Should we have another baby? DS likely to have SN?

[MashaPotato]

DS is 2 and under investigation for ASD and ADHD. As heart breaking as it’s been, I’ve come to terms with the fact that he has these conditions. He ticks pretty much every box. Although nothing has been officially diagnosed, he is the way he is, and life can be very very tough some days, particularly with coming out of lockdown and the big adjustments that are coming with it for DS.

DH and I have always wanted 2 children. Are we silly to even consider it? We had been trying before we started having these concerns for DS but nothing had happened yet. I know it’s tough having a second child generally, but with one child already with SEN, is this an unfair thing to do? Life really isn’t what we’d imaged with DS as he’s not your typical toddler, but we can’t help but feel we’d resent him if this stopped us having another baby.

Does anyone have any experience of this? I guess our biggest concern is how badly this huge change could have on DS, and also the likelihood of a second child also having special needs as I gather it’s genetic in a lot of cases? I feel completely torn x

You are absolutely not silly to consider this. It's certainly not unreasonable to want 2 children.

The only thing I think you need to be aware of is that it's possible you may have another child with similar needs. I know quite a few people whose 2 kids have asd. I don't know the actual statistics but it is something I would consider.

It's your choice and not unreasonable at all to have another child.

I just realised you are aware of that possibility missed it in my first reading.

I’m sorry you have to think about this.
We have 2 children. 5 year old has asd. 4 year old is awaiting diagnosis. Fortunately they are so close together that although I knew dc1 had asd by the time dc2 was born, it was only an inkling at time of conception.

I say fortunately, because otherwise i probably wouldn’t have risked dc2, being naturally anxious and risk averse.
As it is, our life is certainly harder than if we had nt kids, but I’m still glad we have them both (most of the time anyway!).
Is there asd etc in your or DH family? If so, then you need to be realistic about the risks. I know that we aren’t meant to talk about high/low functioning anymore, but there is clearly a spectrum of impairment to consider.
There is always a risk of sn with any child, and I don’t think anyone can really know how well they would cope. The fact that you are thinking about it seriously suggests you are pragmatic and knowledgeable which is definitely a good start!

That's a hard one. We decided not to go for a second when DS' needs were becoming clear aged around 3. He is verbal and copes well with his asc and sensory challenges...with an incredible amount of scaffolding and support. I personally have found that I only have enough patience and energy to support one sen DC well and worried that I'd support 2 not so well. DS is also very literal and specific, not coping well with routine changes or my attention being elsewhere, so in the end we felt it was much kinder to give DS the environment he needs to thrive. I'm an only child too and I had a great childhood. As your DS is still so young, could you wait a while and see how his needs develop? My DS at 2 was still fairly typical for his age, despite not talking much, but now he is more obviously different. Not negatively different, but still different. E.g. he needs a lot more supervision and care to keep him safe than other almost 6 year olds. I can't see how I could do that and have a small baby. Not without huge stress anyway. I just want to give another side of the picture. And u don't think you'd resent your DS, bless him, I was desperate for another baby for a while a few years ago but in hindsight I'm so glad we waited a bit to see which decision would work best for our family.

We are in same situation as yourself. DS is 2yrs old and is awaiting assessment for asd. I am now 40 so we don't have time to wait to make the decision. DH has family history of asd so we will have increased chance of having another child with asd too. We have decided to go ahead a try for another baby. I think in the end it came down to myself being completely honest in discussions with what could possibly lie ahead for us in the future. I feel that we have a great support network around us and financially we can cope for me to stay at home. I don't doubt there will be struggles but I am confident in our ability to cope. There is a lot to consider and life will have more challenges for us but I do feel I am going ahead with my eyes open x

Thank you all so much for your replies. I really appreciate the honesty.

It’s really hard weighing up which outcome would be harder. @Fromwhenceshecame we don’t have any history of asd within our families (that we’re aware of!) But in my head I’m assuming if we were to have another it would also be sen. Of course it’s possible it wouldn’t, but I’m definitely a worst case scenario kind of person 😆

I think ultimately we think we’ll always feel like we missed out not having a second. I feel very similar to you @cuju2407 I guess at least we’d feel a bit more prepared.. Such a difficult situation we really go round in circles! X

This is one of the reasons we only have DS. Combined with awful birth, no sleep for years, PND and then the crushing worry about him when we realised he wasn't developing typically.

I really struggled, both physically on no sleep but emotionally. My mental health was bad, I was worried for my marriage and I felt I couldn't worry about another child the same as I worried about DS, knowing we had a high chance of having another child with additional needs. I had never suffered with my mental health before becoming a mother.

It was hard, everyone I knew was having second babies and I felt very inadequate. DS is now nearly 5 and still has some speech and Language issues, he goes to a mainstream primary with specialist provision but has come an astonishingly long way from the time we made the decision to not have another child. If I'm honest the last few months I have wondered if we made the right decision but we did with the information we had at the time. I'm only thinking this because everything is so settled, DS sleeps, he's happy and settled at school and making amazing progress. If I felt how I did 2.5 years ago there's no would be wondering whether we were wrong.

Life is good now, I'm back at work having previously been a sahm since DS was born, he's so much easier in so many ways and looking forward to everything opening up and doing stuff with him. We are still waiting for an asd assessment, for nearly 2.5 years now, but I'm not sure he'd get a diagnosis now. Being an 'only' meant we could spend £80 a week on private SALT for him for 18 months, we are happy in our three bed house especially now dh works from home full time in the third bedroom thanks to COVID. We felt we needed all our physical, financial, emotional energy for DS.

There's no right or wrong answer, it's whatever is best for your family.

It's a tough one. I was 6 months pregnant when my toddler regressed and it became clear he was autistic. It wasn't even on my radar when we conceived his sister.
Baby is now 8 months old. Tbh, I'm finding things really hard. Like you I've never as any mental health issues in the past but I think I need to do something to help my mental well-being now. I spend a lot of time worrying about my baby and whether she will also be autistic (she does have some quirks, I know it's too soon to say and I just need to enjoy her but it's easier said than done) then feel I don't have the time I want to dedicate to supporting my son. I do sometimes wish we hadn't had her, which I know is an awful thing to say, but I'm currently so worried about the future.
Hopefully as she gets bigger I'll find happiness in it all.
There is no right answer and likely if my daughter was smashing through milestones I'd feel differently but things feel very difficult right now.

@Rosebud100 sorry to hear you are finding things tough. I echo what @Fromwhenceshecame said, that "fortunately " I didn't know my DS was autistic when we conceived my DD, because I am so incredibly glad we have two children. But, it is anything but easy, and that's the reality! My DS was dx when DD was a baby, then when DD was 18mo we had concerns about her, she was recently dx age 3. They have different profiles but both have lots of language. The last year in particular has been incredibly difficult supporting both their needs, and my DH and I have recently decided he will give up work and for a couple of years we will both be Carers for the children, just because life was too stressful with me trying to care for both.

Alongside the stress and challenges though, my two children get along well and know they belong as part of a tight family unit. When they face challenges at school, they know they belong with us at home. Having two autistic children normalises the concept of autism in out house, and it's great they each have someone to learn to take turns with!!

Have you got family nearby who are ready to be involved?

Having DS2 was one of the best things we ever did for his older brother. DS1 struggles massively with friendships and social skills. He has a best buddy at home who thinks he is the funniest, cleverest and kindest person in the world. I don't think either of them would have got through the last year or so without the other.

We do have some history of ASD in both families and DS2 is definitely NT. DS1 was also born with a medical condition that DS2 had an increased risk of also having, and he was born completely healthy. It is not a forgone conclusion that future children will face the same challenges as their siblings.

It’s so interesting and helpful reading all your stories, thank you so much for sharing with such honesty. @INeedtobealone I’m really pleased to hear how well things are going for you now. It’s so nice to hear that with the support he needs, your DS has been able to reach his full potential. And @RulerForRuler how lovely that your two sons can have each other and be so close, I think that’s maybe what I’m hoping for our DS...

I really feel for you @Rosebud100 😔 the worry is crippling isn’t it. Sometimes I wish I could have a sneek peek a couple of years into the future just to see how things work out. It’s the not knowing whether things will get better that makes it hard to go on some days.

I really did struggle in the early months of DS being born which does make me wary to go through it all again. But even now with his potential challenges I’m still so glad we had him, which makes me think I’d feel the same with another one. I’m fully prepared for how incredibly hard it could be and we are lucky to have so much family support close by. But saying that I don’t know what the future holds and things with DS might become so impossibly hard that I’d struggle to cope with him, let alone another child. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head @ClocksGoBack! We worry we’ll be ‘carers rather than parents’. And maybe a part of me is hoping if we had a second child we’d get to experience ‘parenting rather than being carers’...

I guess it’s weighing up which regret would be worse 😏

Regret not having another one, or struggle so badly with two that we’d regret our choice 😔

Just to clarify, I meant my DH and I will both be "Carers" in the economic sense of the word, ie we will both have our main occupation as supporting the children for a couple of years. We definitely see ourselves as parents first and foremost, just that our children need us to be more thoughtful and specific in how we parent them to align with who they are.

Having said this, when I'm gritting my teeth to stay patient because one of my children is having a high pitched meltdown and trying to kick me, yes I do feel like a "Carer" employing strategies to keep my calm and help my kids through it. But that's not all that different to the many times I gritted my teeth when DS was a baby, way before knowing he had SN, when he was waking frequently through the night to be fed, I felt like a servant rather than my ideal of a loved-up mother blissfully feeding her baby. I was in fact being 100% a mother, it just took the form of being a feeding servant!

It is very difficult I think you have to think really deeply about what would upset you the most not having another child or having one with additional needs? I have three children, one NT, one suspected ASD and severe speech disorder, one NT but with speech disorder.

I was pregnant with the third before we realised the level of difficulty we were facing with my second child. Things were very difficult during the Preschool years but the speech disorders have after many hours of therapy largely resolved and the ASD does not have such a large impact as when they were younger. I know things will change and there will be more difficulties as the children mature but in my case the level of care needed for the special needs has really decreased. My youngest has bought amazing friendship for my second child and the level of love shown between them is wonderful.

It really does come down to what you as a family think you can cope with. What you feel you would be happiest with?

As per my last post and the post above we decided we didn't want to take the 'risk' of having another child with additional needs. I felt so low, anxious and alone that I wasn't in the best frame of mind to consider having another when Ds was 2/3 and at the time that decision was correct.

I worried about having two children with additional needs whose needs were very different. DS may get a diagnosis but apart from his speech and language delay, which is resolving, he is not a difficult child. I was very aware another child could have very different needs, I used to work in a special needs school. For me I felt that risk was too great, plus the strain it would have placed on myself, mental health and my husband and on our marriage.

Now ds is nearly 5, discounting any potential additional needs, I can't imagine going back to the baby days but like I said I have wondered if it ultimately was the right decision. This is me thinking back with rose tinted glasses and some nostalgia for baby ds. When I reality I may have ended up with a hugely demanding baby/toddler, Ds whose needs had the potential to be more pronounced than they are whilst also being a 4/5 year old who needs attention and time, crumbling mental health and a ruined marriage. That is an extreme set of scenarios but not impossible.

For us we felt the risk was too great. Maybe we were wrong, as things change and evolve and they don't stay tiny forever, but I'll never know.

It's great to hear the positive stories of more than one child, even if both are diagnosed. Hopefully I'll feel like this sometime soon.
@ClocksGoBack it sounds like you are a brilliant family unit and it's great you and your husband are working together so well. I'm worried that even one of us having to give up work would put us in a tough position financially and I'm not sure I'd cope being a sham if this past year is anything to go by, though equally I'm not sure how I'm going to cope being back at work when mat leave ends!
@MashaPotato yes the worry absolutely is crippling and is definitely impacting on how I can enjoy the present 😞 I do need to look in to getting some counselling, it's just another thing on an already long to do list. I would also like to look forward a couple of years, although also wonder that if might be best not to know if things are going to get super hard, currently my son is pretty manageable really (between me and my husband anyways!) so I'm terrified of how things might develop as he gets bigger plus how things pan out with his sister. Sigh.

@Rosebud100 we're in a very similar situation. Have a non-verbal 2 year old awaiting diagnosis (but have been advised most likely autistic) and an 8 month old. 2 year old cannot tolerate even being in the same room as baby at the moment and is unhappy and frustrated most of the day, so we're finding it really difficult at the moment. I'm dreading going back to work after maternity leave as we can just about cope when there's two of us looking after them. I'm glad I was already pregnant when we first suspected DD1 was autistic as I'm not sure we would have had another baby had we known beforehand. I really hope things will get easier but it's hard not knowing If DD2 will also have additional needs or how severe DD1s needs may become.

That sounds super tough @sharedroom, my son mostly ignores my daughter which while upsetting, is much easier to deal with in practical terms. My baby keeps looking and shouting at him and gets nothing back 🤦‍♀️
Yes, the fear about how things will pan out for both children is such a worry. I hope your daughter starts to tolerate being in the same room as her sibling and things get easier for you. Will they go to nursery when you go back to work?