Violent meltdowns ASD

[CandEB]

Ds is 5 and was diagnosed as having ASD in January. He is prone to violent meltdowns which can triggered by a whole host of things such as noise, change in routine, being unable to do things he perceives as tricky. Today has been a particularly bad day as has been very upset about returning to school. The school has put him on a part time timetable as they believe he needs a transition back into school however ds is increasingly distressed by not having lunch at school and spending the afternoon. Everytime we talk about it when he's calm ds states that school is wrong and I want it to not be wrong.
This morning ds was agitated from the get go and had a horrible meltdown resulting in kicking hitting and screaming and ended up punching dh in the face. I feel completely defeated. Punishment for meltdowns does fuck all and to be honest it makes things worse. The only thing that seems to work is leaving him alone and giving him ear defenders to block out the noise untill he comes back downstairs. How are we supposed to deal with these incidents? Is it because I'm just a horrible mother? What am I doing wrong? I feel so guilty that sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if we just had our other two dc who are 10x easier to parent and are generally lovely children. Outside of the meltdowns etc ds is lovely and a joy to be around. How do other people with autistic children seem to cope?

I could have written this a few years ago. DD is 8 and less violent. But does suffer anger issues, which she feels awful about. She too just needs ‘space’ and then she calms down.
I don’t have any advice really, but just to say you are not alone.

That sounds incredibly difficult. I can't give you any magic answers, only repeat stuff you can see on a million other threads on here - lots of preparation, visual timetable, social stories, all when he is a more calm state so he has the capacity to take it in. My son responds well to having expectations reduced. Of course finding that calm time is so hard once he is wound up.

Have you tried explaining to school that the reduced timetable is distressing him? They shouldn't just be sending him home. Maybe talk through what things he would like to change at school. You won't be able to solve them all but if you, or school, can get some mitigations in place you can still reduce his distress. Eg if he hates staying in bubbles at playtime, can he go somewhere else instead? Do they have an ELSA or TA would can work with him one to one? If he's distressed by being sent home then he has a right to be in school. Does his class have a clear visual timetable so he knows what is coming through the school day? Does he need somewhere quiet or some exercising time through the day? Does he find the noise or crowd difficult?

Are lunchtimes difficult my sin when he was your sons age. Couldn't handke unstructured lunch times. So cut it diwn to ten mins dinner ten minuits out side then ten computer . Seemed to help. Blue tac and fiddle toys my son hatesmd making mistakes. Or lack freinds. Thel learn in end frustrations are hard my sins inky just worked out calming music things to listen to. Smell lityle bix nice things. Weighted blanket abd tent helped mine to. Blowing bubbles is giid up ay to calm. If he's just started to go up the tragic lights a way if good breathing. Jus kerp them safe never punish s melt diwn it's were brain gets overloaded. Sensory overload. It's good he enjoys school.. They do like routine so understandable he wouldn't like to come home dise school have sensory room.??, enjoy. My teachers used to say my sin was a bull in a China shop miss those days crasy they were stay calm is best suggestion xxx

He isnt like this because you are a horrible mum so put that thought away. Its very often an extreme fear response when life feels out of control or after sensory overload. I recommend looking up Yvonne Newbold. She has some great videos on challenging behaviour. They look at causes (which can help you prevent them) and some techniques to help if a meltdown has happened.

If leaving him alone with ear defenders is what helps that is ok. My son has to be left alone once he is in a melt down. We also dont punish him because he isnt chosing to do it and it wont stop him doing it again. He cant even remember what happens as he is so stressed.