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Child’s refusal

9 replies

Chris100000 · 30/03/2021 09:14

Hi I’ve never been on here before and a little wary as it’s mumsnet and I’m a man but hopefully you guys are nice to me ha
I need advice , direction and contacts , here it is , me and my partner have a child our only child she’s 12 years old and attends secondary school now as they’ve recently returned but when she goes in it’s rare and on and off but mostly off , due to what we suspect as low self esteem , anxiety issues , sensitive nature , we don’t yell at her for this we try and be as disciplined as possible always as we don’t want to affect her in more ways we want to help but the thing is we don’t know the real issue , if we did we could address it , she won’t open up , very rare moments we think she may but leads to nothing we have contacted TAHMS which is a mental health thing for children I think , correct me if I’m wrong , my partner deals with them , but nothings getting done !! She’s at home getting no education and not socialising with other kids and to us it’s a downwards spiral , I need help please anybody reading this have you had the same or similar issues ? Are there other schools for this that are suitable? Homeschooling with a tutor ? CBT counsellor , we don’t know where to turn , don’t get me wrong sometimes we can try the tough love approach but it doesn’t work , she’s so stubborn , we are her parents and to be honest I think she would listen more to an authortive figure outside of the family , , thank you for reading this I appreciate it and would love a response , thank you

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openupmyeagereyes · 30/03/2021 09:48

Does she have a diagnosis of any kind? Do the school have any adjustments in place to help her attend? Did these issues start before or after Covid?

Here are some links with information you may find helpful:

www.sunshine-support.org/school-attendance-difficulties-and-school-related-trauma

schools.westsussex.gov.uk/Page/10483

Chris100000 · 30/03/2021 09:55

Thanks for the reply !
We suspect she has AFRID (Avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder)
But difficult to diagnose, these issues started before COVID-19, yesterday the school have a card she can hold up for a time out but she hasn’t used yet , and she is off today

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openupmyeagereyes · 30/03/2021 11:04

So then likely sensory/anxiety and control issues. There is a great sensory resource here:

www.falkirk.gov.uk/services/social-care/disabilities/docs/young-people/Making%20Sense%20of%20Sensory%20Behaviour.pdf?v=201906271131

I can only speak from the experience of parenting my 7yo autistic ds, who has been through periods of school avoidance. You need to work closely with the school. Speak to the SENco about all the issues you are facing and ask them to come up with a reintegration plan. Are there any lessons that she enjoys that she could go in for initially, is there a quiet space she could eat her lunch? Whatever seems right for your dd, building her confidence gradually. Focus on the long term goal of her being happy and settled in school rather than worrying about what she is missing today or this week.

Speak to the school about applying for an education, health and care needs assessment or apply for one yourself.

Investigate the female presentation of autism and see if that applies to your dd. If it does then speak to your GP or CAMHS about an assessment.

Chris100000 · 30/03/2021 11:32

Your response has been most helpful , we are waiting on CAMHS , and will take others into consideration:)

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Ellie56 · 30/03/2021 15:20

Info and advice here:
www.ipsea.org.uk/school-refusal

Also, as your child is of statutory school age, under section 19 of the Education Act 1996, the LA has a legal duty to secure suitable, full-time alternative education for her.

www.ipsea.org.uk/getting-temporary-education-put-in-placegs

Whatever you do, though, just be wary of "electing to home educate" (unless you really want to do it) as the minute you do that, all the responsibility lies with you, and the LA will wash their hands of you.

www.ipsea.org.uk/home-schooling-and-education-otherwise

Niffler75 · 30/03/2021 19:58

@Chris100000 Hi! A really good resource is the 'Not Fine in School' website. Excellent resources on there for parents!

Chris100000 · 30/03/2021 23:13

Will definitely check this out thanks

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Chris100000 · 31/03/2021 09:14

Thanks 🙏

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Chris100000 · 03/04/2021 13:36

Hi my 12 year old daughter recently came out with that she wouldn't care if she was referred to as "They"

Anybody had experience in this ?

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