PDA

[Blossomplease6]

Can anyone tell me more about this. Real life examples? I’ve come across it a bit and I think some of the parent tactics work better with my son but I don’t actually think he has it. I try not to ‘demand’ but instead ask and encourage and he is often ok with general demands.
Getting dressed for example is often an issue, but not due to the demand, more not being able to focus on it and it taking ages.
What I have noticed is how much he struggles with being told no. Sometimes he’ll tolerate it and accept it no bother but often he’ll either argue, bargain, meltdown ect. Lots of “it’s not fair” and comparing to others. Expects to be allowed to do what other people do, including me. Feels very hard done by “hates his life”. Very hard because if I let him do something once he’ll expect it every time. Computer games are one major issue but it effects everything else too.

How old is your DC? My DS is 5.5 and gas a pda profile. Everything can be taken as a demand. Instead of get dresses we have to kay clothes out and tell him they're there, we do things at set times so he knows when he has to do things by, it's like walking on eggshells a lot but we're finding our own way. My SIL and friends with NT kids think we are way too soft, not enough boundaries etc, but we do have boundaries based in safe and unsafe instead of yes and no. If we say no, DS needs to have a good reason, and yes he also expects to be able to do things everyone else can do. He has no inherent respect for authority because he thinks that we are all equal. I say no we can't do this because it is not safe and, if we stay safe, we can have a treat. Star charts work sometimes. He has a sweets pot (just a few) every day after school regardless of how school went because he tried his best that day. We started this after huge anger and anxiety meltdowns last year. You need to take the power and control out of an argument and bring it back to keeping safe. Put things away, eg sweets that aren't for now. Say if it's cold outside, model getting a jumper and say out loud 'ooh I'm chly, I might get my jumper' instead of telling them to put the jumper on. It takes so much patience and sometimes I forget, which doesn't end well. I found the PDA Society to be incredibly helpful.

Similar to above, DS has no understanding of hierarchy and thinks adults and children are equals, hence the world is very unfair. (He's said parents telling children what to do is "child abuse".)

Where pp has safe/unsafe, we have things that are 'unacceptable' which often works, it's quite ambiguous who is making the rule, and is not me saying no.

We also do the laying clothes out, to hurry up I might say oh looks like we might be late etc. Bath time is the WORST in our house, but that's due to anxiety/sensory and me having to tell him what to do as otherwise he won't have a wash or wash his hair . It's been a long learning process and sometimes I just say no! Because I said so! Like everyone else 😂

PDA is very difficult..... the child needs full control and anxiety at maximum. Is your child anxious or not? Will he go outside to a park? Maybe he could have “ODD” if he is not anxious.

Generally no socialising, no play dates, no exciting children’s parties - lucky to leave the house !!!! It’s a massive fear the world outside and people.

Everything is boring - sleep in boring why should I do it? Just sleep only when I’m tired not everyday. Everything is incredibly hard work.

School is boring and refuse to do work.
Can’t walk as my legs don’t work

Everything is a struggle, meltdowns last over a hr or 2/3 hrs of real crying and uncontrollable......

No bribes, no star charts , no money - nothing works a PDA child will only do something if they WANT to

Xxx

Our son was recently diagnosed ASD with PDA profile and ADHD. Life is pretty tough right now and we are all learning to cope with it.

We've always managed to cope previously, however things have really escalated for us over the past 8 weeks.

He can't cope with school any more due to the demands and anxiety it causes.

Any direct demands will be met with no. He is ruling our lives. We've tried consequences, that results in very extreme violence and hours of melt downs. We've tried rewards, he's not bothered most of the time.

It can be very very tough...

@KentByTheSea I'm sorry to hear things are tough. My youngest is demand avoidant and we've felt like we're drowning the past 18 months. Recently we've had input from an experienced psychologist who has helped us a lot. At her advice I now give my youngest ice lollies 2/3 times per day as the oral sensory really helps; we've stopped trying to get DC to sit at the table and instead offer food in the bath; we allow more frequent iPad time because it is soothing for DC. Ice lollies, eating away from table, iPad ... all things I would never have thought appropriate, yet for our youngest, so helpful.

Please can I join the thread.
Have had such an awful morning with my DS trying to get him to school. The mornings are just hideous. I'm consistently late for work and today I can't stop crying as I'm so upset about his behaviour.

Your messages above describe our family life well. His demand avoidance completely rules our family. We all have to dance round on eggshells trying to avoid upsetting him. It's exhausting and feels never ending. I've no idea where to go for help. We got a diagnosis but there's no ongoing support.

Hi weasel sorry to hear you had a difficult time this week. Eggshells, exhausting... I totally get this.

Im not sure if my DD would meet the criteria for dx of PDA, she has a dx of autism and the report mentions demand avoidance, but they told me they don't give the dx of PDA in our area.

Recently DD had a very anxious period and we were advised to try printing out lots of photos of people she loves and familiar objects in the home etc, and stick them all over the home. We tried it, she loved it.

If I forget on weekends to show her a picture of which playground we're going to, she is so anxious we literally can't get her out of the door due to meltdowns. My DD is really, really verbal and bright, she understands perfectly which playground we're going to if I tell her verbally. But somehow, it's seeing an actual photo of it that calms her anxiety.

So I'm trying to remember now that visuals help reduce her anxiety.

It's not a silver bullet for the meltdowns and control, but anything which helps take the edge off the anxiety has got to be worth it.