Nursery, SEN Toddler development

[Awaara]

I’d love some perspectives on this situation.

3.5 year old daughter has been violent at nursery; last week bit a staff member and threw lunch on the floor and threw a chair. Nursery have also flagged up concerns they have with her social development because she does not play with other children or express her needs confidently. They also mentioned her repeating phrases and being obsessed with colours, ducks and dinosaurs. She went through a phase of not speaking there (while speaking at home plenty) after the first lockdown (her baby brother also arrived just before her return to nursery and her key person had changed). I should add that she is growing up with three languages in her home.

Nursery asked us to do an assessment for special needs through them. We felt quite pressurised because they weren’t willing to keep her on full time, but we have gone part time and are doing independent private assessments because we didn’t really trust their process. MiL is a senior child and adolescent psychotherapist so I’m confident we will be seeing good professionals.

My gut feeling is that lockdown; a new brother; my own ill health (during pregnancy and then emergency surgery in April) have all compounded to make her very anxious and angry and unwilling to tolerate full days at nursery. At the same time I want to know if she has special needs.

I’m quite angry with how nursery handled the situation, being pretty quiet until the situation became very extreme. I feel they were insensitive not to speak out sooner and then they are picking up on everything in her behaviour to fulfil a particular view they already have. But I might be blinkered. Clearly her behaviour is extreme and we need to sort it out as a family but I’m also keen to change nurseries. Am I crazy?

I should add we had to shield during the first lockdown because I had pregnancy complications so at two and a half she had no social life apart from mother and father so we aren’t surprised that she is rusty in terms of her socialising. Plus she has been acting out more since moving into the nursery pre school group with slightly older children and a new key person.

It's a difficult one, as lockdown has certainly had an impact on children. Plus there have been lots of additional factors in your particular situation. It must be frustrating to have this sprung upon you, and there will be lots of mixed emotions. It is surprising that they have reduced her hours - are they saying that they can't meet her needs? I wonder if an EHCP is something worth looking into if things progress a bit further. It seems quite sudden for them to have done that, if her behaviour is the reason.

However, if they feel the need to pursue an assessment, they won't be doing this unless they feel they have a strong case. It's not something that a nursery would be taking lightly. They have the benefit of seeing other children in a similar position, albeit not in the unique position of your DC with all you describe, but regardless there must be a significant set of behaviours that they have observed while looking after her. Especially if this is the reason for the reduction in hours.

Ultimately, it's about seeing what support can be put in place for your DC, and certainly it is a far quicker process to start this before she is school age. It's also worth saying that moving nurseries might slow this process down if they don't start it before you change setting - if the next setting has to observe her for a while before making a referral, I mean. If there's nothing in particular to be concerned about in terms of SEN, this would also emerge in the assessment.

They will have needed to consider carefully the impact of approaching you - feel sure that there is a concern - before making that call. If there is something, then support can be put in place, and this will need to involve outside experts, which means advice and strategies. There might be no major issues at home at present, but this could change in the future. You may find having this stuff already in place is beneficial.

Best of luck. It is unimaginably difficult and the emotional aspect is very hard indeed. I hope you have some good support around you.