Is lingle around?

[Landladymews2]

Hi I was wondering if she is still around as o wanted to ask her about her DS1 and his receptive language delay. I hope she’s still around!

Yes. That kind of processing disorder need not to hold him back. I was able to use photographs with my son. Other children need more abstract visual aids – I forget what they’re called now.

I’m a lawyer. My processing disorder is such that I wouldn’t be able to be a barrister. This is because in an advocacy situation you may need to hold three or four points that your opponent has just made orally in your head and then reply to each of them in turn without writing them down. I can’t do that.I have however been a very successful partner in a law firm and am about to set up my own law firm. I structure my processing using writing, graphs, diagrams and as I have become more senior surrounding myself with people who have very different profiles to mine.

Can you say a bit more about what is making you feel you are in a dark place?

I hate to say this and I feel like an awful mother but I do compare my son to his peers. I am also concerned about his education. If he doesn't catch up this year , what does the future hold. I feel like time is running out. He is great academically. Better than his age. Something all therapists and his nursery agree on. But language is such an important part of our world. His Being behind scares me.

it’s good to acknowledge the fear.

use visuals, bring warmth and love into each interaction with as much joy as possible.

seek out low-stakes situations for his socialising so it’s not just about his classroom peers.

Thanks.
Can you guide me on what those socialising situations could be. Today I took my son to a bday party and he was completely out of place. Normally he would greetings people with a hi and bye but he was reluctant to do so here
A boy took his toys and he was just interested in getting them back.
He was ok with adults. He could just play besides them.
How to give him the right opportunities to socialise.

Any siblings?
cousins?
neighbours?

A typical example would be you befriend someone. That person happens to have a child – they don’t need to be at the same age. You come up with some reason for friend to come to your house just for half an hour. Can you give the two children a single bowl of popcorn to share. Ideally whilst watching the same TV programme. You don’t push it – you let the child have the same kind of minor interactions that we all used to have when we played out on the streets. These minor interactions are often better than organised events. But secretly behind-the-scenes it’s like a war because you have to overcome your own introvert characteristics and find ways to do favours for people and befriend people… You have to manufacture these tiny interactions that used to happen automatically in our grandparents generation

Wooh.. I never thought about it like that. We do live in a tight knit community. I can manage that with some difficulty ofcourse ( I am also quote am introvert). I was always focussed on organizing structured play dates. I thought those would help him adjust in school environment better. They have been a disaster.
My son doesn't like them very much. There is another thing with him. Nursery says he participates in activities in smaller groups, avoids larger groups.
And he does like older kids. Wants to play their games rather than what his peers play.

Exclusive Peer to peer is unnatural, tagging along after older kids/being tolerated by them with the ability to return home when it goes wrong is much better.

we have a back lane and that was the absolute saving grace for us. Also, the other kids had childminders looking after them so I got free “aunties” - older women who’d seen it all and weren’t fazed…. They had no skin in the game as their own kids were teenagers… the playground mum thing can be tough. That said, put on your big girl pants and do something for the PTA….

So I tried the nudge based socialisation a bit. My son did play alongside another girl doing teh same thing she was doing. But he again got out of there once a lot of other children joined in.
He had taken a soft toy and was feeding it with a spoon away from the crowd. I thought at 4, he is too old to do that sort of a thing. He has just started doing it. I see 2 year olds doing that.

Great!

1. ok so he prefers 1-to-1. So calibrate your efforts accordingly. 1-to-1 encouters might last 5 minutes. 1-to-2 is going to be lots harder and don't expect anything much in crowds right now...
2. Re "He had taken a soft toy and was feeding it with a spoon away from the crowd": bloody hell of course he isn't too old! It's fantastic that he's starting to do that!

My kids never pretended to feed toys, I'm a bit jealous. If 2-year-olds do it, give him some time with 2-year-olds....

Don't mix up "is he progressing through stages?" (a 100% good thing) with "will this behaviour make him look uncool" (a totally different issue).

... maybe think about how you feel on the school playground waiting for collection? Some encounters go well but if they carry on too long some kind of jeapardy arises and you quickly feign an excuse and leave. Just occasionally you have a meaningful chat for 5 mins.

I think their world is a bit like that.

Yes. On 1-1 interactions. I have a direction now. I know where to put efforts. I feel he will respond. The school playground example is apt for his situation. Pre-schoolers don't have the maturity to feign an excuse so avoiding would be the only reaction in situations they are not comfortable.

We had a good playdate today. Just like y @lingle suggested. Lots of subtle nudges, organic interactions. My DS happily did parallel play with the older boy we went to play with. He would do what he was doing albeit with a little delay. And ofcourse would fight with him for toys which is I think was ok.
But I did get wierd looks from folks there. My son does have visual seeking behaviour. Some of them classic ASD traits. But no diagnosis as such. He also hums to himself(always loved music though he doesn't sing as much) I did feel the need to explain but held myself back.
At one point his playmate asked me about his behaviour which I ignored 😕 ahh these situations are tough for me.

Cool!
every time you get a weird look and make no explanation imagine getting a cheer from us xxx

What is visual seeking behaviour btw?

Actually if it’s the child who is asking, then it might be good to have some kind replies ready - remember though you are always team ds. Model therespect you want others to have for him.

“ahh these situations are tough for me.”

eyes on the prize, eyes on the prize xxx

He used to look at objects from up close. He doesn't do that anymore. But he does this wierd thing. Making ok sign with fingers. Can call it finger posturing.

I got really upset when I realised Ds2 was looking out of the corner of his eyes….. It gets to you which is why the support here was so important.

Tough week ladies.
Another therapist at my son's school assessed him and told me I give him too much credit for receptive language.
He doesn't understand a great deal.
Apparently DS didn't follow any of her instructions(I know he could have followed some of them but chose not to) but she said he doesn't understand prepositions and pronouns and that is really bad.
His attention span is not great either(I knew that but it got to me).
His vocabulary really needs to be built across.
He isn't doing great in group play at school and I am starting a visual time table.
So we are charting out a new home plan.

But in other good news.
DS is showing a lot more interest in peers. Asked an older girl "come, let's play" and proceeded to play with her.
Played throw and catch ball game with a peer for more than 5 min. Win there.

He is also finally using the bathroom for peeing atleast.

Husband and in laws are as usual not showing any signs of supporting me. So here I am. Please cheer for me.

Sounds tough.

i think the professionals strip away context to do their observations. So the child’s experience at home will always be richer.

What is your husband saying?

My husband. There another delayed child in his extended family. They were similar to DS. They had very slow progress in language acquisition, similar behaviours but no other issues. It is now very clear that they were just delayed. They got there on their own. So he thinks I am just too worried for my own good.

…. that person may have had a mother supporting them to that good outcome….