My DS has his assessment with the child psychologist tomorrow, and I'm suddenly feeling all wobbly.

[Pinkchampagne]

I know we need to get on with this assessment process, and I have been chasing it up, so it is good that things are now moving, but I am feeling all wobbly all of a sudden.
I know I am going to have to start facing up to the fact he has big problems, which I have spent years fighting against in a state of denial.

As he is getting older, his differences are becoming more & more obvious, and I know I need to prepare myself for the worse.

Feeling so churned up about tomorrow, and don't know how I'm going to stop myself getting silly & emotional.

You didn't anoy me in the slightest. I just didn't know that if your ds didn't appear to have any sort of an imagination (or at least one that wasn't noticeable to an outsider) then you might not know about the imagination situation. But you do .

We're now back from the appointment, and I am not going back to work this afternoon, as DS has gone very pale & is complaining of feeling unwell.
I found it all really tough going, and we have to go back next week to start the tests.

I hope it was ok for you pc.and your ds.
what they are assessing for?

Best wishes to both of you. Hope he feels better soon.

Thank you.

He was originally referred for dyspraxic tendencies, but ASD was mentioned loads today, alongside possible depression on top, which was more upsetting to hear than any possible difficulties he may have.

we go back next week to start the tests. She said that I will need to help with the these as he is going to be a difficult child to test.

Hugs to you PC.

You are on a few separate hard journeys atm, aren't you?

Well done for starting on this one....just keep fixing your focus on 'this is all about getting some understanding of and help for DS's difficulties'.

And, you know, i don't think you have been indenial. You certainly haven't buried your head in the sand. Since you first started posting about the other difficulties on your life, your concern over DS and the way then H reacted to meetings with SENCO and his behaviour at school was always central. And you have always, always, put DS foremost on your concern. And battled against others who realy did want to brush it all aside - your Mum and exH. It is wholly down to you that DS1 has the suppoort and sympathy that he has. You are a strong and wonderful Mummy.

That won't stop it feeling so heartbreaking - i would have been upset at the depression, too.

XXXXXXXXXX

best wishes to you and DS. can't offer any practical advice, as not got to the referral stage yet with DS. Sorry the appointment was so gruelling. It seems good though that the investigation/follow up seems to be happening pretty quickly. I hope that once you have some answers, and DS understands better why he finds certain situations difficult etc, that will help with any low mood.

Thanks Blu.

It was hard. I hate having to discuss DS with him sitting there taking it all in. The school have mentioned self esteem problems, which I have also noticed, so hate him having to listen while we are discussing him.
He went pale while in the room, and I asked his dad to take him out.

She asked about the reasons for the break down of our marriage also, and whether we had very different parenting styles.

School have described him as a child who rarely appears happy, and they question possible depression, which hit me hard, as I too have questioned this, but it is the hardest thing. I hate to think of DS as depressed.
He will have a separate test for depression issues.

How was it having exH there? It sounds as if he was ok and helpful.

Were you able to explain the anger and 'regimes' that exH put DS1's way?

Thanks, TotalChaos - I hope all goes well for your DS.

One thing that suprised both the psychologist & myself, was that school have marked him down as a 0 for empathy, and DS is a very caring little boy.

It was hard when she asked about reasons for marriage breakdown, while he was in the room.

When she asked about parenting teqniques, he said "Well she will go on and on at them & get nowhere, so I would step in & shout, and probably scare them, and they would do as they were told"
She just kind of looked at him.

I would never stop ex H coming along with us to these appointments though, as I feel it is important he is involved in this too.
We have about 6 further sessions to follow, one of which is for ex H & myself to attend without DS.

I imagine your H's comments re:discipline would have helped the psych read between the lines as to reasons for the marriage breakdown!

In terms of school and empathy - I wonder whether they are using empathy in a rather technical sense - i.e. looking at empathy as being easily able to tread between the lines - decode people's facial signals/body language/how people are likely to feel in certain situations etc, rather than having to have things spelt out to him.

It may be, TC. He is very sensitive and loving - always asking if I'm ok etc, and telling me he loves me, but school probably won't see that side of him.
The psychologist said this kind of went against ASD a bit.

The number of times your DS1 has been so sensitive and empathetic in his rlationship with you!

I wonder if it might be helpful to call her on the phone and explain a little about what happened n your marriage and exH's very defintie temper and anger, also i think iot is important that she knows about his extreme controlling nature and the way the children were not allowed to make any mess, have toys in various rooms etc. You can't possibly go inot that with him there, she must undersdtand that - i'm sure she read a lot between the lines, but I would think it was helpful for her to know more of the breadth and width of the way DS1 was expected to be.

I completely unerstand why his dad needs to be there - and it's important that he does acknowledge that he has needs etc.

Ex H probably won't be able to make all of the appointments, because of his work shifts, so I will explain more about the relationship problems when I am on my own.
I did explain how DS has been through an awful lot, and that I think he hasn't appeared a happy child for years.

He has perked up a lot this afternoon, so think it may have been a reaction to being in that small room, knowing he was being spoken about.

He is such a caring boy. I have just walked him round to the garage & bought him a chocolate bar, which had 8 pieces.
He said "I know - you could have 2 pieces, daddy could have 2, DS2 could have 2, and so could I - that would be fair."
whatever the outcome of all this, he is still my lovely boy.

Oh, PC - he is a very very lovely boy . Beautiful, kind, loving, perceptive, imaginitive and clever.

Have you talked to him about this assesment? That it is about helping him to feel happier at school etc? As he is so intelligent and perceptive, it might help if he can make an input and say what kind of help he would like and what he wants or doesn't want for himself.

It's going to be hard talking about exH in front of DS1, too, isn't it? I wish professionals made it easier to talk to them without the children present. We have a meeting with DS's consultant soon about the huge surgery he will have next year, and DP and I really want to have time alone with the consultant to ask about some of the realities about timescales, lack of mobility...so that we can then prepare DS for it in a way whch we know will work for him. I think I am going to take DS's godless-mother with us, and she can take him out while we ask all that.

Pinkchampagne, Sorry today has been such a hard day for you and DS. I bet you are feeling a bit shell shocked by it all. I know I was amazed by some of the things others said about DS and sometimes I wondered if we were talking about the same person. As you say though, they don't see the same sides as we see at home with our lovely boys.

I'm glad that your DS is getting some help so quickly and he doesn't have to go back on another waiting list. I really hope that from here on everything starts to get better for DS and for you too.

We have parents evening this evening to see the teacher and then the SENCO so that will be interesting.

I haven't really told him exactually why he's going, Blu, I just said that the lady wants to help with things that might be worrying him. Maybe I should explain more to him, I just don't want him worrying, as he is a real worrier.

He is quite with it, but it doesn't come across in class, as he doesn't concentrate, has poor motivation, and has all the problems with his writing.
The psychologist mentioned that school suggested he may have learning difficulties, which really threw me, as his SATs results proved that he was a good average for his age.
He is not putting pencil to paper in class though, and doesn't concentrate well, so they are doing another test to check for any learning difficulties.

It has all been so much to take in today.

Niecie - I hope all goes ok for parents evening. Ours is next Tuesday, and I can't say I'm looking forward to it.

I love "Godless mother" Blu!
It is horrible having to discuss things in front of them, so taking someone extra along is a very good idea.

Very big hugs to you and DS1, pinkchampagne. You are a tremendous mum, the best asset your DSs could have .

Aww, thank you, Dinosaur. I don't feel such a great mum a lot of the time, but that was a really sweet thing to say.

Pinkchampagne - after last night's parents evening I would be careful about the reports the school give to anybody else, I am not sure that they know my DS at all sometimes! I thought parents evening went OK but this morning I am not so sure. I have started another thread about it though.

I think the learning difficulties that the school mention are more to do with your DS's ability to deal with being in class rather than his academic ability. The SATS prove he doesn't have a problem with the work and he is learning. I suppose the trick is to make that easier for him so that he can reach his potential.

I can't remember if your DS has ever seen an OT. If he hasn't I would use your other sessions to put some pressure on to see one. It might help him to make some progress with the motor skills and improve his motivation if he has some help with the handwriting etc and it isn't all such an enormous effort.

Can I also second Dinosaur and say what a great job you are doing with so little support from anybody else. My DH may still be in denial about the AS, he may leave all the research and effort up to me but for the most part we have gone to the process together. I don't know what I would do in your situation - probably given up ages ago. Your DS sounds lovely and a real credit to you. I hope you get the help you need soon.

I will take a look for your thread, Niecie.

My DS is down to see an OT, and we're waiting to hear back from them.

I have spoken to the SENCO today, and told her I need to take DS back next week, so have offered to work a full day on my half day to make up for it.

My poor DS has such terrible self esteem problems on top of everything. Today he told me he hated himself, and thinks he has a big head & a silly face.
I always tell him how handsome he is, so don't know where he is getting this from. Maybe it is children at school.