Daughter wants Diagnosis

[Lostinjuarez]

Hi

My daughter, who is 17, has always been socially awkward and disorganised , and that has brought with it all the challenges you might expect, like periodic bullying and underperforming at school.

She’s very keen to get a doctor (or some other specialist) to diagnose her with SOMETHING, with ADHD and autism the ones she focuses on. I ask her what she wants this diagnosis for, and she replies a) she wants to understand why she’s “weird/different”, and b) she will get extra support at school, and maybe more exam time.

As for a) - well, find me a child who doesn’t think they’re at least a bit weird or different at that age. I know I certainly did, and I don’t miss those times at all. And I was I unusual in some ways, but so were a lot of my contemporaries. And b) - I’m not sure what support she can be given that will help her in her life once she leaves full time education - she has ambitious career plans (highly paid lawyer), and I don’t think there’ll be much sympathy or patience in the workplace if she points to a diagnosis as a reason why some work hasn’t been done the way it needed to be. Can she be taught some coping strategies? That seems a possibility, but we could arrange that without a diagnosis.

She’s asked, but her school haven’t found her to be unusual enough in her behaviour to merit a referral, so it would need to be done privately, and, from my daughter’s investigations, that could cost the best part of £1k, or more! I can’t deny, this is one of the reasons I’m hesitant.

Ultimately I think she’s a lot more “normal” than she thinks she is, that she will realise that in 10 years, and I feel like there can be a rush to attribute any non-standard character traits or negative feelings to this or that medical or psychological condition, rather than to it just being the child’s particular personality, and something to be worked on at an individual level or with the parents’ help, rather than needing any specialist advice, or even medication.

Does anyone have any similar experiences? Do such diagnoses really do much good, other than setting the child’s mind at rest in some way (while also making them feel “other” in a way, so I’m not sure the positives necessarily outweigh the negatives)?

I don't know your dd, and if there are any conditions that she lives with, but I have read a LOT of testimonies from people who were diagnosed with conditions as adults who are very sad their difference weren't recognised at a younger age, and who do not regret for one minute going forward to get that diagnosis to help them understand their differences and how if effects them.

Not sure why you would have to go privately ?
Your GP can refer her for assessment. It isn't quick, but it doesn't cost.

You are sounding very dismissive of her. Autistic children become autistic adults. Extra support at university or adaptations in the workplace would require a diagnosis. It offers the individual a chance to understand themselves and develop coping mechanisms. My dhs parents refused to allow him a diagnosis /referral when school age. Could have spared him 25 years of high dose anti depressants etc

I believe if she were to get a diagnosis, you would feel guilt on your part as I'm pretty sure you may have had some minor concerns whilst she was growing up. This is normal, but I wouldn't be dismissive of her. Is she heading to University? Then she would need to get all the help that she needs. I was diagnosed with Dyslexia in my early 20's- I was angry and relieved at the same time. Angry that I didn't get the support much more earlier on and my family did not think to do this for me (even though they had suspicions) and relieved that I wasn't "weird" or "stupid" but I had done thing which made learning very difficult.

Thanks for your replies, everyone. Your input is much appreciated!

You seem very dismissive of your daughter's issues and yet you acknowledge that "she has always been socially awkward and disorganised" (key characteristics in children and adults with autism)and that she has been bullied regularly and underperformed at school.

Have you never been motivated to discover why this is and to get the support put in place that she obviously feels she needs?

Maybe if she had had appropriate support, she might have done much better in her studies, not been bullied quite so much, and be in a better position now to work towards the law career she aspires to.

In answer to your question about support - University students can apply for a disabled students allowance:

www.gov.uk/disabled-students-allowance-dsa

As far as work goes - The Equality Act requires employers to make "reasonable adjustments" for disabled people. There are also Access to Work grants.

jobhelp.campaign.gov.uk/access-to-work/?gclid=Cj0KCQjw0oCDBhCPARIsAII3C_ExTTZc38YDZfOw-jbe6_FDEKXuvo5504OrEeugGb4-zX3Jq0RgPSoaApLXEALw_wcB

I think you should be more supportive of your daughter and as PP above suggested start with making an appointment with your GP.

Autism often goes undiagnosed in girls and women, as they often "mask" their difficulties, but it is still there, and still a disability.

The other thing you should be aware of is that the incidence of mental ill health in people with autism is much higher than in the rest of the population.