We can no longer cope/help DD - what next?

[Anon4538]

Our DD (ASD) age 9, is beyond help and out of control. H and I obviously love her to pieces but can no longer cope and I feel suicidal.

What can we do now. We have CAMHS etc, but our Daughter just can’t cope. She says she wishes she was dead and blames me for various events of the past year - changes, bereavement, covid.

I can’t cope with the level of stress and anxiety I have - lots of other things going on with reliant family members I care for and losing loved ones within the past year. No support bubble now due to covid and DD not coping being around anyone other than us.

We just can’t go on like this and no strategies help. Meds may be considered in 6 months, but we can’t do this.

I mean we can’t carry on like this

H is v depressed too

I'm so sorry you are going through this .

If you are on Facebook there is a private group for SEND VCB parents run by Yvonne Newbold and it might be worth joining. There is lots of support and it is busier than these boards.

@Anon4538 This sounds really difficult. It sounds like you have really had a turbulent time. I am very sorry you have had bereavement also.
I have a son the same age, not ASD but another neurodevelopmental condition. When he is mega stressed/anxious i just remove all demands, just let him chill out. No school work, wear what he likes, fave food and activities, calm and quiet. It is almost a PDA type approach.
Another thing is that my son picks up massively on my emotional state. If I am stressed, he gets stressed. If I am angry or upset he mirrors those emotions.

If you have not already I would advise self-referring to social services.

They might be able to provide:

Parenting classes for managing a challenging child (somewhat to our surprise we did find this helpful).
Respite (ds2 goes to a Saturday social club) so only a small amount of hours but does make a difference.
Offer support in dealing with other agencies such as the LEA and CAMHS so that better educational support is put in place (a special school placement made a huge difference to ds1's behaviour at home). They can ignore a parent. They do not tend to ignore social services.
If you are thinking she might need residential school, either weekly or 24/7, then you would need social services support to get it. We seriously considered this for ds2 when he was at his worse but opted for a specialist day school instead but social services did recommend finding a provision that could offer full-time care and then go down from there if things improved.

The temptation when talking to the support services is to minimize difficulties but you have to be honest to get help and say that your family is not coping.