Teacher told my 8yr old son to STOP MOANING

[mrsforgetful]

O.K.....this may sound trivial....but Leigh was being pushed around coming out of school yesterday....due to his likely aspergers...busy/crowds etc freak him out....anyhow he got a bit 'vocal' shall we say....and his teacher said 'Oh Leigh, will you stop moaning'.....

now they have had the SALT report .....and they have been advised to 'treat him as an ASPERGER's child' ......and i feel that rather than tell him to stop moaning she should be looking for ways to avoid this distress....as it happens EVERY day.

....going into class each morning....in from play and lunch ....it's all the same.....

now it's early days....have the SENCO/IEP review next week.....and they have only just had the SALT report......but given that the teacher is the one who said she recognised 'PRAGMATIC ' difficuklties in him....and being that THAT is still on the ASD list....why do i feel i will end up having to explain about the 'PERSONAL SPACE/SPATIAL AWARENESS' etc to her????

My husband met with the head of the school today ref this and the homework saga.....and it was a productive disscusion...and it seems that the only 2 AS kids there are MY BOYS....and though they have experience of ASD...not yet had AS.
So he is referiing to the SALT for advice (pleased he suggested that) and he was speaking to the teacher today(ready for filthy looks tomorrow)

Part of this is 'just' that we're only just getting my inlaws to stop calling him The Whinger....and here we are with a teacher saying he is 'moaning'.
Leigh's 'reaction' to many things he finds disturbing is often high pitched 'whinging/moaning' &stamping of feet etc....

obviously i am very sensitive to anything that causes him more upset at school....and probably am over-reacting

TEACHERS......Do you say things like this.....and if you do are they SN kids.

Be honest EVERYONE..... this is one of these times when i need 'pulling in' and told i'm being silly (as just because i invest time in being 'careful' how i critisise my son....i suppose i cannot go reading the riot act just because the teacher says he is a moaner!)

In our house i NEVER swear AT the kids.....i swear - but not at them....i also rarely say 'shut up' (and for me that is a last resort)....as when i was a kid that was all i heard SHUT UP (mind you...can you see why????)

soooo. this is why i am upset by her comment to him- as to me it was rude.

I'm no expert on this things, actually I don't know much about ASD or AS, but... just a simplistic idea... is it possible that she had told him that accidentally , I mean, probably she uses the expresion with other children and may have said it before realising it was the wrong person to say it? just a thought.

In all honesty, saying "stop moaning" is that strong? I would have never thought it was that bad until you commented that you never swear at your kids (placing both expressions at the same bad level?) If I'm saying something stupid please ignore me, English is not my first language.

We had a child with aspergers at school. We let him leave class a couple of minutes before each bell so that he wasn't on crowded corridors. also at home time he was let out of the main door to wait just outside it so that he missed the big rush.
I do tell kids to stop whinging BUT in a jokey upbeat way- I'd never tell an SN kid- but say that J says 'T's pinched my ruler miss' I'd say 'oh dear, stop being a pain T and give it back to J. Obviously i know the kids I teach and know ehere to say things liike that.
Funnily enough I find that praise works far better with all children than calling them moaners!!!!

Chandra- you made perfect sense.....and i know i am being silly really!!!
He was much happier going to school today as i said i'd help him come out of school tonight.

PIXIE- thanks for the 'teacher's' view...i think the bit you said about 'knowing the child' is the issue here....at home i have to be very careful how i handle his difficult moments....and i guess she has only had him sice september.

I think that the reason the "stop moaning" comment was annoying is because the implication at the moment is that rather than addressing the problem that Leigh has with crowds and personal space he is pretty much being told to stop complaining and put up with it. I personally probably wouldn't be all that bothered if it were ds1 BUT that's because I know that his teacher genuinely understands his difficulties and would only say it in a kind of jokey way. That kind of a joke would appeal to ds1's sense of humour but not every child with AS/ASD would realise that it really WAS a joke.

I've just re-read this and have realised that it probably makes no sense whatsoever but I hope you know what I mean, MrsF!

makes perfect sense....was hoping you'd reply as i trust you!!!! You know me and my ways!!!

Actually- just venting it on here has eased my frustration!

You trust ME? Are you completely MAD?

You're getting paranoid!

Actually...i'm begining to regret this thread as i bet there's millions of gapettes(remember those!) who will be laughing at my getting offended by such a 'mild' word!

Still what i have to remember is that Leigh was bothered and that is why i am cross!

mrs f- don't regret starting this.
i accept that the teacher's only known him since sept. IMO that's all the more reason to be careful of what you say. It's just the same as talking to a friend or colleague- you gauge how they'll take a comment before you make it-

Ah but we know what you mean, MrsF. Sometimes it's the little things that can be the most annoying and at the same time the things that can seem trivial to everyone else can mean the world to us. It's why I'm so glad we've got the SN board.

Gapette? I have absolutely no idea what you could possibly mean.

pixiefish....'TODAY'S' anxiety is that they were doing science and had to work in pairs (not easy for an AS child. From what i can gather he got anxious about having to record their findings in his partner's work book- not his own- he was told to stop fussing......this is where i get exhausted by it all.....to him HIS book is HIS and his friend's is his friends.....and therefore to him it would be totaly WRONG to be writing in someone elses's book......and then i get irritated that she tells him not to fuss- but i have witnessed this behaviour for about 6 years....ranging from sticking to rigid routines-complaining if i put him to bed too late (!!),disputing people's descriptions of colours....ie Thomas the tank was never blue to him- always turquoise- and then again about time- if you say it's almost half past 7....he will say no its not it's 7.29.....so what i feel is that this having to write in someoneelses book is yet another example of him having to 'go against what is correct and perfect'....and the only thing i can think of is that i write a Social Story for him.....but as those of you familiar with AS....this will only fix this individual problem as he won't be able to transfer it to another difficult (an similar) situation- as to him it will not be similar.

i know what you mean mrsf. as an english teacher i had problems explaining litereary terms to the boy i taught with as. raining cats and dogs had him searching for cats and dogs out of the window plus he took ages to write things down because each letter HAD toi be perfectly formed.

I think that it also depend how it is said and the context. If I say 'Oh come on now, stop moaning' and give them a big smile, it is quite different from a sharp 'stop moaning'. I have also been know to tell kids to shut up, but only if they ignore repeated polite requests. The 'shut up' always gets their attention and then I tell them how sad it is that they don't listen when someone is polite. (teach in secondary BTW)

And I would always take great care with my choice of words for a child with ASD

hmb...at home i do now use SHUT UP...as it does 'reign them in' when all else has failed (a bit like F**K off to my husband!!!!...when all else fails!)

With leigh he does need someone to explain things...so in the case of this recording in the 'wrong book'...it needed someone simply saying to him..."Today we are doing things a bit differently...You will be writing in x's book....and that is o.k for the work we are doing on magnets.Sometimes i might ask your partner to write in YOUR book'....this is a very crude Social Story...and obviously if the teacher has never done them then the SALT may help her as her help is being sought.

he's absolutely fraught this morning- and luckily my husband is going into work late so could take the boys to school.

he was on the verge of tears since he got up-i feel awful as i 'tipped the balance' when i reminded him that it is friday and he has school dinners every mon & fri.....the only 2 days when they have something like chips and nuggets.

at that he lost it- and left the house crying.

i asked my husband to talk to the head as he takes them in as he is usually stood outside greeting the children- i want the head to see him as he is now.

i'm told by the LSA's and TA's that he's 'fine at school'....but i know this is just his way of coping- i am absolutely dreading this afternoon.

i'm starting to wish he'd demonstrate some of this anger at school.....without hurting himself/others.....but again due to his rigid rules he sets himself - he will not 'misbehave'....the worst he does is fidgets,calls out,or appears to be ignoring the teacher...or follows her around- which she tells him off for and tells him that it is 'inappropriate'

the hardest bit for me is that when we joined the school last year he had a lovely teacher- sure he still percieved some of his schoolday in a negative way- but i genuinely liked her and believed she was doing her best.
however this years teacher just is not approachable- she knows i am concerned but not once since we discussed this at parents evening on 18th oct has she gone out of her way to talk to me/feedback.

i just feel that if a teacher knows the parent needs reassurance/input....then surely she should be volanteering this...i have written in his home/school link book 5 messages since the 18th- and she has responded.....but surely it should go the other way too....she should add her comments on 'incidents' -so i may be able to offer my 'insight' as his mum....or ideally praise him so i can show him just how pleased she is with him.

Oh how I feel for you all Mrsf. Compassion on the part of a teacher is all that's really called for here isn't it. Does he not have a one to one- or is that likely to happen- this boy I taught had a one to one and that helped and awful lot as she explained things to teachers- she was in charge of his home school link book and went out of her way to try and socialise him, help him eat school dinner etc

thanks for replying...glad you were around

we've got the senco/IEP review next week- so am hoping they will suggest starting statementing...not that it will solve anything....and maybe i can ask about a 'for-the-time-being' arragement as to someone he is specifically told he can talk to about his worries...as again unless he is specifically given permisission- he won't....recently it came to light that he wouldn't go to the loo at anytime other than play/lunchtime...even if he was 'bursting' ....ALL BECAUSE HIS TEACHER HAD MENTIONED THAT WAS THE RIGHT TIME......i had to ask the TA to explain that there were exceptions....and this rule was to stop kids continuously going in and out during lessons-and even after that i had to get her to then specifically tell him it was ok to 'attract her attention' by putting his hand up -to ask to go to the loo- as he insisted they were only allowed to put up their hands when they were asking a question- all this is going on in his head- and he displays nothing.
i know it's hard for the teacher if he doesn't 'give any clues'...but something needs to be sorted.

Personally I think teaching staff need to be made very aware about the things they say to AS children. We have recently withdrawn our son from mainstream school because the head master made a comment to our son that totally broke down all the massive improvements we had made with him.
The LSA asked J to do something in class and he could not understand what she wanted him to do. He got very frustrated and switched off. The head master was called because J would not comply.
Headmaster told J that he should and I quote
"Stop this stupid behaviour. You are being silly. If you don't stop this I will remove Mrs L (the LSA) and you will not have anyone to help you in class anymore. You should think yourself lucky you have an LSA and you should be grateful because lots of children in this school would want Mrs L and I could send her to them instead."
J was so distraught. He came home from school really confused. Mrs L was his friend and the headmaster was going to take her away. No sleep that night!! Went to school nexy day and asked head if he had said what J had told us and he repeated it word for word just as J had said it to us!!! Removed him from the school the next day!!
What the head said ,in our eyes, equated to the head saying to a child in a wheelchair - get up and walk and if you don't you will have your wheelchair removed. You should be grateful you have a wheelchair and feel lucky that you have one!!
So glad he is out of the place - my son was told everyday that his AS behaviour was naughty and his self esteem was so low because of this. Two weeks at home with us and he is a different child. Thank goodness.

That's outrageous, Jaysmum! The poor little mite must have been absolutely devastated.

Sorry I missed this earlier, MrsF. A little bit of understanding on the part of the teacher can make soooo much difference.

jaysmum-so you've been through all that recentley?
I feel scared at the moment as i just don't know where we are going with him.
my eldest with AS has never had these kinds of probs where he hated the teacher etc.....so what i feel i am walking into each day is a clash of personality between me and the teacher....with her having a similar attitude that you described that head to have.

I found a good book called Can I tell you about Aspergers - this really helped the LSA understand J better. Also a book called Martian in the Playground is an excellent book for all teaching and non teaching staff who come in contact with your AS kiddies.
J loved his LSA - the head is a moron who should never be allowed near SEN kids. He doesn't want them in his school because he wants the school to be known as a school for high acheivers!!!
Have now got a solicitor invoved and I am going to expose the evil man as the lieing cheating discriminatory to**er that he is.
He has made my sons life a misery for the last 3 years - NOT ANY MORE