The bittersweet experience of raising an NT child after a ND firstborn

[MoonBaby1]

I’ve been meaning to start a thread like this for about 2 years! My eldest has ASD and ADHD and was quite obviously ‘different’ even as an older baby. Having ds2 just seems to highlight how much ds1 was struggling and it’s made me more proud and more protective of him than ever.

I can see an easier path ahead of me, parenting ds2 and in some ways it makes me happy but it has pushed my empathy towards my firstborn into overdrive and I just feel so protective and proud of him navigating a world he’ll always find so confusing socially.

I’ve no real questions but just wanted to see if any other parents shared this experience and wanted to talk.

I know this chat room is quiet compared with 5+ years ago but I’m not keen on posting somewhere ‘for traffic’.

I have an ASD ds and a younger NT dd and I definitely felt this a lot when they were younger. Dd seemed to fit straight into the world whereas ds struggled so much for the first 4 or so years of his life.

Now they are bit older (7 and 5) and ds has made huge progress I can see how differently they navigate situations. Sometime ds has the upper hand and sometimes dd does. Things generally are harder for ds but he also has massive strengths in areas that dd doesn't.

In terms of personality and behaviour I often find it easier to predict ds's behaviour/reactions than dd's, which often seem to come from nowhere.

What is so nice now they are older is how much they love and support each other. Obviously it's not all roses and siblings fight but they often play really nicely together. I hope that lasts as they get older.

I completely get where you are coming from on this. I sometimes look at youngest DS and it breaks my heart for the eldest. I love them both to bits but there are so many things that just come so easily and naturally for the youngest that are alien for the oldest one. That said, I'm also finding that being around the youngest one (they are 7-8 and 4) is helping the eldest. It is a warzone at time, but being forced to interact with his little brother and put up with the nonsense is making him slowly more resilient to things. Though it also means there are times when he desperately needs quiet space.

@MoonBaby1 I know you posted a while ago but I wanted to say you sound amazing. My son is two and half and is diagnosed asd and my nt daughter is 5. I find the next 20 years terrifying and sometimes think if he had been born first I would never think to have another child. Mainly because I don't think I could cope.

I can relate. My 7yr old son has just been confirmed as having ASD after 3 years of trying to get him diagnosed. His 3yr old brother is so much more imaginative, confident and sociable.

I actually think the lockdown earlier this year did their relationship the world of good, the 7yr old puts up with more rough and tumble and his confidence is growing as he’ll follow his brother’s lead, and the 3yr old’s speech came on loads bossing his big bro around. Homeschooling was pretty much a flop, but we did our best.