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Original poster

Can't deal with this anymore but I know we have to

48 replies

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 01/10/2007 08:49

DS (7) is out of control. I don't know where the lovely child he used to be is. I can't believe a child with such a degree of physical disaibility (can't walk/stand unaided and is very clumsy and uncoodinated) can throw with such deadly accuracy. He smashed a Thomas train into DD's head last night, without warning. They were just sitting on the sofa together and BANG; he sees an opportunity; he takes it. She cried for ages.

DH and I are covered with the battle wounds of the weekend. Nearly every time I pick him up (to carry him to the car, put him in his chair etc) he takes the opportunity to pinch bits of my skin between his fingers as hard as he can. The tops of my arms are so painful and covered in small purple bruises. My neck is red raw but DH's is worse. And he has the skin scraped off his the top of his head in a number of places. Just when one scabs over and starts to heal DS rakes the scab off and makes it bleed again as well as doing another couple of good measure.

DH has done the school run this morning. He is so angry and stressed (from despair at DS!) that I'm sure he shouldn't even be driving. And he has to do 40 mile run in total, taking the others into school and then off to horse riding (RDA) for DS and then him into school. I said "sorry" (pathetically.. helplessly! ) as he went out the door with DS in his arms who was attempting to slap him round the face and he roared at me "IT'S FINE!" with real anger. I know he's not angry with me really but we have worked so hard to keep our relationship on track lately. So many marriages break down when there is an SN child in the family. And most of them are probably not as challanging as DS is now. We try to be a united front. But DS2 is pushing us to the limits of our endurance I swear. This morning was bedlam. DD (8) was so stressed at being chased around the (small) living room by DS2 who was trying to pull her hair (and he drags it from the roots ) that she and DS1 (15) had a big argument which just fuels DS2 2 even more. He seems to feed off it.

I don't know what to do anymore.

There is a CHN (child in need) meeting on the 17th at the respite carers house (came about as DS attacked me in paediatrician's office and she demanded an urgent meeting)aimed at getting us more respite I think. But even the respite carer is struggling because he is sometimes violent at her house. School are having similar problems. Why should anyone else have to cope with DS? And God, at the moment the 17th seems such a long time away.

We just can't handle this as a family. But we have to. Not handling it is not an option.

Sorry for whinging. Can't whinge to anyone else.

OP posts:
2shoes · 01/10/2007 09:08

I am so sorry you are having such a bad time. Sorry I can't offer any advice.
the only thing I would suggest is changing the manual handling. can you apply for a W.A.V through motorbility. so at least you wouldn't have to carry/lift him to the car.

ManxMum · 01/10/2007 09:18

I feel for you all. Makes my problem look insignificant

an't think of anything to help atm, but am sending strength vibes to you.

Well, you've made ME feel better

Cappuccino · 01/10/2007 09:20

shiny this is prob ridiculous thing to say so sorry but do you not have transport from local authority to take ds to school?

I am so sorry this is so hard for you

agree the 17th sounds a long way away but it will come soon

Cappuccino · 01/10/2007 09:21

god I'm sorry that sounds so glib

I meant it to sound supportive

Hassled · 01/10/2007 09:26

Don't apologise for whinging - whinge away. I wish I could say something constructive and helpful, but you have all my admiration and sympathy.

MegaLegs · 01/10/2007 09:28

Oh Shiny - sorry to hear you are going through this. DS4 is just 2 and he has given me a couple of shiners as well as biting, hitting and pinching us all, and that's painful enough from a little one let alone a 7 year old.

I feel hopeless as I don't know what to suggest. Is there other support available for you, can you contact the paed again and ask her to bring the CHN meeting forward as it's an emergency?

Original poster
ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 01/10/2007 09:28

Didn't sound glib Cappucino. yes he goes to school on transport but on Monday's he does RDA (not through school so we have to take him) so the taxi doesn't come on Monday mornings.

Manxmum no problem is insignificant when you are experiencing it.

2shoes thanks, see what you are saying, but it's not just the manual handling. He "gets" us anyway he can. Eg when you bend over wheelchair to fasten him in. (Or attempt to.. he gets out of anything now!) or when you are sitting on the sofa. Also, he doesn't technically need that degree of manual handling. If he would cooperate he could "walk" (or be walked, holding both his hands) to the car etc. But most of the time he just won't. He has quite complex needs; learning disability/physical disability but the spitefulness has only been a problem for the last couple of years but getting ever worse it seems.

OP posts:
RnB · 01/10/2007 09:29

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RnB · 01/10/2007 09:29

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Original poster
ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 01/10/2007 09:31

He gets transport RnB. Thanks for the support. MN aways makes me feel a bit better.

I just don't know what "much more support" could consist of? If anyone ever suggested sending him away I would run a mile. I couldn't do that. But I admit I do look forward to when he is 16 and he might maybe go to a resisdential college.

OP posts:
onlyjoking9329 · 01/10/2007 09:33

blimely shiney you are having a rough time i wished i had some ideas for you, i hope the review will highlight some ways forward for you all.

magsi · 01/10/2007 09:40

Shiney.....

Read your post and really feel for you and your family. Its so hard when everyone in the family is affected, especially your other children. Ds1 is nearly 6 and has cp, although he is not as physically affected as your Ds. We have been seeing the beginnings of the violent outbursts though and can only see them getting worse. It is really hard to remember that most of these outbursts are born out of his frustrations because he cannot talk and his body isn't working properly so being physical is the only way to get his point accross. Hard to remember when your other children are in the firing line I know.

I really hope you get some help with the respite and your family has some time to be 'normal' for a bit.

I know it is probably laughable, but I just thought maybe your Ds could wear gloves sometimes, it might help with the scratching etc. Sorry I can't offer any more relief, I only wish I could. It is hard to remember your own relationship when all you seem to do is 'survive' from day to day as a family. Not much of a suggestion I know, but maybe you could wangle a nice meal out with Dh soon?

I hope some peace is returned to your household soon and in the meantime, Tea, Chocolate Biscuits......

RnB · 01/10/2007 09:47

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Dinosaur · 01/10/2007 09:51

Oh Shiny, that sounds awful .

You are not whingeing, blimey not at all. I don't think I'd cope at all with what you are enduring.

I just hope that CHN people can come up with something.

Original poster
ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 01/10/2007 09:55

Yes have been to BIBIC (last June, 2006) but havent been able to go back since because of our crazy routine!

The violence is like an impulse. He has always been madly impulsive is ways that really hinder his development (he is quite intelligent is many ways) but it's as if he see an opportunity to hurt someone (usually with no obvious trigger) and he has to take it. And then he sits back and watches with delight as people react to the pain.

I happened to see the expression on his face the other evening as he launched himself at DD in order to hurt her. It was full of spite. I just don't know where it comes from. He has always been high mainenance but we used to get such a lot of pleasure from him and he from us.

And yes she is lovely with him generally, and very protective of him. And she clearly cherishes the moments when he is not trying to beat her up!

OP posts:
coppertop · 01/10/2007 09:56

I don't have any advice but couldn't read and not post, Shiny. I hope you and dh get the help you need. xxx

RnB · 01/10/2007 10:00

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dustystar · 01/10/2007 10:02

No advice shiny but [hugs] (for what they're worth.)

I have to echo manxmum and say what our family is going through right now pales into insignificance next to what is happening in your life

I don't know what i'd do without this place to let off steam so you go right ahead and let it all out.

FioFio · 01/10/2007 11:53

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Original poster
ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 01/10/2007 12:03

Thanks all.

Fio it's entirely black humour but the thought of your (lovely) DD screeching "pinch!" before she launchesan attack made me smile It would be handy is DS would do that first.. but he is silent and lethal like a stealth bomber.. (Thank God my sense of humour re-asserts itself later in the day! Even though DH has returned with his back "gone".. God it needs to get better before tomorrow.. have to take my Dad - who is now completely wheelchair bound - to an appointment and I can't lift him in and out of car on my own! )

Yes, he's doing it at school too but not every day. I took him to church yesterday so he could go to Sunday school with DD. But really I was just giving DH a rest as he's had a gutful of him by 10am! Bad mistake.. he launched an attack on a smaller child. The kids at church are used to him from summer club (where church fund a one-to-one the lovely people!) but still.. you don't send your kid to Sunday School to get battered to you!

How is DD with the baby? And how are you all?? I think of you lots.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 01/10/2007 12:04

Oooh and she spits! Missed that!

Sorry.. I'm not actually laughing.. it's sort of warped empathy.. you know my humour don't you!!

God aren't they awful!

OP posts:
Nat1H · 01/10/2007 12:08

You have really cheered me up! (how stupid does that sound?) My Ds2 with CP does exactly the same!! He is 4 now, but has been grabbing since he was a newborn. He went through a stage of headbutting (which made us see stars, but he didn't seem to feel!)He now bites and grabs most of the time and like your DS, he will grab any opportunity. He attacks my DS1 a lot and he is really beginning to get sick of it. We are even thinking of putting a lock on his room so that he can escape. (DS2 is mobile around the house). I really hope someone can come up with some suggestions as I could do with a few! Does your DS seem to have any concept of what he has done? If we tell DS2 off, he stares blankly at you, and obviuosly has no idea of the pain he has inflicted. I have even tried biting him back and pulling his hair, but he doesn't seem to feel it.
Sending ((hugs)) rather than attacks!!

FioFio · 01/10/2007 12:09

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Original poster
ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 01/10/2007 12:25

Yes.. I'm up for it Fio! Be nice to meet Turq! How abour Cadders? Don't see her on here much these days.

Nat, my DS knows what he has done.. he watches the pain he causes in enjoyment. Although whether he processes that information in quite the normal way I don't know. But I'm probably just making excuses for him. Mostly, if he's pinching my arms I just put up with it and don't react (say, if I'm strapping him into a car or wheelchair) then he doesn't get any feedback, although he watched for it carefully. My upper arms are always very interesting colours. I bet the people at the gym think it's DH!

I wouldn't bite or pinch him back. It's just teaching him that it's an ok thing to do. It doesn't work anyway. (Yes I've tried it so I'm not judging you.)

OP posts:
twoisplenty · 01/10/2007 12:33

Shiny, I had to write to let you know that you are not alone (as you can see from the other posts!) Our ds is 8yo and for the last few years has been impulsive with hitting, biting, slapping me on the face, pulling hair etc etc, and also screaming like an animal.

But it's all impulsive, like a reflex action almost. Except when we ask him to do something, like come to the table for dinner, help get dressed or go to the toilet. Then he does all the above but like a temper tantrum because he wants to play.

It's really really hard and soul destroying because, like you, our ds is loving and caring and funny most of the time.

He has a younger sister, 4yo, and I really believe he is full of anger and frustration because he has seen her go from baby to walking, talking, animated lovable girl, and he cannot walk or talk and has severe learning problems. He can crawl around the house, and stand holding onto things, and uses a walking frame.

Have you seen an educational psychologist? We made an appointment at school (sn school) and she made suggestions to help curb the frustration. It has helped a bit, and we manage him better now.

Good luck on 17th.

Btw, not trying to minimise your suffering, just that our ds is similar although your ds sounds like you really need help now.