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[Shutupyoutart]

Hi all. I posted a while back about concerns i have about our ds(3) i expressed my concerns to phn over a year ago and we have been on the journey since to get him assessed ect.he is now on the radar of the early intervention team which is great however he still hasn't been seen by anyone due to covid. Ive had lots of phone conversations with different people and they all been very understanding and supportive but im frustrated that im still struggling and we are missing out on these therapies that could really help ds. Ds has started a new preschool and they are amazing! They picked up on issues after one session and he now has an sna however he is only allowed to go for one day because he takes up alot of her time (constant running into everything ect) and they have another little boy there with sn. They are trying to get another sna so he can go for the full 3 hours. His sna mentioned yesterday that he is defiant (he is here too) she didnt say in so many words but i got the impression that she thinks i need to be stricter, family members have said this too. Now im doubting myself again that its my fault and its my patenting. Ds has been much better past few days and now today hes back hitting, throwing things ect. Its like one step forward two back. He doesnt answer his name or speak much so its hard to discipline him. I just feel like a shit mum and close to tears today. Sorry for the rant. X

One hour that was meant to say not one day.

I remember being told I was not allowing DS2 his independence at this age. Listen to what other say but remember you know your son. I am positive if this was a discipline matter you would have already addressed that. Family members are usually in denial, they want a simple solution.

@boulshired thank you so much for your reply. Its just a never ending stream of going back and forth doubting myself and my parenting. Can autistic children appear different in different settings? His teacher said hes responding to his name at school now but at home you can call him a million times and he wont look!

I agree with boulshired, people often have their own agenda.

In my experience with ds, I found stricter parenting broke down the trust he had with me. How I parent now may seem 'soft' to other people but it keeps ds in balance and reduces his anxiety. Also I find I'm much happier not saying 'no' and 'don't' the whole time or trying to get a very distressed child to do something he is not mentally capable of understanding.

Children with SN can definitely behave differently in different locations and with different people. Also you child is more likely to kick off at home because you are his safe space. Please don't let others undermine you.

I find Yvonne Newbold's Facebook group SEND VCB very informative for behaviour advice, particularly in relation to other people's opinions and strict parenting. She has done a series of videos about it.

If your ds doesn't respond to his name, try touching his shoulder when you say it or make sure you are directly in his eye line or he may literally not be hearing you rather than wilfully ignoring you.

Thank you so much that all makes a lot of sense. I am feeling alot better about things today. I just feel a bit patronised by some of the people i have spoken to most have been great. Like the other day i mentioned that ds hits his baby sister alot and he doesnt seem to understand conaequences and others feelings and that i find if he spoke more he could tell me what he was feeling and she said i have to give him the language and say "baby sad" it exasperated me cos i do that every single time he hurts someone but hes just oblivious. I guess its difficult to explain these things to them over the phone (services not running due to covid) i just felt like we were getting somewhere with people seeing the things i was now i feel like its just me over anlysising. I will defo have a look at that facebook page and videos thanks so much. I dont think its that hes not hearing we had it tested cos he was appearing to not hearing. Turns out hearings perfect!

It is very exasperating.

It has taken a long time for my ds to understand that he is hurting others. Sometime now he still finds it difficult, other people's emotions are quite a hard thing to understand at that age and particularly if the child has SN. I found the most important thing was to work out why he was doing it (ie is the baby screaming and it's hurting his ears, or is he in a sensory seeking mood where he needs some intense feedback, is he doing it because he's trying to get attention). The more you can learn his triggers the more you can find ways to reduce the behaviour by removing the trigger. You have to be so creative with problem solving particularly when you child can't communicate what they want/need.

Sorry I should have been clearer about the hearing thing. My ds used to do exactly the same, perfect hearing (in fact better than perfect) but he wouldn't 'hear' me if I was calling his name because he was focusing on something else or he would just assume that I was talking to someone else unless I touched him and caught his attention.

Thats true thank you so much. Im not sure why he does it sometimes its really obvious eg. She took his toy or other times he will just randomly throw something at her or come and hit her on the head! We will get there eventually. He can be such a sweet kid he kissed her the other day first time ever (shes 13 months) it really melted my heart cos he normally has no time for her.

Having a rough day today. Ds is doing fab at play school but still so challenging at home. His sna told me he was brilliant today which obviously im thrilled about but then hes come home been into everything hit the baby, and hit me in the face with his toy hulk.Why is he only like this at home. Feel like im doing something wrong :(

Sorry that you've had such a tricky day

Just to reiterate what previous posters have said, your son may be using so much effort holding it together at nursery that when he gets home with you he just feels he can let it all out because he can trust you. Don't see it as a judgement on your parenting - we all go through phases of beating ourselves up about this, I do it when my son's alternative provision tell me he is never violent/aggressive there! - but it's far more likely to be an indication that he feels secure and safe with you and is 'masking' or holding it together at great effort when he is with others.

Maybe when he gets back from nursery he would benefit from some 'down time' or some specific sensory input to help him let out some of the tension that has been building? Different things work for different children, depending a bit on their sensory needs and personalities, but things that have worked (sometimes) for my son include - crunchy snacks (crackers/popcorn/carrot/apple/ice cubes etc), physical exertion (scooting home, swinging on his climbing frame, digging in the garden) or down time (audio book in his bedroom with his fav activity - pushing cars/trains about - and no expectations on him to interact). Perhaps having a bit of time apart from his sister when he first gets home so he can sort of level himself out without having to also manage interacting with her? (I appreciate some of these ideas may not work logistically for you, just pick out anything that you think might be useful!)

Re hurting his sister - perhaps you could start jotting down in a notebook/on your phone when it happens - the time, what was happening beforehand, and then what happened. Also maybe what happened after, including how you dealt with it. I find it really helps me to spot what is triggering my son if I write down several incidents - sometimes just the act of stopping and writing it down makes me aware of something, or after several incidents I might spot a pattern.

Importantly, remember that tomorrow is another day, and that you are a fabulous mum who clearly loves her children x

Thank you so much for your reply custard i really needed to hear that. I just feel like im banging my head of the wall alot lol. Spoke to the lady from early intervention yday again on the phone. Still cant do face to face due to covid. Ive heard alot about this masking in school, and i didnt think he was doing that as he seems so happy to go there but his behaviour here is so different!he never hits, doesn't throw things answers his name. I just keep feeling like im overreacting and its me. The sna he has is fab but felt a little put out yday as i text her to say we would be starting toilet training ds over the midterm break and she said she had started with him there today! Surely this should have been discussed with me first?im just feeling a bit patronised about things like when i was on the phone she was telling me things i already know ive got 2 older children that ive potty trained no bother. Urgh i dont know im sure they mean well but ive come away feeling worse and this has happened a few times now. Sorry for the rant and thank you so much for your lovely comments and advice writing triggers down is great advice ive done that a few times now havent seen many patterns yet but i think he is threatened by the baby as every incident seems to involve her somehow. X