Hit rock bottom

[FenellaMaxwell]

We’re still waiting on a diagnosis for DS (3.9). He’s non-verbal and whilst he used to be so affectionate and expressive in other ways, he’s becoming increasingly violent and angry, not sleeping, pulling away from any attempts at cuddles, biting, hair pulling - it’s like he’s had a sudden personality transplant in the last 2 weeks and I just can’t cope anymore. He’s tall for his age and strong, and I’m covered in scratches and bite marks and I just want to run away. I feel like I’m the worst mum in history and I don’t think I can do this. I’m letting him down.

I don't really have anything useful to add but just wanted to let you know you are not alone. My little boy isn't yet diagnosed (all signs point towards asd) but the lashing out and aggression are getting worse, and honestly I just feel so bleak some days. I hope you are having a better day today and hopefully someone will be along soon with some wise words for us both

No wise words, but a very un Mumsnetty hug

Thank you @Bingalingo - it does help and I’m sorry you are in the same boat. This is so hard, isn’t it?

Thanks @Snowdrop30 - really needed that!

You're most certainly not letting him down. It's so tough what you're dealing with and it's a massive learning curve! Let's be honest the support just isn't available which doesn't help. Be kind to yourself.

My son is 11 and non verbal. The communication related frustration which leads to aggression is definitely the worst part. It's not fun at all. Implementing other communication methods have certainly helped ds to communicate which has massively reduced his aggression but it still occurs. He's 5ft 2 and is capable of beating the living daylights out of me, it terrifies me for the future but i take comfort in the fact it has improved a lot from where we where a few years ago and keep pushing to improve his communication further.

My ds had a couple of biting periods, at 18 months and again at about 27 months so a bit younger than your ds. I would have bruises from the biting and pinching up my arms, dh too. For him it was his way of expressing his frustration at wanting to do things he couldn’t and not wanting to do things he needed to (like nappy changes!). It did pass, thankfully. At nearly 7 he still has periods where he becomes physical when he doesn’t get his own way and reaches crisis point but it’s not all the time thank goodness. Being non-verbal (which my ds isn’t) probably means your ds feels a lot of frustration. Does he use PECS or makaton or an AAC type device? Is he getting any SALT or OT input?

Hang in there, it is very likely to pass. You’re not failing him, you’re doing your best. They say that when your child is behaving the most awful is when they need you the most. Try to be calm, firm and consistent and try as much as you can to see things from his perspective.

Do you have a dp so you are able to get some time alone to recharge?

Hi frnella really sorry to hear things so tough. My DS is 6 and has a different profile but do you have any gut feelings about triggers for the sudden change two weeks ago? I find when sleep goes, it knocks on negatively to everything else. Many parents found their children's sleep worsened during the first lockdown. If your DS needs lots of physical activity, can you prioritise getting him
Out to the playground lots?

Do you have any sensory strategies that help him eg deep pressure, mini trampoline, stretchy sack?

Recently we bought a Cosy Cave mini dark tent, about £45, and we put DS in there with a cushion and a UV light, which he loves.

OP - The mere fact you’re writing this and are concerned shows that you’re a great mum. Just keep doing what you are doing.

If its like a sudden personality change have you done things like check his teeth, temperature, limbs for signs of illness or injury. Sort of looked for things that might be causing pain?

I only mention this as my child is 'violent and challenging' and i went on a course for parents. They talked about 'overshadowing' where the big thing, in our families case, asd sort of overshadows other medical reasons for unsettled behavior. Our son needed a tooth out. He did show us in his own way but it took a bit longer for us to understand than it should have.

Otherwise hang in. We all have bad days and pp has lots of good suggestions.