Teenager with complex needs & aggression

[Madboutcats]

Hi there.

I'll try to keep things simple. Just sitting here trying to keep things together atm. I'm a mom to 1 teenager who is 15. She have severe to profound autism, complex needs, sensory processing disorder, development delay etc. Can't remember them all. Just recently in the past month or so, she have become more aggressive/violent towards most people.
I live with my partner of 1.5 years. He recently discovered he got low heart rate which could cause him to pass out if too stressed. I' ve been off work for nearly 2 months because of terrible back pain causing me not being able to lift too many things, bend easily to pick something up for example & can't walk too far without being in so much pain.
Anyway, because of my daughter's sometimes aggressive/violent nature, my partner leaves the house when it gets pretty bad so I deal with her on my own. Last Saturday, she was going most of the day, just pushing, shoving, hitting, kicking me so my partner took his kids & left. He tried to help but he was close to smacking her so that's why he left. Because I was on my own, I sat in the garden with back door locked so she can't keep on abusing me & rang my mom who came to help me. She offered to take her for a couple of hours & I agreed. My daughter wasn't too bad with my mom so I felt I made the right decision.
The family support worker came around earlier on & he felt I shouldn't have been left on my own without support. When I told my partner of this, he just stormed up to the bedroom & haven't seen him since 8pm. I also have issues with his family telling him that she's my kid so he should leave me to deal with it & he have time out. His sister offered for him to stay with her for a week to have a break from my daughter.
So I'm starting to feel resentful & feeling like even though I do try to make the situation better with my daughter, it feels not good enough. I feel that everyone else can escape but I can't & that seems okay to everyone else to do that to dump it all on me.
My partner & I get on really well. It's a shame that my daughter has made everyone want to run away. I do everything I can to make things work for everyone despite my severe back pain.
I hope I've covered everything but if it don't make sense, please ask. I'm a deaf person & I don't always explain things very well.

I read your post and I didn’t want to run.

You explained things perfectly. I am sorry your dealing with so much

There are so many complex issues and it is hard to know whether you want support in your relationship or with your daughter.

You do need support but I feel that your partner taking time out is needed, especially given his heart problems and him wanting to smack your daughter when stressed. Long term you both need to consider whether it is conducive him living with you as your daughter may continue to display behaviour which challenges for a long time

Could social services not offer you any additional respite of short breaks?

I am wondering how you came to be referred to your support worker and whether you could ask the referrer or agency for additional support?

Has your DD been referred to CAMHS to identify the triggers and antecedents for her challenging behaviour and give you some strategies and interventions to do at home?

He sounds a bit of a fairweather friend tbh. If hes not going to support you when the going gets tough, then whats the point of living together?

Thank you, Leobynature, for your kind message.

Because my daughter has a social worker, she was referred to have a family support worker which we now have & she is with the EMWHS team as well. Social worker has set up respite since last week so we are getting a break.

My daughter haven't always been aggressive/violent, it's only recently that she is like that towards everybody even at school. Funnily enough, she doesn't hit my partner much at all. We are all trying to find ways to manage that, she's worse at weekends than during the week. I think it's because she has routine of school & when she gets home, she's tired. Possibly.

My partner have considered moving out but doesn't want to leave me.

I’m glad respite is being arranged. Make sure you keep saying to the SW that you are struggling cope and ask her to document this. Your daughter sounds like she may benefit from a ‘24/7’ curriculum. Perhaps introduce a structured timetable routine for the evening using PECs or sequencing. She may not get so upset if she knew what the expectations are.

Leobynature, the SW I had before was good but the new one is causing more stress than necessary. I have a structured routine with her when she's not at respite so she knows what's happening after school. But weekends are worse than Mon-Fri & I've asked for respite for one night at weekends but still waiting. She's in the wrong school - a low need school when she's a higher needs child with additional problems but they're not listening to me when I've said she needs to go to a higher needs school.