I feel like I'm failing as a mum

[Jambalaya76]

I'm just a mum, of a boy, who doesn't know what to do. He/ we have difficulties. He's 8. He is being assessed by CAMHS for autism. But it's a thin line whether he is affected by it. He is complex. I can't seem to reach him. I'm just sad we don't have a connection. I shout a lot, can't seem to handle his behaviour, and to shout is my primary response, I panic. He is erratic, jumpy, bouncy, too energetic. to get close to him means I get an elbow in the eye, teeth, accidentally of course. Something always seems to get broken.
He's not my first child. They seemed easy before him. But he is a challenge. A challenge that I want to take, but I'm struggling. I struggle to be in the moment with him. To enjoy the now. Something always takes up my attention. Work, cleaning, the dog. A phone call. Maybe I'm looking for a get out . Why? He's not easy to be around. But he's my son, how can it be so difficult?
I can't be the first parent to feel this?
I love him with all my heart. I yearn for a connection, which I do get, rarely.
He can be the most loving, and give the most love, but only if i block out all the difficult times. The times when he's never happy, complains, downright nasty, rude, lazy. But is that because he's only 8 and just learning? Or is that because of me? Or who he just is?

I want a relationship with him.
How do I have a good one?

You're not failing as a mum, you clearly care so deeply for your son and I'm sure he feels safe and loved. The fact that you are so upset about your relationship shows that you're a kind mum who wants the best for her child.

You say he's being assessed for autism, have you had a look at some books about autistic children? They might give you some ideas for how to improve your connection. I loved Uniquely Human and I've heard great things about How To Raise a Happy Autistic Child.

Also remember that it's extra hard at the minute with lockdown, extra hard for both of you, and this isn't going to last forever. Please be kind to yourself!

I feel the same op, my dd is 8.5 and is being assessed for ASD. She can be adorable and life is good and then she can just change and become this different person. I feel like a terrible mother sometimes and don't know how to handle her mood swings which mainly happen when she is anxious. We had a terrible night last night because she is anxious about going back to school today (I'm a keyworker). I don't have any advice but you're not alone!!

Just coming on board to empathise, you aren't alone. Really struggling with my challenging dd too. The lockdown making everything so much worse. I'm not sleeping worrying about her.

Every day I feel motivated to keep everything really positive!! But as we know, it's one thing saying that and another thing living it when the going gets tough.
Can you make a list of activities to do you with your ds that will stimulate him, that he will really enjoy, and make out a schedule for him? I am trying this with my dd and it seems to be helping, as she has something to look forward to (even something small that he likes, yesterday it was making stuff out of icing although she ate loads and was then hyper and difficult) and having a daily schedule written down can help as they can see and anticipate what is coming next.
It is all very difficult and wears you down, we need to just reduce our expectations as we are going through a really difficult period with the lockdowns. I also feel like I'm failing and dd is getting behind in her work now. It's hard. Sending hugs

I really feel like play therapy could be hugely beneficial to you both. If you go private you can normally self refer and get it very quickly. X