When and what do we tell an 11yo who might have Aspergers?

[Nowmum43]

Hi, my 11 yo DD has been really anxious for the past year. I contacted CHAMS in the autumn and spoke to someone who said how we were dealing with everything was great and left it at that.
She's been getting worse since Christmas and we decided to book some private therapy to see if it would help her. She also sees someone at school who helps her talk through her worries. The week of her first therapy the school rang to say they think she's got Aspergers and then the therapist when she went said the same after 15 minutes of being with her.
It seems so obvious now (I work in an SEN school so have massive guilt I haven't spotted it before)
So won't go out in the car and it's just getting worse, even for the things she loves. She gets so upset and won't go and then feels really bad after that she's not gone and missed out.
My DH thinks we should tell her now that we think she may have Aspergers but I'm not so sure.
She's adamant she's fine (but did tell the therapist she thinks she feels and sees things different to her friends) keeps saying there is nothing wrong with her and I'm not sure if telling her will help her understand or absolutely freak her out. She's very aware of autism because of my job and does talk about it and has been talking about it a lot more recently.

Sorry that ended up as a really long post!

I would also be inclined to tell her. Even if that ended up not being her Dx, it seems she is very aware that she thinks differently and this might help her to understand how.

Chris Bonnello (an autistic teacher who runs the site "autistic not weird") has a good article on telling your kids about their Dx and also a bunch of articles for autistic teenagers and young people:
autisticnotweird.com/when-should-i-tell-2020/
autisticnotweird.com/all/

She's also getting to an age where she might like to hear from some older autistic girls and young women. You need to watch first as some will be quite hard hitting and cover difficult experiences, but I found a lot of comfort and understanding there. Maybe start with Iris: What Women with Autism Want you to Know:
And then I have a playlist here with lots of autistic women talking about their diagnosis or experiences (I'm assuming it's accessible by people who aren't me, but if you have trouble and are interested let me know and I can pull some out and post separately):
www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLmXrV_mgjU_P3ijt8rGH9OlAcYjqyG5Kn

I believe there are a lot of autistic girls on TikTok talking about their experiences, but I'm too old to understand how TikTok works :)

That's brilliant thank you so much. I have looked at the autistic not weird website but not had chance to do it properly so will have a good look.
I'm hoping her knowing will make her realise all her anxieties and feelings are there for a reason and help her find a way to deal with them. It's just that worry that it might go the other way and she might fully shut down.

I think it is a lot to process, so there is no guarantee that she will react well. But the sooner you tell her the sooner she can start to process it and understand. And she might be better able to engage in the diagnosis process when that comes?

I don't know if you caught it but there was a brilliant interview recently on GMB with one of their news people and his daughter who was diagnosed autistic a couple of years ago. She said to begin with she totally rejected it, but over time she's come to really find it useful.

Here is a clip of the interview:
twitter.com/gmb/status/1372809909281116160?lang=en
And here is her Instagram account:
www.instagram.com/thisisimmie/

Probably obvious but I would try to give her a lot of space and time to just process and minimise pressure to do anything not essential while she works through it all.

Other Insta/YouTube accounts to look up (but older!) include YoSamdySam, Invisible i and Purple Ella.

Also SewManyBooks/LittleHux is brilliant. She doesn't have that many videos on autism on her YouTube but her book review site includes reviews of books by autistic authors and with autistic characters. I really enjoyed A Kind of Spark by Elle McNicoll (the main character is 11 and brilliant), and The State of Grace by Rachel Lucas.
lizziehuxleyjones.com/essential-autistic-reading-list/

keeps saying there is nothing wrong with her

Absolutely true, people who are neurodiverse don't have anything wrong with them, their brains are wired differently to NT peoples' brains, but one type isn't right and the other wrong, both types can do the same things, they just use different processes to get the results.

Please stress as much as you can and as many times as you can that that different does not mean wrong.

@BlankTimes

keeps saying there is nothing wrong with her

Absolutely true, people who are neurodiverse don't have anything wrong with them, their brains are wired differently to NT peoples' brains, but one type isn't right and the other wrong, both types can do the same things, they just use different processes to get the results.

Please stress as much as you can and as many times as you can that that different does not mean wrong.

Oh I will, she just says this about her anxiety and it's like a wall up trying to convince herself she's ok rather than allowing us to help her find ways to cope with her anxiety and how she feels. We talk about ASD a bit as I work in an SEN school and her class have been reading a book about a boy with Aspergers called 'the London eye mystery' I've explained to her that its just one persons brain working differently to another's the same for her friend who is dyslexic. Now I think about it it's amazing how many things have come up in books and on TV that have caused us to talk about autism and maybe it's the worlds way of helping me prepare her

[quote LightTripper]I think it is a lot to process, so there is no guarantee that she will react well. But the sooner you tell her the sooner she can start to process it and understand. And she might be better able to engage in the diagnosis process when that comes?

I don't know if you caught it but there was a brilliant interview recently on GMB with one of their news people and his daughter who was diagnosed autistic a couple of years ago. She said to begin with she totally rejected it, but over time she's come to really find it useful.

Here is a clip of the interview:
twitter.com/gmb/status/1372809909281116160?lang=en
And here is her Instagram account:
www.instagram.com/thisisimmie/

Probably obvious but I would try to give her a lot of space and time to just process and minimise pressure to do anything not essential while she works through it all.

Other Insta/YouTube accounts to look up (but older!) include YoSamdySam, Invisible i and Purple Ella.

Also SewManyBooks/LittleHux is brilliant. She doesn't have that many videos on autism on her YouTube but her book review site includes reviews of books by autistic authors and with autistic characters. I really enjoyed A Kind of Spark by Elle McNicoll (the main character is 11 and brilliant), and The State of Grace by Rachel Lucas.
lizziehuxleyjones.com/essential-autistic-reading-list/[/quote]
I had seen Immie's interview and how they talked about how anxious she was about going to school, it's one of the things that made me think about how my DD might have Aspergers.
Her grandma has ordered some books today that are written by teens with Aspergers and they different aspects of it. We'll keep them until she's ready for them.

Great that her Grandma is being supportive too. You'll get there!!