DS - ASD & ADHD frightening violent meltdowns

[TheElephantofDoubt]

DS is 11. He has ASD, ADHD, and possible brain damage from birth (his paediatrician thinks this could be part of the problem). He's on new ADHD meds to help but they're not kicking in yet.

His outbursts/meltdowns etc are getting more & more frightening. He kicks & punches DH, spits at DD (14), trashes the house, kicking over bins & smashing stuff. He's pulled over the Christmas tree & smashed ornaments. DD & I are getting really frightened. DH is just about coping but is getting hurt now, with bruises. We have to hide knives and things DS could use to cause more injury.

We're struggling to cope. His paediatrician listens but there's no respite care, no help at all. We home educate doing what we can with him. He couldn't handle school & school didn't want him anyway. We're trying to get an EHCP sorted atm for his long term help.

Christmas is looking even more bleak this year. He can't cope with anything. He's getting more and more angry & stressed. We're keeping things as low key and quiet as we always do and yet it's still too much for him.

It's all a nightmare and it's taking a big toll on DH's and my health as well as DD's.

Just needed to say this, really. I know there is no help out there & we just have to try & cope as best we can but it's so hard

Bless you

Sorting ds at the min but I’ll try come back later.

Have you contacted social services? If you haven’t (and I do understand most parents don’t want too - me included, but you need to and you need to ask for a carers assessment) it’s ok whoever saying there is no respite, but there is and unless you ask / beg or whatever it is that you have to do then they’ll leave you to it. Let them know you are on your knees.

Does your ds use a weighted blanket?

Have you watched any of Yvonne newbolds webinars? There are quite a few aimed at challenging behaviours. If you google her name her website will come up.

How far are you into the ehcp process?

I’m back ds has gone quiet for a min

A weighted blanket doesn’t help us btw but I know it can be useful for some children prone to outbursts.

Does your ds get plenty of exercise? Does he have the hyperactivity with his adhd? My ds does and he’s hell if he doesn’t get plenty of movement in a day, he has to go to the park or out on his trampoline or up and down the garden a thousand times on his scooter or for really long walks, he’s always on the move but his behaviour is so much worse when we’ve stayed in.

How long has he been on his medication? Has your consultant advised how long it should take to take effect?

Does he sleep?

Does he have sensory problems?

Sorry loads of questions! you probably haven’t got the energy to answer

i was just going to mention Yvonne Newbolds webinars too. They are really useful. Its hard to give any advice as its not clear what triggers the meltdowns.
But it might help you to hear that around 50% of children with SN have violent /challenging behaviour at some stage so you are not alone and its not your fault. Its just something a lot of people hide.

. Been there & had the bruises! Now at eighteen things are much calmer - infact I can't remember the last time I was hurt. What made the difference. In part just maturity (not a quick fix). In part reducing demands to an absolute minimum - there are very few things worth getting hurt over - this included taking ds2 out of school. In part, and this may seem very odd when some-one is attacking you, was the slow realisation was that the attacking was defensive rather than aggressive. So ds2 even though he was attacking was actually the one that felt the most threatened. So what we needed to do was reassure him that he was safe and give him space. It is worth saying though that ds2 just has an ASC without the complication of ADHD. It is also worth remembering to make sure basic needs are in place - ds2 was always a lot worse if he needed a drink (water I mean not alcohol) or was overly tired.

@TheElephantofDoubt Sending virtual hugs. 💐 I have been there. It is very very hard.
We had hugely violent meltdowns here. My son now has a diagnosis and with that diagnosis we altered strategies. The difference between my son age 5-7 and now age 9 nearly 10 is huge.
My son finds change really hard too. We home edded also up to this year. Now my son has an EHC and is slowly transitioning to a wonderful education provision.
Does your son have a calming 'safe space' he can retreat to if feeling overwhelmed? My son designed a space on the lower bunk bed he has with soft blankets, cushions, low level lighting etc. This has been a game changer here.
What seems to trigger your son? When he is triggered how do you respond? Are you able to step back and walk away at the earliest sign if aggression? This may help to avoid an escalation. My son reacts aggressively if shouted at.
I found the best strategy is the 'low arousal approach'. Check this out at studio3. There is lots of online advice here and a brilliant set of free videos you can access.

I can relate to this with my daughter (9). You say you are applying for an EHCP- have you also applied for Disability Living Allowance (DLA)? I have been turned down for a disability social worker despite recommendations and referrals from Local SEN team, Ed psych and CAMHS. I got awarded DLA for my daughter and going to use it to pay for CBT and Art therapy to help with emotional dys-regulation. I shouldn’t have to, to be honest but at least it’s still being paid for by the government in a round about way. I second Yvonne Newbold and a minimal demand approach where possible.

Our DD age 9 (ASD) sounds exactly the same as your Son OP. It’s so hard now.

We've experienced all of this and are finally getting proper help from Social Services. They didn't believe us for years because DD is charming and quiet and good when people come to the house, but a banshee the minute they've gone, so I started videoing her meltdowns, photographing our injuries. I quickly built up quite an album and that made them take us seriously.

Good luck

Ok- had the same issue with one of my DC's.

It's tricky now because of lockdown. But Art Therapy and Special needs Yoga (outsourced privately) has been the making for my boy, it has enabled him to self regulate independently, something I didn't think could be achieved.

Please also seek respite and ask for a carers assessment, you also need to take care of yourself.