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9 year old son struggling to fit in and now being violent

3 replies

Walkoflife · 08/05/2021 01:13

Hi,looking for advice regarding my 9 year son who yesterday hit and apparently punched a girl in the stomach at school.

I think background is needed so we also have an older son 13 who has severe autism and non verbal which I think may be relavant.

So back when my son started nursery at 3 he was very shy little boy who didn’t seem to make friends easily and nursery referred him to be tested for autism but the outcome then was no he was just shy and possibly anxious.he was very clingy and always cried when I dropped him off.

Then he started school and it like a switch flipped,he thrived in the school environment and routine,made lots of friends and loved school.
The concerns around autism were still there and becoming more apparent,obsessional with his interests and often quirky interests,literal thinking,very much a rule follower.
He was assessed again and told there was not enough traits for a diagnosis.

He is very different to other typical boys,he loves Disney princess,when younger he liked to dress up as Elsa from frozen.
Even now his interests are Barbie,monster high dolls,I guess you could say toys that you typically associate with girls.

So fast forward to now and since he went back to school mid-March after lockdown,he’s been really unsettled.
Coming out of school everyday saying kids are saying nasty things to him especially around him playing with dolls,saying he shouldn’t play with dolls if he’s a boy.

So I contacted his teacher after Easter holidays to ask if she noticed him being unsettled and that he’s been telling me kids are bullying him.
Her response was yes he was unsettled but she had not witnessed any bullying.

Then about a week later I picked him up early from school as he had rash and briefly saw the head teacher and told him he’s been really unsettled and felt he was being bullied and was told they’ll keep an eye on it.

Then today,walking to school this morning,I was approached by a parent with her daughter asking if I was aware that my son had hit punched her daughter in the stomach yesterday.
Tbh I was stunned,I have never witnessed my son being violent towards anyone.

I feel like the bullying at school has got so bad now that he is lashing out.
I’m no way condoning what he did(and I’ve talked to him about wrong it is) but I feel like he must have been provoked in some way to act like this.

I think he’s having a hard time at school feeling he doesn’t fit in and he’s told me he feels different and that people don’t understand him(his words).
Our family has been through a lot over the last couple of years as our eldest son needs so much care and we’ve struggled handling behavioural issues with him.
My youngest does have a lot to deal with at home as he witnesses his eldest brother having horrendous meltdowns.
I think he often feels left out as our eldest needs so much of our time and attention.

Anyway I’ve called school today to find out exactly what is going on as I was unaware this had even happened,I think the school should have contacted me yesterday about this incident.
Apparently the head is very busy but they will contact me on Monday.

I’ve been running everything through in my mind all day and feel like I’ve failed as a parent in some way.
I have social anxiety and being approached by the parent this morning has tipped me over the edge and I’ve cried on and off all day.
Does anyone have any words of advice or been through anything similar?
Thanks for reading if you’ve got this far!

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Walkoflife · 08/05/2021 13:44

Anyone?

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10brokengreenbottles · 08/05/2021 19:13

DS2's DB having ASD means there's a higher chance DS is also neurodiverse. Having been referred for assessment twice and concerns still present there is obviously something, even if not ASD. Perhaps a referral to somewhere that deals with more complex cases. Has DS2 seen an EP.

The school need to address the bullying - put a complaint in writing, it is harder for the school to brush it off and "keep an eye", and b) offer interventions to help DS - do they have a nurture group, ELSA, social skills group, Lego/art therapy?

Do you have a young carer's group locally?

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Walkoflife · 08/05/2021 23:25

Hi thank you so much for replying.
EP has some brief involvement at nursery age but at that point it was really a wait and see approach.
I again asked for EP involvement around the first to second year of school.
He was getting on well at school then although asd traits were present.
We were basically told there was a waiting list to be seen by EP and I think because he was coping fine at school they weren’t really interested.

I know he has just recently started a Lego therapy group at school.
He did attend a nurture group when he started school which he really enjoyed but this stopped when he progressed into different year at school.
We’re in Scotland so primary 1-3 they did nurture and now he’s P.4 he doesn’t get it.
I think there is some young carers groups around so will definitely look into that.
Thanks

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