Struggling with partner and asd/adhd child

[mia1972]

I don't know if anyone has similar problems on here.
I have an 8 year old child with asd and adhd and the arguments with my partner tend to escalated and always have done. It's hard as you have to take my son in the right way and he will behave well but facing very strict and authoritarian parenting he enters almost a pathological demand avoidance attitude.
His behaviour at school is very much under control but at home it can be horrendous and I am sometimes wondering if those two are actually suited living together? I know it sounds extreme and they do love each other, but there are instances where it gets very volatile and the dad doesn't seem to understand how he triggers the boy. I do wonder if the dad is on the spectrum too, he is neurodiverse (severe dyslexia adhd and ocd) and going through depression.
I am the sole breadwinner int he family and have a younger child too.
I am sometimes thinking that my son needs a lower demand environment where he can be calm, and my partner is very fiery. But the thought of separating with all that that involves - don't know what to do. I could put myself in an even worse situation, I don't have the confidence to make that decision. But i am terrified of the teenage years. Worth mentioning that the relationship is very much in crisis but trying to put the kids first.

There has to be agreed rules and boundaries with clear expectations. De escalation is always better and if that means your partner changes his behaviour and expectations or has to move out then so be it. If your partner was his key worker/ teacher and caused unwanted behaviour/ violence and anxiety for your child you would want that person removed or the techniques changed. The longer this continues the more the behaviour become rooted. I know it’s all easier said than done but this cannot continue.

Thank you boulshire, I appreciate your response. Your point about boundaries and expectations is really important - and I think i probably need to have them not just with my son but also with my partner. It's very hard because my partner is quite obviously depressed which does help in this picture. I have been trying to patch things up and am constantly diffusing the situation. But it feels really such a hard task when he doesn't seem to understand the consequences of his behaviour or at least not when he is in 'the moment'. I get criticised for interfering when he deals with his kids.

My partner and son really don't get on. They are both on the autistic spectrum and too similar but also so different. DP made it clear from the beginning that as babies he didn't want to be involved - according to him - it s a mothers job so until they were about 4 he did nothing. I think some if it was the way he was brought up and some of it is just he was plain scared. He mow has a fantastic relationship with my DD and this early loss of interest didn't affect her but my son has never really wanted anything to do with him and my partner doesn't really pay him any attention so DS plays up to get his attention. Also due to his autism my sons hobbies and interests are quite bizarre and my DP thinks they should not be indulged. We get by but we can't do family days out because they just end up arguing. My DP does try but he is very 2 dimensional in only trying to involve him in things he likes -football and fishing - but when I say maybe try and involve him and do something with him he likes he says that children should not be indulged and he is the adult. I honestly think their relationship is now unrepairable. He often talks about leaving but he and my DD have such a great relationship she would be distraught. DP will not respect him until DS shows him respect. They are like a couple of toddlers sometimes!!!!!

novaparty - my partner also gets on well with our daughter which is why I am so unsure of what to do. He does get involved with my son and wants to do things with him, he just simply does not have the patience of inclination to deal with how my son is. So it's lots of clashes and, because if his depression and maybe undiagnosed other issues. he can lash out and that is having a really detrimental effect on my son's development. But it's not easy. It sounds like you and your partner are at least getting on?

I'm going to say this as a mum who lived with very difficult men and struggled for years - don't struggle, separate and leave.
You could waste 20 years in that marriage and eventually will leave out of desperation and exhaustion.
If the marriage is making your life so hard, plan to leave now.

My insight as a child living with a mother with depression. I eventually came to a understanding at the fact that my teenage years were a complete shit show that impacted my early adult years and I stopped blaming her. I found it much more difficult to forgive my father who stood by while it happened. This was as a child with no additional needs. He gets help and recognises he pours fuel on the fires instead of putting them out.

One of the reasons I ended my marriage was because of how DH was with asd DS. He was 11 then, it had got worse and worse (he's nearly 13 now). It has been very, very tough and has destabilised DS. It also means DH now has him on his own half the time (unforeseen!) which DS really struggles with. I'd say it's harder for DS now. Having an ASD child will also make any new relationship tough...

However, every relationship is different and I'm certainly not saying don't do it. Wild horses couldn't have made me stay with DH! Maybe things would have been tougher if I had. Having a child with ASD is very very hard whatever you do.

I’m having similar problems too. My ds (14) cannot be with his dad or his sister for even a moment without something breaking out. They both absolutely hate ds now and can not tolerate any of his behaviour. To be fair, he is very difficult to tolerate and is also now purposely trying to wind them both up as relationships have got so bad. They get very angry with him very quickly too and it all goes horribly wrong.
The only option I see is to be the peacekeeper and keep ds out of their way by taking him off mostly to watch films (his latest obsession). Dh and did are constantly angry with me for pandering to him. But if I do t do this, things turn very nasty, very quickly. Earlier this week I left the room for less than 10 minutes and came back to a scene of devastation where ds had got so angry that he smashed a jug and a glass and also threw a jar of mayonnaise across the room which smashed and splattered all over the sofa and ruined it. I spent the next few hours tidying up and trying to calm ds down. Dh just disappeared somewhere.
Three weeks of Christmas holiday are going to be absolutely unbearable and definitely dangerous. I’m sorry I haven’t got any advice, just the cold comfort that you’re not alone in this experience.

Hey, aah such a hard situation. Like others have said just have a re think of boundaries for your boy as well as your OH. Definitely have a think about your needs and wants too, i know it seems impossible. I agree with OP about calming the situation before it ends. I also agree with you that he needs a calm environment, my OH was the same and nit picked every thing our boy (asd) did, after years he's calmed down. Wishing you all the best xx

I think lots of families with nd kids go through this. I'm trying to get dh to do the incredible years programme but he pulled out after couple of weeks. So I'm implimenting some structure and rules at the.moment from the programme.

First thing is praise. Lots and lots of praise for kids (and dh) when they do anything remotely positive or even just sitting quietly (I have a fridge full of positive sentences). And I keep saying "dh isnt x being fabulous" very ott but dh has started joining in the praise.

10 mins play. So dh has to spend 10min with child doing something so board games are popular in my house so I stay around to referee.

We created house rules together which we put on the wall:
No shouting or unkind hands or feet
No swearing
No throwing
Etc

We also have consequences list so my youngest throws - if he throws he goes for some calm time (5 mins max) which is a corner with fidget toys and big teddy. If he breaks anything he pays out of his pocket money and loses ipad for a day.

I'm trying to teach dh to ignore the small stuff like whining and moaning and if DC escalate then take them calmly to chill out spot.

Its encouraging him as well as the kids to recognise then they are cross and walk away to calm down as they are all fiery.

Dh is finding set rules and structure really useful. Plus kids seem much less anxious as there are set steps. When they come out of chill out time we just give them lots of praise for calming down and re hashing what happened would just trigger DC again

Thank you so much ladies for your answers. There is some seriously good advice here. I will need to do a deep self analysis over Christmas and work out if it's possible - how it would be possible and if i can live with sharing the childcare with him given that I think he would struggle on his own. Getting into a fight regarding custody would be a disaster and would completely alienate his family as well and I don't have family around here.

@Boulshired I hear you, I do wonder if the damage is going to be so long lasting and that I will be responsible and colluding because I did not have enough strength to leave

@cheeseburger100 that is exactly my main worry, if we were to split he would most definitely try and get 50% and he will be unsupervised on his own. And whilst he has so many good things as a parent, his lack of understanding is very damaging.

@Breakingplaid, I am so sorry to hear what is going on, it's not easy for you. I also worry my house will have continuous scenes of devastation if I keep being here during my son's teenage years (he is 8 now and the problems are getting worse)

@madcatladyforever , yes I am seriously starting to think this is not for me any longer, but having the courage is another thing, you words are very powerful

@mummax3 sounds like you have been able to ride it and things have calmed down for you, that is amazing well done.

@Waveysnail thanks really good advice. We did the 'positive parenting course' in theory he agrees on all the principles but in practice it's another story, ee can't see the consequences of his behaviour and what happens is always someone's else's fault :-(

You need to stop making excuses for your dh.

He’s an adult, not a child. If it’s too much for him to cope with he needs to say so and walk away for a bit.

I’m an adult. I have severe adhd. And a tone of physical disabilities. And severe anxiety and ptsd. Both my children have adhd asc pda and severe anxiety. They are children. I have to suck it up and be the adult. If I am at cracking point I tell dh and he takes over. If that wasn’t possible I’d need to seek help from ss I presume, but either way adults can be responsible for our behaviour even when we have our own disabilities to contend with. Children are way more vulnerable and shouldn’t be expected to put up with harm, even if unintentional.