Telling your child they're autistic

[lollipoprainbow]

My dd 9 was officially diagnosed a couple of months ago but I haven't broached the subject with her partly because I'm still processing the information myself. She already knows she has anxiety. She's ultra sensitive and hard on herself she hates the way she looks etc and I'm dreading having the conversation with her as I know how upset she will be. She struggles terribly with friendships and if she thinks she is different to other girls she will be distraught!! How do I tell her in a gentle way ??

Before you tell her the name of her diagnosis, try and have some conversions, reading together and watching you tube videos around how being different and doing things differently is NOT wrong. It's good to be able to see things from a different perspective.
You'll have to vet everything first and make sure it's suitable for her to understand, but a slow drip-feed may well help, rather than a huge shock.

It's so important that our kids understand that different can be sought after.

Try and find some examples among people she's interested in.

The usual analogy is computers, Mac and Windows can get the same results, they are both computers, they can both do the same things as an end result, BUT they are very different in the WAY they do these things.
Windows is very common and most people use it, but Mac is more rare and more expensive.

Cars, most in the UK are manual but a smaller number are automatic.
Both types get you to your destination, but they do it differently.

Can you think of any area she could relate this type of analogy to herself?

I can't speak for your DD, but I can speak for my experience. I was extremely anxious and self conscious as a child. I felt completely different to everyone else and all I wanted was to make friends. It thought I was the only person in the world who felt like this and I became so isolated. Fast forward to adulthood and I was finally diagnosed with ADHD and ASD.

Honestly it was hard to process at first, mainly because I was angry that nobody noticed sooner. I feel like if I had understood my difficulties when I was younger and if I had the right support in place, I would have been so much happier. A diagnosis is scary to explain, but it might give your DD a bit of inner peace in a way. To know that she's not done anything wrong and that she's not alone in feeling like this.

My ds is 8 and was diagnosed this year. We watched this video with him

If the link doesn't work, go on you tube and type Amazing things happen. The national autistic society have it on there.

My daughter really likes the Girl with the Curly Hair. If you subscribe you can watch through some of the videos of her experience in primary school, secondary, university and the doctors etc. I’ve watched them with my dd and talk to her about points in the video or she will mention “I do that” or “that’s how I feel”. She’s going through assessment at the moment so not got a diagnosis but psych thinks she is. She watches the same video every night now and I think she likes it so much as it really resonates for her and she’s found someone like her. Also it gives more of the female presentation of autism.

Also I would say that finding out she has autism could be a relief for her, as it helps identify why she has been struggling socially. I heard Libby Scott on R4 the other day talking about her new book Can You See Me?: A powerful story of autism, empathy and kindness

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1407195670/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_D268G91RHNY6D50N1KYV?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

and her autism. She said when she found out it was a relief as she had a reason why she was struggling and could start to implement and engage in strategies to help her.

With my son - he was a lot younger though - we positivity-bombed him - ‘good news ds, we’ve found out why you have anxiety / hypersensitive hearing - you’ve got autism!’ We gave him a few details about autism (which we’ve expanded on over the years) and so to him it’s normal. If he has an autism-specific issue we explain that it’s quite common for people with autism and that actually makes him feel less alone - like there’s a tribe of people like him. The important thing was to treat her normally, reinforce that nothing has changed except you now have a name for the reason she has issues, etc.

There have been a couple of times in the 5 years since diagnosis where ds has said he wishes he didn’t have autism but currently he mostly feels sorry for people who aren’t autistic. That’s not to say it’s an easy ride but it’s important to emphasise that they are still them, nothing has changed. DS has a lot of friends, NT or not, and they love him for who he is. Can’t pretend I’m not scared of him starting secondary school though

DD was younger which made it easier to drip feed I guess, but totally agree with all the comments above. We try to mix positives and negatives (from DD's perspective). So e.g. autism is why you are so sensitive to some sounds, and can find busy places overwhelming - but also why you are able to focus so well on things you are interested in, and have such a strong passion for and knowledge about the topics you love.

There are some great books with autistic characters that might be helpful too (including a couple at least by Libby Scott, and I also recently loved A Kind of Spark by Elle McNicoll, and The State of Grace, by Rachel Lucas - both of whom are also autistic, though I think the RL one might be pitched a little older).

This article by Chris Bonnello is also really helpful for helping think through how and when etc. I think the reality is as PP said it won't be one conversation.

autisticnotweird.com/when-should-i-tell-2020/

We've been talking to DD about her autism since she was 4 (actually we may not have used the word until she was 5, but started talking to her about her brain working differently from 4), but even now she's 7 I mentioned it the other day and she said "what is autism?" so I don't think it's something most kids will absorb all in one go. But better to find out gradually earlier than to have some great reveal if they hit a crisis in teenage years, so good to start that conversation as soon as you can. Most autistic adults say they wish they'd known sooner, pretty much whatever age they found out at.