What to do if you are starting to really worry about a child’s behaviour?

[YoureBreakingMyHeartCecilia]

I have a much-loved goddaughter, daughter of my oldest friend.

I don’t know where to start. She has always been what you would have to call ‘highly strung’, which is an understatement. I have two highly strung kids of my own; my goddaughter is a very different kettle of fish.

Her tantrums are and always have been extreme. She is now 9 and tantrums like a toddler. I would say frequently as well: we see them at least once a week in normal times, more screen contact recently obv, and every time we see her there is a meltdown. From what my friend tells me they are daily, at least.

They tend to be over astonishingly small things: Another child has accidentally got mud on her foot; she can’t find the right colour pencil and thinks her mum has lost it; it is time to leave the park and she doesn’t want to go. Screaming, shouting, blaming, recriminations, tears, refusal etc. They often last up to half an hour.

She lies frequently; I have witnessed her eg shoving another child and then spinning a long convoluted story about how she was the one who was shoved. This, again, is a regular occurrence (as I say with lockdown we don’t see them in person but it has been a feature ever since she could first talk).

She struggles behaviourally at school; she is always in trouble with teachers and seems isolated socially as she has fallen out with large numbers of her class over time.

She seems almost absurdly over sensitive to perceived criticism, if that makes ANY sense?

None of this ‘feels’ quite right to me. I have worked with children (though many years ago) and have two of my own, both of whom are as I say very highly strung. I don’t know how to help my friend who is struggling so much and is getting so defensive, she is in permanent crisis with the school who she blames for ‘labelling’ her daughter and she thinks they are misunderstanding her. I don’t know if she herself hasn’t noticed the lying; she certainly knows about the physical incidents and the fallings-out.

This is such a wild ramble I’m sorry but I am hearing such distress from my friend and I don’t know how to help beyond merely listening. I feel in my gut that something is needed here, they need help. School are kind of trying but my friend is so angry with them she isn’t listening. I fear that anything I say will be met with defensiveness. She is very isolated herself, I think other friends have abandoned her a bit after one too many disastrous play dates .

I don’t even know where to begin. I’m stupidly googling ‘emotional problems in 9 year olds’ and even then I have no idea how I can begin to say to my friend that I think the situation is now not just ‘going away’ and that her daughter is not ‘growing out of it’, that I think she needs to investigate some help from people (not me!!!) who actually know what they’re talking about.

I’m scared it will blow a hole in our 20 year friendship and I don’t want to upset her; I sort of feel like she knows something is not right and she is ready to attack anyone who comes close to saying so?

I hope I’m not offending anyone by rambling on and asking what I hope aren’t insensitive questions. I feel like I am all my friend has. I don’t know how to broach this. I don’t want her to think I am criticising her daughter; I think it’s a situation beyond criticism, it’s not anyone’s fault, it’s something that needs help.

I’m not even sure I should have posted in this forum? Is there a better place on MN? I am not remotely qualified to wonder about SN issues. I don’t even know if her behaviour/emotional issues qualify as an SN issue?? Again, I hope I haven’t offended anyone. If there’s a better forum I will ask MN to move my post. X

It certainly sounds as though your god-daughter could do with an assessment of her needs.

I see school have approached your friend and she's been defensive and refused to listen to their concerns.

Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do if your friend has her head firmly wedged in the sand and refuses to acknowledge that her child is different to her peers and could do with some support which she is unable to give herself.

If you say anything, you risk alienating your friend, there's no easy way to approach anyone with that attitude.

All you can do is stay on the sidelines and be ready to pick up the pieces when things come to a head.. Her behaviour most likely isn't tantrums, it's caused by her being overwhelmed by a situation and not being able to cope with it. Do google the difference between tantrums and meltdowns, so you have a little more understanding about that facet of your goddaughter's behaviour.

Frequent meltdowns, overreaction to perceived criticism, anxiety, immaturity, communication difficulties and difficulties with transitions which are the terms for some of the things you've described in your post are all indicators for neurodiversity.

Your friend needs to see her GP with a comprehensive list of her daughter's differences and have a letter of support from school, then she needs to ask the GP to refer her child for an assessment. The NHS waiting times are around 18 months to 2 years in many areas, so she needs to get a move on if she's going to get anywhere before her daughter starts secondary school.

Hopefully she will realise soon that her daughter needs help and in the meantime you can read around some of the terminology and then support them both when that time comes.

You are a very kind and caring person to take the time to ask, I'm sorry I can't give you a more positive answer. It's beyond frustrating to be in your situation.

My goodness BlankTimes what an incredibly helpful and kind post, I didn’t expect anything so helpful, I was worried I would annoy people by rambling on so incoherently!! It’s the first time I’ve put any of my concerns into writing and I didn’t think it made much sense.

I know in my gut that you’re right about not approaching my friend.

It has helped, oddly, to put this into writing.

I hugely appreciate your advice and it helps to have someone so gently saying that the issues I mention are not just standard childhood ones. It all feels very very intense and different. I also appreciate your distinction between tantrums and meltdowns: I cannot tell you how helpful that reminder is, I always used to call my own childrens’ toddler ‘tantrums’ meltdowns instead because I KNEW they weren’t being ‘naughty’ or ‘badly behaved’, I knew they were overwhelmed and in meltdown. That’s what I see in my goddaughter.

Thank you thank you it has helped so much to write here and to read your post, even though I don’t think there is anything I can ‘do’ just support. Yes it is so frustrating as I just want to help and I can see it getting worse. My children are a similar age and close to her, they adore her but they have noticed the difficulties (indeed they are often on the receiving end) and are wary of ‘provoking’ her, I often say after we have seen them ‘oh, don’t you worry, that’s just the way she is, it’s nothing you’ve done’ as I can see they are often bewildered and sometimes worry they are in trouble for upsetting her. Is there anything else I can say to them or is ‘it’s just the way she is, it’s not your fault’ about right? It’s hard for them when they are on the receiving end of what looks and feels like aggressive and sometimes mean ‘behaviour’. They adore her though she is such a big hearted child.

Thank you so much again and I will follow your excellent advice.

@YoureBreakingMyHeartCecilia
Thank-you

I was the total opposite of your friend, I pointed out all my DD's differences to school, the GP and anyone I could think of from her missing many milestones as a baby all through primary school and was fobbed off by all professionals until she was aged 10 then given only minimal support, but oddly my circumstances were the same as your friend, a child who is very different to her peers and no idea how to deal with that or to help her. My DD is adult now, so please check on these boards for other questions similar to yours as the up-to-date procedures may be a little different now.

How is your god-child's academic performance at school? If she's needing support there, you could suggest to your friend that an EHCP would be a good thing to provide a support structure. I never even knew that existed, so can't advise, but there are lots of posters here who can, and lots of posts with EHCP in the title, so you can get an idea of whether that may be useful and be ready to give a few helpful hints if the opportunity arises.

If your friend continues to be hell-bent on not obtaining help for her daughter, (I'm guessing she wrongly thinks a diagnosis brings stigma) I wonder if she may be interested in the different way of parenting and communicating as outlined by Dr Ross Greene in his book The Explosive Child and his website 'Lives in the Balance' www.livesinthebalance.org/site-guide His work doesn't mention diagnosed conditions, it just looks at behaviour and suggests different ways of dealing with things in a way that will support the child. Again, have a look at it yourself and then if the opportunity arises, which I'm sure it will, then you can tell her that "while you were looking for something to help your children", you saw a method that seemed like a great way of showing support and kindness to a child with similar behaviour.

I think your explanation to your children is absolutely right for now.

Later, when it's acknowledged she is different, age-appropriate explanations for neurodiversity can be explained, e.g. all computers can do the same things but some work differently to others. Windows is the most used system but Mac is more rare and uses a different processor to get the same results. Different does not mean wrong.

Good luck with being a really supportive friend and I hope other knowledgeable posters will add to my comments here and give you more ideas and strategies.

Thanks so much again Blank and I hope very much that your now adult daughter received the help you both needed.

Interesting (though sad) to hear that you were fobbed off even though you were pushing for help. It may be that even if my friend were to ask for suppprt it would not be available though as I say I think the school would welcome more dialogue at least. I don’t know how far they are able to push/suggest/insist without parental consent and support.

Much great advice for me to pursue here so I feel like I am helping even if only a minimal
Amount.