Can’t cope. Autistic 3 yr old meltdowns. 18 month old tantrums. No childcare.

[Allthenumbers]

Just that. Feel like I can’t do this anymore. Dd3 isn’t diagnosed yet but she’s autistic.
I know she is. She is having more and more frequent Meltdowns which last about an hour.

18 month old is so tantrummy. I wanted to take them out this morning but 18 mth old screamed so much about going in buggy. This sets off dd3 who is sensitive to noise. She’d only just calmed down from an hour long meltdown. Had to abandon trip.

Then at dinner 3 yo had another meltdown about something to do with a yogurt. I don’t even understand what it was about. Kept trying to attack her little sister.

Then 18 month old screamed about bring taken out of the bath.

I just can’t cope with the screaming anymore.

In my local authority, all the agencies have help lines open.

• The child development centre (where children go for their diagnosis in our area - I know it varies across the country)
• CAMHS - where children go for diagnoses in other parts of the country - but they have helplines available now for any family struggling
• The Educational Psychologists
• The Early Years Inclusion services
• Autism Support Services

The Children's Centres

then there are the big charities
NAS
Contact

and potentially lots of other local support too.
Put 'Family Information Service' into your search engine, with the name of your local area, and contact them to signpost you for support
PLEASE ask for help. That is exactly what they are there for.

Thanks so much for replying. I think I needed to vent as life is so hard in moments.

I’m not really sure what an external organisation could do?

My husband and I do our best to manage our stress but some days it’s too much.

He’s going to try and take some leave from work whilst we’re without any childcare which should help.

I’m not really sure what an external organisation could do?

Let you vent.
Let you know you aren't alone
Let you know they understand (and, in some cases have been there themselves).

But also they might be able to suggest strategies that could help. Whereas you have probably only met one child like dd3, they have met dozens, or even hundreds. It is what they do, for their jobs. They will have come across strategies and techniques that work for some children, and, if they don't work for you dd, they will have come across other techniques and strategies that worked for different children. Unless you have worked with lots and lots of children like your dd, there is no reason why you would be aware of some things to try. Which might, or might not help, but they have to be worth a phone call to fin out.

Where I am, NAS have local support groups - sometimes it is good just to find another parent in the same position as you. They also run training or workshops, or just offer to let family members know more about things like sensory differences and how they can impact upon a child. Possibly about how you can remove some of the things that make your child so upset / anxious.
Obviously, they don't have a magic wand, but it might go some way towards helping.

In our authority, they will also help find places for children whilst their childcare is closed, too. If that is something you'd consider.

Ok thanks, that’s helpful. We have got some professionals we’ve used for support but you’re right that there is always other ideas etc

It’s just really hard having the 2 kids. If it was only my autistic daughter I had to deal with it’d be ok but managing the two single handed all day is practically impossible.

Hi x I was wondering if you have any update about your situation ? X

@Vittoria123 well my kids are 7 and 5 now. They are both Autistic and adhd. I think I probably am too. They’re very different to each other which makes life challenging. Life is still very hard in all honesty. It’s not as incessantly impossible like it was 4 years ago and I know a lot more about autism which has helped a lot!

Nothing but hugs here, OP.

Do you have one of these near you? When my autistic son was at the stage of having multiple meltdowns a day, these people saved my sanity...

www.barnardos.org.uk/get-support/support-for-parents-and-carers/family-hubs-family-centres

Also, it can be helpful to try and identify triggers for the ASD meltdowns so you can work around them. Eg, is it sensory - in which case would some kind of sensory aid help - eg ear defenders.

(My son developed a special interest in doors around this time and would scream the house down if we took him away from a door he wanted to watch/play with. The supermarket automatic doors was the worst. Banardos suggested having LEGO doors in our bag that he could play with when he was starting to scream. It was a great diversion tactic and worked like a charm. That's what I mean by identifying triggers and having strategies to head them off.)

Can I ask what meds your kids take. Sorry my 9 year old started elvanse but she's losing so much weight and I'm worrying

Hi , has it got any easier from your last update? I've got two with asd & adhd .
Thanks 😊

@SL22 hi, in some ways yes, in some ways no! My eldest is 8 now not the little 3 year old in my OP. She needs a significant amount of care but she’s is lovely and her meltdowns are less frequent. She’s doing ok at school- has an ehcp. My youngest is incredibly bright but struggles massively with emotional regulation. She and I have an amazing bond so she copes well at home but school is very difficult. I’d say most of our stress now comes from school and the broken SEN system.

but at home, in general, life is calmer. I’m much more Neuro aware / Neuro affirming now and so can respond to their needs well. It’s a huge amount of work. So I’m still out of paid work. So life is hard for us but not the constant full on stress when they were under 4!

do you want to talk about your situation?

Hi , Thanks for replying. I'm glad to hear in some ways it's got easier / improved. Especially with meltdowns.

I've got a 5 yo dd with asd/ adhd & 6 yo ds with asd.

My son has improved alot , calmed , more regulated & speech has come on alot with definitely helps with expressing needs & frustration etc. He is in a sen provision.

My daughter turned 5 in December, her speech has come on alot in past 3 months . But overall still requires alot of support , time and input. She still has meltdowns and kicks up ( this seems to have improved past few months ). Not as regular but still a ticking time bomb.

The meltdowns have been the hardest and put me on edge, when will the next one be and why?etc

. She's currently in process of getting an ehcp and will need 1 to 1 if remains in mainstream. Time will tell.

What age did the meltdowns start to become less frequent? And your daughters been OK in mainstream?

I understand what your saying, the stress comes from school and the system is definitely broken .

Glad life at home is calmer. That's what I'm holding out for lol 😆

Hi @SL22 I think my eldest probably had fewer meltdowns from around age 7. They still happen but less frequently.

It’s unbelievably stressful isn’t it. As carers we are working so hard to stay regulated in the face of extreme stress. It takes it toll. I’m also starting to realise I am probably ND myself. And as a result being much kinder myself.

both of mine are in mainstream. One with an ehcp. I’m going through the process with the other but it’s painful with appeals at every step.

the school isn’t great which doesn’t help and definitely these days it is the school system that caused 90% of my SEN stress. It’s so sad that that’s how it is.

Hi , that's good to hear meltdowns have decreased . I am hoping with my daughter she will be able to better regulate her emotions and express her needs without getting frustrated etc.

Just taking each day as it comes , as you say too trying to be kinder to myself . There's so much to process .

I hope you manage to sort ehcp , I've been quite lucky with the school mine have been at as they've been very supportive, maybe mine have had higher needs as both ehcp were accepted straight away. Mine will hurt themselves in frustration so health & safety risk etc.

I've found scrolling through mumsnet very helpful and supportive. , just seeing other people's journeys & experience.
Knowing I'm not the only one !

Again thank you for taking the time to reply and share with me . Il let you know how I get on with my daughter. I'm hoping she can stay in mainstream with support but if its not suitable then I will cross that bridge when I find it xx