Am I condemned to being a SAHM??

[Nat1H]

I gave up work as a teacher 2 years ago to care for DS2 (CP, epilepsy etc etc!!)
He is at full time nursry at the moment and has been really well for months now, so I have taken on some work in DS1's school and at a local dancing school. I was due to teach all afternoon today 1 - 5.30pm, but Ds2 has had 5 fits this morning (unheard of) and I have had to collect him from nursery. He looks awful (poor thing) and has gone straight to bed, but now I can't teach this afternoon .
It seems that every time I plan something to take palce regularly, it gets messed up. I know it's only one week, but I am frightened of being labelled as 'unreliable'.
I really wanted to try to go back to work next year when DS2 is at school, but now I can't see it happening.
Will I be have to be a SAHM forever??

Hi Nat, no advice except to say you're not alone. I gave up a career in the police 2 yrs ago because of DS (ASD). He's only at school for 3 hours aday, and even then I am 'on call' go and rescue them/him!! I would love to go back to work, but being a single mum too, I can see no chance of this in the near future. I expect theres many others on this board who will say the same. I hope your DS is feeling better soon.

Thanks Sarah. It's nice to know there are other people in the same situation. I often think that people look at me and think 'why is she not at work - lazy cow!!'

It's very hard .

I gave up years ago. everytime I think of getting a job. the post comes with loads of appointments and dd gets ill. take today she is off with a cold. if nt she could have gone to school abut have to be careful in case she has a fit and then there is the risk of others at her sn school getting it.

It's difficult- really. DS1 aged 8 is severely autistic; he's at school full time but we have no access to afterschool care so I am tied to his transport timetable& of course holidays. I decided about a year ago that I needed to do something but that it obviously needed to be flexible. I've been lucky enough to get PhD funding, which means I get paid but have total (almost) flexibility over my hours. There is stuff out there, it's just hard to find it.

I'm at home too despite being a clinical psych. With dd's appointments and epilepsy I could never plan for anything plus being disabled myself. Even when she's at school full time there's still 14 weeks holiday etc etc plus with severe quad CP there will be lots of pneumonia, aspiration, and other jollies.
So, am resigned to being broke and watching Fern n Phil for ever n ever until my brain trickles out.

I know I'm lucky in that I'm currently doing 2 days work a week - my sisters help me with after school care, and they and exH do the school holidays I can't get off. But even with this I've used up all my carer's leave entitlement, and have had to work time back. I think 2 days is my limit for work, I'm always looking at my mobile and waiting for school to call to say there's a reason to collect DD3

I do several hours a week as a proofreader/editor at home. It's a lot more boring than the job I used to do, and I miss people -- but it beats just looking at the laundry and waiting for that call. Nat, is this supply work that you are doing? Is it likely to come up regularly, or is it a one-off? If you can keep a toe in the water, I do think it helps with self-esteem (OK, pride...) if not much with the bills.

I so know that feeling, though. And my dad will sort of sigh and mention what a pity it is that I'm not using my qualifications...

I feel for you.

I started a new job last week, just 11 hours a week on a temp contract for maternity cover, and I am wondering if I've made a big mistake

It's such a hassle getting childcare sorted, despite DD2 being at nursery 5 mornings a week - she's only there 2.5 hrs so I need a childminder as well, and luckily have found a fab one who I trust with DD2. But after childcare I am working for peanuts and in the holidays I will be paying to go to work! And then if DD is ill I have to let work down.

It's so difficult, I don't know of any answers.

Sympathy - I've struggled to stay in work with dd's rubbish school attendance. Not usually more than 80% - average of one day off a week but it doesn't fall that conveniently lol!

I did pack it in at one time but have been very lucky since to find a couple of flexible jobs term-time only. I'm doing up to 15 hours at the moment, can pretty much work it as needs be and just about stay under the earnings limit for Carer's too.

Hope you can find something suitable Nat.

Hi Nat - I work F/T (my dd has CP, PMLD etc.) We've been really lucky with childcare, we've had a nanny for the past two years, and one day a week dd goes to a lovely childminder. It's pretty much a cost neutral situation, but for me it's really helped to go back to work so it's been worth it.

If you are looking for childcare I recommend trying SNAP, they're brilliant. Likewise, we found our childminder by asking at the local SN school (which is how a lot of people seem to find help).

SNAP

Good luck

I've managed, just about to stay with the same employer.
I took extended leave after ds2 was born & tried to return to my old job but I needed more flexibility so I had to take a demotion & reduce my hours, my current job is mind numbingly boring (criminal history/statistics) BUT pays the bills etc.
My holiday entitlement is always used up 6 months in to the year & then for every appointment/illness I take unpaid leave & I feel guilty for not having holiday left to do things like go on the school trip with ds1.

I wouldn't be able to do it without a very understanding employer & an amazing childminder.

I do wonder though is it all worth all the juggling & exhaustion.
Money permitting I would rather be a SAHM but I guess the difference being you sound like you enjoy your job, if it helps at all it has got easier since he started school.

I would love to go back to work and still struggle with being a SAHM. I teach mine at home having had huge problems with school, (I say teach, actually we go out a lot cos I go mad when kept in). I was looking to go back to work weekends but since DS2 was dx with CP I have another wealth of appointments and physio to wade through and I guess I just have to accept it wont happen for a few years yet. To be honest, I'd probably be more exhausted than I am already and have to spend all my wages on a cleaner. At least I'd get out though!

I worked part time in a medical lab until about 2 years ago. Through a twist of fate, I had a car crash and the decision to stop working was taken out of my hands when my employer terminated my contract because of MY ill health.

Looking back, I don't know how I managed to work and juggle dd's and dh's appointments and illnesses. Dd is struggling more now she is getting older, and dh is partially sighted and will be having a risky eye op soon. He is still just about managing to work. I'm always on call in case dh has a fit, or dd's heart starts beating irregularly

I still miss working. They used to joke that I only worked to have a break from all the stuff that's going on at home, and maybe they were right

Fio I got told off once by someone who found out we use DLA/CA for household expenses! I told her firmly that if I didn't use DD2s benefits for household expenses we would have had to sell our house. What would have been the point in DD2 (who will never live independently) having thousands in the bank when we are homeless?

But I still feel guilty sometimes using 'her' money in this way - even though it's keeping a roof over her head. Daft really.

I was a Police Officer but started a career break six months ago. I can't see me ever going back. I have qualified as a personal trainer and intend to work for myself although will only be able to take 1-2 clients at a time so the money I earn will be pocket money.

Who told you off Sidge? next time you could point out that many people with children with SN live in poverty because of the problems with childcare. There was a great Guardian article a few years ago see here

Here's the bit:

"Disabled children cost three times as much as other children to bring up. Yet their mothers are seven times less likely than other mothers to be in work, mainly because of a lack of childcare and early education provision. Small wonder that 55% of disabled children's families live in poverty and fall into credit card debt for food, heating and housing."

Anyway carers allowance is yours. The provision I hope to get ds1 into as an adult costs £300 a DAY. I no longer get CA as I'm a full time student. Never mind that I'm still putting in as many carer's hours as I was before I was a full time student

It sucks doesn't it Yurt? CA is peanuts as well - I mean I'm grateful for it, but it's hardly fair recompense for the money we are saving the Government in carers/nurses wages.

I got told off by a vague acquaintance - she hardly knew me but felt the need to pass comment. Funnily enough I haven't spoken to her since

i can't work got pensioned off after a few back ops, gotta laugh thou, three kids with autism and DH with a terminal brain tumour but i am not allowed to get any carers allowance cos i am on incapacity benefit
probably just as well that i can't work imagine me trying to find a willing childminder

My DH had to give up work too to help me look after dd. At the mo we live on CTC and DLA/CA cos the barstard DWP said he gave up work voluntarily. But I struggled with dd for nearly 3 years alone, and my other 3. I have multiple sclerosis and depression and dd's non-stop screaming made me have a breakdown.
Its much easier now DH is home but we are so skint. We've got an appeal going through about income support cos the CAB said if you give up work to be a carer you can have IS and your mortgage interest paid. Right now the CTC all goes on the mortagege and we live on just the DLA.
DH finds it tough being a carer. He has a PhD and was a research scientist talking brainy equations (he's a mathematician) with other scientists. Now the most intelectual conversation we have is do we have enough coal to heat 2 rooms and he has to watch 'In the Night Garden' with dd which is enough to make anyone's brains dribble out. He's hoping his company will take him back school hours when dd goes to school. Ironically enough we'll be worse off. Part time is about 50p over the limit for WTC and we'll lose a huge chunk of the CTC plus have to pay the interest on the mortgage ourselves. We'll be much wosre off but poor DH is only 40 and can't bear the thought of being unemployed for ever. He loved his job and hates relying on the state.
Dunno what I'll do when dd goes to school. She'll still require endless appointments plus gets ill often (quad CP so gets respiratory problems and pneumonia). I'd like to do a Masters degree but can't afford to pay for it. Ho hum. Backt o Phil n Fern

Can't you get sponsorship/funding to do your masters? I looked into doing a music therapy masters, and they said that their are plenty of people who will fund it for you. Have decided against it at the mo - as I can't see me having the time, but maybe you could look into it.

It is very tough and I do sometimes wonder whether to give up. Dd2 has SLD and is full time at special school. I work 20 hours a week over 4 days during school hours - if she is ill or has appointments, I either juggle my days round to make up the hours or have to take it as unpaid. Luckily I have an understanding employer who has arranged that I can work from home if necessary (this involved them buying me a company laptop, so I really seem to have fallen on my feet with them).

During the school holidays, she goes to the same standard holiday club as her NT sister and has a 1-1 support worker funded by Sure Start. Not sure if this is available all over the country and I doubt it would be suitable for all types of SN, again we have been lucky. We get 8 hours a week during the holidays, I make up the rest of my hours working from home in the early mornings or during the evenings. Sometimes it really doesn't seem worth it but I appreciate that we are quite well provided for here (in Swindon) for SN provision.