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Suspected abuse of asd child in bf family

2 replies

Helpneededbyanoutsider · 05/12/2020 05:02

Hi, this is going to be a long and disturbing story until I get to what my questions are. I’m going to go ahead and start at the beginning.

Myself and my boyfriend (20 and 21) met a couple years ago online and have had a good relationship ever since. When I first met him he lived with his mum, stepdad and their 3 children together (so his 3 half siblings). Not long into the relationship he moved out to live on his own. this alongside long term mental unstableness (on his mother’s end!) led to a breakdown of his and his mother’s relationship. She even has forbidden any kind of contact between him and any of her children, herself or her partner.
I come from a very straight forward family of mum, dad, sister and we all get along just fine and always have- so this alone was baffling to me.
Come to learn his mother didn’t raise him- actually abandoned him at 2 and his dad had custody.

For over a year of us being together, he told me horror stories of his upbringing, everything from his father beating him to his father’s girlfriend not feeding him as a child. For some context his father and the girlfriend are no longer together and have no contact. His father has also been a raging alcoholic since he was 8 years old- his father not my boyfriend (As in a child was addicted to alcohol in primary school).
He hadn’t had contact with his father after an incident in which his father phoned the police on him after they had an argument accusing my boyfriend of beating him. The claims never went past enquires but my boyfriend decided he was done with his life there after that. At 16 he went through the social workers to find his mother, leading us back full circle to the point where I met him.

For a good few months he lived with no family at all and for a young adult that was understandably horrible. We even took a break for him to clear his head. Then he reconnected with one of his cousins on his dads side through Facebook messenger- they are older then him by about 10 years so they looked out for him a lot growing up and they never really had any issues. Let’s call this cousin Steve.
Steve has a younger brother, so also my bfs cousin that I’ll call Oscar. I had been told that Oscar used to sexually abuse my bf as a child for as young as he can remember up until around pre teen years. He told his dad multiple times however wasn’t believed and was beaten for accusing Oscar.
When my bf reconnected with Steve he eventually went back down to where they grew up as Steve still lives there. In fact he lives with their shared nan (bfs dad’s mum). One time when he went to meet Steve at his house his dad happened to be there- visiting his mum. This led to an emotional reunion and they patched up their relationship rather quickly.

Due to long term (40 years) of alcoholism and other poor choices his dad can longer walk, soils himself regularly, has poor eye sight, shakes all over and has generally slow mind and is almost childlike. Just before the most recent lockdown (November 2020) his dad went into hospital for throwing up blood. After a surgery and brief stay, the hospital wanted to put him in a home as his care needs are too high for him to live independently again. My bf having just gained his father back after thinking he’ll never have a relationship with him again, agreed to look after him and signed the discharge papers to take responsibility for his care. He has been living in the flat there ever since. There is some hope that his father will walk again with physio now he is sober- if he stays that way obviously.

Going back to Oscar now, I’ve met him briefly once (acknowledged each other and that’s it). I being a childcare professional and safeguarding trained, can’t help but feel disgust at the thought of him and what he did to him as a child. Even more worryingly so he has sole custody! Of his 3 year old son that I shall name Will. He gained this custody after the mother ran off - the courts found that she had done the same with multiple other children, all different fathers. Apparently Oscar has other children around 3 but only sees and provides for Will. Will very clearly has complex autism spectrum disorder. He doesn’t speak, make eye contact, panics at sounds and changes of textures etc. From my knowledge this is obviousASD. Now he is 3 he attends a nursery that has filed a educational, health and care plan for him. What is worrying for me is that my bf tells me that Oscar neglects Will and always has. As an infant being sat facing the tv in a high chair watching Oscar play graphic video games (gta, resident evil etc), not being washed properly, having smelly and clothes too small, not fed, talked to, taken out etc.Oscar apparently has a gambling addiction to apps that takes all their money.

In short I am worried about Will and see Oscar as an immense sexual threat, made worse by the fact Will is non verbal so would be helpless to even disclose abuse. But with no evidence there’s literally nothing I or my bf can do.

Tonight my bf had Oscar and Will over for dinner and Will stayed the night. This to me is bizarre, my bf and Oscar aren’t that close. Why allow your child to stay somewhere else so easily (he’s never slept over anywhere else before) ? My bf offered to let him stay as he had fallen asleep and frankly he feels he could look after him better than Oscar (although that’s not his place). Will has always had broken sleep and by 2am was awake again. My bf sent me a message at about 3 saying that he had just fed and showered him and they’re now watching peppa pig together.

Maybe it’s because I’m an outsider and my family experiences are so different but I honestly am baffled by this whole thing. Why would my bf offer a meal to Oscar after what he did to him? Why do him any favours in looking after Will? In both our views he would’ve been better off being taken away and adopted, we ourselves might step up and formally adopt. Why offer Will to stay when it’s a one bedroom flat and he’s been living on a sofa for over a month.
For some more context, After taking on the caring responsibilities of his father, my bf has openly admitted many times that he regrets it and is not coping, is in over his head and I can really see the all over strain it’s put on him. Why offer to have Will on top of all that?

Do any of you have any suggestions of what I or my bf can do to help Will? Or general suggestions of what to do?
Thanks for reading I know it’s very long,

Help needed by an outsider.

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Helpneededbyanoutsider · 05/12/2020 05:09

I’ve been trying to sleep for hours and just needed to vent honestly, thanks for reading if anyone does.
At this point I feel like anominously reporting Oscar of neglect to at least point the eyes of social care onto him. Surely the nursery will have noticed the unwashed clothes and child. Outgrown clothes etc?

Makes me honestly feel horrible knowing my bf is down there feeling unhappy and a little boy is at risk and there’s nothing I can do. In a perfect world my bf’s father would get a carer, Oscar would sign Will over and we can just never go back down there with them people ever again.

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chickenyhead · 05/12/2020 05:22

At present you have limited evidence, beyond what your bf has told you. Given the family background, this is difficult.

In order to protect Will, would your be consider going to the police about the sexual abuse he has suffered by Oscar?

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