Physically forcing autistic son

[crazysnake]

DS is 13. He has mild/HF autism and crippling anxiety/OCD as a result of DH and my separation 2 years ago + Covid + starting secondary school all happening in quick succession.

His anxiety is so, so bad, we are frequently unable to get him to do things. He no longer attends school as we couldn't get him to go/stay there due to the anxiety.

He has been hysterical about going to his dads for a month or so now. His dad is trying so hard with him, and there is 100% no abuse/concerns for his welfare. He just hates the change and wants to be with me ALL the time. He often ends up coming to work with me, he trails behind me when I go running etc. It's intolerable for all of us.

When I take him to his dads though, he just refuses to stay/leave me. Can we/should we force him? I'm at my wits end, he can't be with me 24/7, it's so unhealthy for me and him. He's ok once he's at his dad's btw, he just has such high anxiety about the transition.

He's been waiting for help from CAMHS since October 2019, we have lots of contact but nothing useful yet.

Is the relationship as such that his dad could come to your house so he is in his safe place and then build it from there? Or you spend time in his dads house then leave for short periods of time building it up so he knows you will always come back when you say you will

Not easily but it's a possibility. I know, physical force sounds awful but it feels like he is my captor at the moment. I can't be controlled by a child. Where will it end? I feel like we need to be back in control. I have two younger children who are so affected by him too.

Ex DH lives in the marital home so it isn't to do with the house. It's being away from me

Thank you for responding

You say your son isn't receiving any therapy yet and he's not well enough to be apart from you, so I think you should rethink your plans and accept that he can't stay with his father for the moment. Sorry, I know it's hard. I have a DS who is autistic and has OCD and crippling anxiety. It's all difficult, but the anxiety has the biggest impact on family life, I'm afraid. He went through a long stage of not being able to leave my side and it was exhausting, so I feel your pain. He is 21 now and if I've learnt one thing it is to appreciate how hard it is for him and to know when to back down. That means I work hard to get him all the support he needs (CBT and medication have both helped, though neither is a magic cure), I nudge/push him to overcome his anxiety when possible, but I understand when he just can't do things.

Could you and your ex-DH work out an alternative arrangement? Could ex-DH visit him at your home instead, perhaps? There needs to be some compromise here for your son's sake, I think.

Could Explosive Child/Collaborative problem solving help? Figure out what skills he’s lacking that are necessary to do this & work with him to find a solution. Forgive me if you’ve tried this already!