenges were looked at. I do feel that there is no hard and fast test for autism and opinions differ so much from professional to professional on different days. I think diagnosis can be helpful as long as it doesn’t go before the person.

An autistic brain is different to a neurotypical brain. Identifying it as a collection of needs sounds a bit silly, your child has Autism with co occurring morbidities.