Worried about DS (10) suspected ASD and diagnosis of ADHD

[IknowIcan]

My DS 10 is diagnosed with ADHD and has been referred for ASD assessment. I'm hoping for some advice from parents/Carers with ASD kids (I suspect the issues are more ASD than adhd but not sure.) I have tears as I type as I am so worried about my wonderful funny little boy who seems so distressed and angry so much of the time now.

DS is almost 11 and is really struggling. He is normally funny and kind but he suffers from anxiety and struggles with any change to routine. Over recent months he has regressed and has refused to wash or get a bath or shower for weeks. (He does still wash his hands and brush his teeth.) He is also not going to the toilet when he needs to and is having the odd accident.

I really don't know what to do to help him. To complicate matters he is currently rejecting me and staying with his Dad. (We normally have shared care but DS was unable to see his dad for over 5 weeks at the start of lockdown. DS then went to stay with his Dad and is reluctant to come back to my house. Luckily DS Dad and I have a great co-parenting relationship (we talk most days) which is a major positive. His Dad has encouraged/made him come back here a few times over the last 6 weeks - but it didn't go well with DS getting very agitated when anything didn't go exactly how he imagined (this is an ongoing issue for DS - I think it may be anxiety or possibly ASD related?).

I have spoken to the adhd consultant (same consultant who picked up on the ASD and made the referral) and she has just suggested consistency and trying to come off the adhd meds for a few weeks to see if that helps. (DS is on strattera and apparently it can increase anxiety.)

I suppose I'm looking for some glimmer of hope or advice. DS is going to secondary school this year and I am really worried about him. He did well at primary - but had very understanding teachers who didn't mind if he was unable to complete homework (he would just be totally burnt out in the evenings). He suffered from anxiety about school and I worry he will struggle at his next school (particularly if he won't blooming wash!)

I'm just hoping for some words of wisdom/hope/advice I suppose. DS's Dad tells me DS is currently refusing to get out of bed as he has told him no computer until he changes his clothes (which smell of wee apparently). DS is currently ranting and raving at his Dad (who has the patience of a saint thank goodness). I will pass on any words of wisdom to DS Dad also.

Thank you for reading. Sorry it's so long but wanted to give as full a picture as I could. Grateful for any hope/advice re any of the issues.

@IknowIcan, I saw your message and can hear in the words you've used how much you love your son and worry about him. I can't be that useful to you except to say that one of my (NT) brothers went through a non-showering phase around that age.

He'd even go into the bathroom and run the shower, just not get under it. Why? I have no idea and neither did mum.

She eventually got him to do things like just wash his face and she'd he happy with that, and "lend" her his T shirt or shorts and socks for half an hour & she'd put them on a quick wash & dry and give them back.

He seemed to grow out of it (or maybe figured if he had to wash his face, change his T-shirt or shorts and socks he may as well just shower and change). It made the demand smaller. You could also let your son choose which item you can wash if it's somehow the demand that creates the anxiety.

Wishing you all the best.

Dancingshoex - thank you for this. It is helpful to think there is light at the end of the tunnel. Your mum sounds like a very calm and wise woman. Hopefully DS will also grow out of it. Thank you so much for your reply.

It could be the culmination of ockdown affecting him, total change of routine etc.
What's the situation with any other changes? Do you have a current partner? Does he live there? Any changes in family set up?

DS(1) (ASD) (13yrs) has found lockdown very tricky. Getting him in the shower takes a UN negotiation, he has refused to have his hair cut, refuses to leave the house, barely brushes his teeth, sometimes struggles with eating if everything is not 'right', getting him to do school work again takes a UN negotiation. Any perceived pressure or 'not rightness' results in stomping, shouting and slamming doors.

I think there are many factors involved. The whole lockdown business, ASD, and puberty. In my experience puberty and ASD can be a nightmare combination and couple this with this 'unnatural' situation is a recipe for disaster!

Sorry I have no answers.

I have found reading stuff about PDA really useful for some ideas in dealing with DS1. If I remember I try and give him 'controlled choices' - would you like your shower in the evening or morning? Would you like to put your dirty clothes in your bedroom washing basket or in the bathroom? Would you like this pair of clean clothes or this? It sometimes works but not always! Whilst DS1 has not got a diagnosis of PDA and would not meet the criteria for a diagnosis it is still useful.

Daisydaisy3

Thanks - yes actually - no changes at my home (I have lived with my husband since my son was 3) and we have a great shared care arrangement with DS Dad.

However his Dad recently moved out (during lockdown) of his partners home where he had been living for several years and where my son would have stayed with him for several nights a week.

I think the not seeing his Dad for weeks at the start of lockdown unsettled DS - he was fine for the first few weeks and then by about the fifth week he started really struggling. He has been staying with his Dad loads since then however and refusing to stay with me!

The loss of routine also will have unsettled him - although tbh he was great for about the first four weeks of lockdown. Then it all fell apart.

lorisparkle

This all sounds incredibly familiar! That is exactly like my son. He wasn't always like this, or at least not so frequently. He has generally a cheerful sort of 'easy going' personality unless he gets fixed in an idea of how things 'should' be. More and more now we are tiptoeing around him to avoid aggravating him. It actually does resonate with a lot of the PDA type behaviours.

I don't know what to do. He has now stopped brushing his teeth. He is banned from sweets and his computer due to the not washing and also he is having tantrums (lasting several hours) at bedtime now

I'm really worried he is on a downhill spiral.

Meant to say sorry for the delay in replying- thank you all so much for your kind replies!

That sounds really tough @IknowIcan we have found ds1 has slightly turned a corner. I had a bit of a heart to heart with him yesterday and told him how worried I was and asked him what he thought would help. He said that he was finding the mornings tough so we agreed a strategy together and he has been much more willing to do stuff that he is meant to in the afternoons. I remembered another book which I found exceptionally useful when ds was younger called 'easier happier calmer parenting' I think now you can get one specifically for teenagers.