Have you told your child they are autistic? If not, why not? If so, how did you decide when was the right time?

[MyTwopenceworth]

Ds2 (7) is blissfully unaware, so not an issue, but ds1 - aged 8 - is more aware of his peers and more influenced by them. He has not really indicated that he notices how different he is, he hasn't tried to ask anything. I know he gets frustrated when he can't do something. You have to take a lot of time to make sure he understands stuff.

The thing is, should we tell him he has autism? Would he be able to understand that? Would there be a point? Would it just upset and confuse him? When do you try to explain why things are different?

I have some good books..

My brother has autism
I have autism

They are good, they are simple, do I begin to read them with him?

OTOH, he works hard to be like the other kids (he's in mainstream with full time 1:1) and do we really want to start telling him he's different? dh says we don't want to start telling him there's something wrong with him. There's nothing wrong with him, he just has autism - but would he FEEL there was something wrong with him?

Does he need to know? He hasn't asked. Should we just keep the books to one side until he does?

(I will lurk on this as I have always wondered if I should tell dd she has cp)

we've disclosed, actually no, he was there for the dx and we've never been anything other than open. Wouldn't suit our hippy laid back aprenting style LOL (actually with discipine I'm a hard bitch but everything else I lentil weave on).

I ahve traits- possibly more- and grew up well aware I was not quite like my peers. I was bullied to an extent although i am somewhat unbulliable (I tkae it to a certain level then just piss off and leave them to it- am in a similar situation at Uni right now actually). But if elt different and blamed myself a lot, and went on to have ,marked issues with eating disorders etc. Clearly thats not what we want for ds1.

DS1 does haev input at school as well- and as a bright chap would have noticed a differene in that others don't.

Most of all though I dont want him to feel he is abd, just programmed differently. Seems to be working OK so far I think

DS3 is another story- we're slightly dubious about what his dx is but he is disabled but he doesn't understand enough to attempt it.

I told ds1(7) fairly recently. He was starting to get really down about the things that he couldn't do as well as the other children in his class (mainly related to fine motor skills and co-ordination). He was also finding the attitudes of his classmates very confusing. He didn't understand why they had very different interests to him. He didn't come right out and ask "Why am I different?" but made lots of comments about things that he just didn't understand.

I was surprised at how well he took the news that he has ASD. He just seemed to be so relieved that there was a reason why other people seemed to be so different to him. His self-confidence also increased. Telling ds1 has been a positive thing.

Ds2 (4) still doesn't know that he has ASD. I've spoken about it in front of him but it hasn't really registered with him yet. I suspect things may change in a couple of years though but have no idea how he will react.

Not at the moment as such. Mainly because his understanding of things is very much limited to nouns and usually seeing the nouns or seeing something in front of him. So he couldn't understand a question like "what do we use to draw?" but he could understand "which is the crayon?". So telling him about autism is something that I really don't think he could completely take in as part of a conversation. I have said to him that he does things differently to other people and that he thinks in different ways to other people because of autism and that he has difficulties because of it but he can also do things because of it. This is because whilst I am pretty sure he hasn't got the understanding yet, if he's like me he'll have an excellent long term memory and when he does remember and realise about when he was four and a bit he'll remember that it was talked of as a matter of course and not hidden away from him.
When he gets older I hope I can sit him down and explain it to him properly, but in the meantime all I can do is hope it's getting through to him.

This is a very timely topic for me as I have been wondering what to do about my DD1. She was diagnosed with PDD-NOS last year. She is in a mainstream school with no additional support other than a regularly updated IEP.

Her special needs are relatively mild. She sometimes gets frustrated with herself as she can get very muddled, especially in noisy situations at school. She also finds it extremely hard to sleep. I have held back to date on saying, "It's because you have PDD-NOS". I have explained to her that everyone is different and that some of the things her classmates find hard she finds easy and vice versa. We've also talked about how her brain is harder to calm down than other people's but I've made sure to reinforce the fact that it's still a fabulous little brain!

I'm still not sure how to proceed. To be honest, it's hard to get her to concentrate long enough to explain things properly.
I am hoping that perhaps by next year she will be more receptive.

Patsy

So the best thing is to wait until he asks "what is wrong with me" or something to that effect?

I mean, we talk about autism in front of him, we don't hide anything, but we haven't sat him down and tried to show him pictures or a story and said this is you.

I suppose it's like anything, is it? If they ask the question, they're ready to hear the answer. ??

I just don't want to do the wrong thing. ds2 woudn't understand, so nothing to debate there, but dh is convinced ds1 doesn't need to be sat down and told, iyswim.

I would try to anticipate the wuestion coming- DS1 internalises concern, by the time he asks its been bugging him for quite a while.

No i havent, Ds2 is non verbal and Autistic and wouldnt understand if i told him. Ds1 has adhd and doesnt know he has adhd he knows he has to take tablets but he has never asked why. And i dont think hes noticed hes any differerent from anyone else yet. I dont want to tell him yet. I dont want him to start worrying or to start feeling the odd one out. Im going to tell him when he starts asking questions.

We told ds1 (8) last week and after building myself up to this momentous moment it hardly registered really. I was leading up to it gradually and he kept going off on a tangent about things. Then I said that he had autism and the only thing he asked was if it was his fault which seemed really normal. I went into a load of reassuring stuff but he kind of switched off as he stops listening if he doesn't understnad something. So not sure if he really does 'know' properly.

Decided to tell him mainly because the teacher wants to explain to his class who comprise P4-P7 and felt it would be unfair if he didn't know himself. Also dd (5) asks a lot although not acutally had a chance to explain to her. He has started talking about his feeling but not yet questioning "why" he does these things so maybe we did it too early and will need another talk in a year or too. Just follow their cues I'd say, depends on their level of understanding.

Sorry about all the typos!

I don't know if this is remotely helpful, I feel a bit intrusive posting here because it's so minor, but ds was recently diagnosed with an auditory processing disorder at the age of 12. It's a bit more complex than that, but that's the ist of it. Anyway, he was over the moon- for him, knowing that his problems and differences from other children had a name made a huge difference to his confidence. I was pussy-footing around it of course but he saw through it immediately.

Remove all thoughts of being intrusive. Banish them! Your contribution is valuable and valued.

Thanks to everyone for their input. All appreciated.

This is a big thing for a lot of us, isn't it? Well, don't know if 'big thing' is the right phrase, but certainly something to face that takes a heck of thinking through!

I would love a book to read with my DD to open up the possibility of a conversation about her diagnosis. However, because she only has some of the 'building blocks' of autism (as I understand it) I'm not sure whether any of the books available would be relevant to her. I did ask at her assessment and was told that books for gifted children would be the only option - I still don't understand why that would be!

A friend of mine is an ed psych so I think that I'll consult with him and pass on any useful comments here.

Patsy x

Oh thank you M2PW, that's so nice of you.

I know I don't have any direct experience, but I think it would be best to tell him. He might never ask what is "wrong" with him - having a name for it, a REASON for being like it could answer so many questions and make him realise he's not a freak or broken (probably the wrong words there, but do you know what I mean?).

DSis spent 27 years thinking it was just her, we all thought that she had less sociable personality quirks - then we discovered AS and so many things slotted into place.

It does help having a name for it.