Saying the right thing

[Alicealicewhothe]

Hello all

Seeking some advice. A friend of mine her little boy is currently looking like he might be diagnosed with special educational needs.

Any advice on what to say or do to help her when she tells me. She has said he has assessment from salt and they are asking if any traits in the family.

I guess I just want to know how best to support her if hee does get a diagnosis.

I know saying things like oh he will be fine or he will do it when he's ready isn't always helpful and not what I want to do.

Thank you

I think quite a lot of parents actually feel getting a diagnosis can be quite helpful.
There can be an initial sort of "grieving" process, but then it comes to some as a relief. They understand there is a reason for any differences the child might display - which can be particularly helpful if the child has challenging behaviour. It also makes it easier to access help. Saying "My child has X" is a lot easier than saying "My child does a, b, and c, but isn't yet able to do d, e, and f". It is a 'shorthand' to begin conversations or adjustments.

It is also sometimes good to remind people that their dc is still the same lovely dc that they had the day before the diagnosis, who {insert the loveable things about them} with or without a diagnosis.

You are absolutely right in your assumptions. Ask her how she’s feeling about it (whatever the result) and listen without judgement or platitudes. Offer to help in whatever way she needs if you are willing and able to do so, I’m sure this would be much appreciated.

You're right that being dismissive is a bad idea.

Also avoid asking questions or make statements trying to "prove" he's ok / normal / not that "bad".

I would love it if people would say to me along lines of, "well he's an incredible little boy and nothing will change that, I love the way he x y and z".

Oh but also let them know that you're there for them whenever they want and listen without judgement x

You're on the right path by not brushing it off or saying it's ok. Platitudes are the worst.

The best thing one of my friends did was take me for a long walk round a park, with a hot chocolate, and just listened and listened as I poured out all my emotions and reactions straight after the diagnosis. Not trying to fix anything, no suggestions, just really alongside me.

The worst reaction was from a friend who literally stopped contact with me & never even replied to my text message telling her the diagnosis. I was incredibly hurt. I think she just didn't know what to say , and realised that although we'd been good friends for the past 3 years that we would have a very different path ahead of us to her with her child, and she probably realised she just didn't want to go the distance. It hurt like mad. Having a child with extra needs definitely sorts the wheat from the chaff with your friendships.

Thanks everyone he is 4 years old and its been an uphill battle for them so suspect it will almost be a relief.