Dealing with meltdowns

[Willowmartha1]

Need advice on how to deal with my 8 year old dd who is undergoing tests for ASD. I'm finding it very hard to keep calm when she is having one of her meltdowns and find myself yelling at her which I know is the completely wrong thing to do. Yesterday morning she suddenly decided that she hated all her clothes and dumped the whole lot on the floor of her bedroom then had a meltdown because she had nothing to wear !! She took ages to calm down, she also hates her tangly hair but refuses to let me near it to brush it so we had a meltdown about that too! I'm find her exasperating and frustrating but I know it's not her fault so when I yell I feel awful and like a terrible mum. Advice please ?

I know it's easier said than done but what I've found is really key, is that you keep as calm as possible when they are having a meltdown.

My son often meltdowns over things that I cannot understand to be a problem, to him it's a big deal so I listen and try to find a resolution that he's happy with and when he is calm I will then discuss it with him and try to ease his anxiety.

Out in public is often the worst times for us because you have an audience who like to judge.

It may be that your DD was having a sensory overload and the feel/material of her clothing tipped her over the edge resulting in a meltdown, there will probably be something that happened prior to the clothing becoming an issue if you can identify when she is reaching her tolerance limit then you can sometimes avoid the meltdown.

Identifying triggers will help you access a potential problem before it happens.

Also, your not a terrible mum, your a mum who is trying her best to understand a complex condition.

Keep calm is my best advice, children feed off our emotions, if your calm she will be too.

If I get flustered and frustrated my son definitely has a worse meltdown.

Its so tough to begin with. I have two bits of advice from doing a few courses when my son was first diagnosed.

One is 'an escalated adult can deescalate an escalted child' so its really important to take a deep breath and move away and be calm.

The second was the trainer asking what we would do if our child had fallen over and hurt themselves. She talked through how we would insitictively be very sympathetic and hopefully comfort out child and soften our voice to calm them and perhaps hug them, we wouldnt poke the bit that hurt and we'd give them time to sob until they calmed, then tackle first aid She said a meltdown isnt different. If you see your child as injured and very frightenened you will instinctively respond much better than if you seem them as defiant /awkward.

Sorry that should say 'can't' not can!

@wagtailred that makes such sense thank you!!

You've had some great advice so far Willowmartha1

she also hates her tangly hair but refuses to let me near it to brush it so we had a meltdown about that too!

You brushing her hair may feel like intense pain to her, that could be why she doesn't want you to touch it.

A tangle teezer brush is much gentler than an ordinary one, but it won't fully stop her sensitivity to her hair/head being touched.

Sensory Processing issues are not a trivial thing that she can just ignore, read this booklet and see if it helps your understanding.

www.falkirk.gov.uk/services/social-care/disabilities/docs/young-people/Making%20Sense%20of%20Sensory%20Behaviour.pdf?

I used to wrap a silky blanket around mine and hold him firmly, two things he very much likes and would usually calm him down fast. Find what her sensory likes are and use them to soothe her.

And several older autistic women I know have very short hair, for the tangle reason I suspect. You might want to talk to her about a haircut.