What would you do in this situation?

[chisigirl]

Hello

I feel a bit of a fraud posting on this board (although have done once in the past) as I am very aware that many of you are Mums to DC with significant SN and have a lot on your plates. But I feel like I don't know what to do next and thought someone else's point of view might help...

Some background...

Last year, DS1 was in a nursery class. Although he enjoyed going there, his behaviour caused concern for both the teachers and my DH & I. He didn't join in or pay as much attention as much as expected and started saying/doing inappropriate things. (e.g. "i'm going to kill you" while playing with other children or actually being too rough with them.) The school was very supportive and I had meetings with the SENCO and his teachers. They initiated a home-school communication book. To cut a long story, Aspergers was suggested to me (by a HV) and as a result my DS was assessed by a dev paed this summer. The dev Paed saw us for about 1.5 hours and said that from what she'd seen/heard/read about DS1, he was probably not on the autistic spectrum. However she did agree with our/the school's view that his behaviour is extreme.

Now... moving on to this school year. DS1 has just started reception in the same school. He was well-behaved for the first 1.5 weeks. However yesterday I found out that, at lunchtime, after 2 warnings, he pulled down another boy's trousers and kicked him. DH and I have had to sign a letter acknowledging this incident. The letter stated that DS1 could be excluded for that type of behaviour.

We are meeting with the classteacher on Thursday morning. But beyond that, we really don't know what to do. Any suggestions? thoughts? I am just so sad at the thought that at the age of 4, and less than 2 weeks into the school year, DS1 is facing short-term exclusion.

many many thanks in advance

Message withdrawn

Firstly, please dont feel you're not welcome here- its supposed to be a resource for all concerned aprents, not an exclusive club (had to emphasise that fter criticisms I amde of another thread earlier LOL)

Ok, now assuming that your ds isn't AS that doesn't mean he doesn't have traits, as many peolpe in the population doa nd theyca n vary in intensity. So could it be that he ahs AS traits ina reas linked to transitins? meaning absically that he is struggling with the move to more formal schooling? becasue if he ahd received the AS label, they would have expected it to happen.

have you considered implementing the same tactics as you would had he recieved a diagnosis? As a first off, I would start with a visual timetable- there are usually some on ebay which you can either buy or copy- as most smal kids benefit from them tbh. Then I would be looking at three other interventions- fuirstlya home school book so youa nd aschool can identify patterns and communicate. Then perhaps look on websites for example of social stories as a way of communicating to him how to modify his behaviours appropriately- personally again, i think these are excellent and far under utilised with any child, NT or SN.

Finally I would be looking at how he retells the story- with ds1 that enabled us to identify significant agps in his understanding of cause and effect- eg he didnt understand that if he pushed X, X would hit him- he would just report that X was bullying him. This is part of his AS / HFA, but identifying us helped us to work on it, or at least accept it.

Hopefullyy u'll find something ehre that helsp- good luck!

Sorry to hear that you've not had the best start to term. I think I'd want to find out what the school is doing to support your son in settling into Reception. Given that it's the same school they should have been aware of his needs in advance so for example if the home-school communication book system worked well in the nursery is this being continued? What strategies are they actually using for his behaviour?

Agree with everything peachy said. Ds doesn't have a dx and probably wont get one but he has traits of AS and ADhd and paed says to treat him as though he has ASD. This works for us.

Come and talk on here anytime I don't know what i would have done if i hadn't found MN when DS first started school.

Thanks everyone for the warm welcome and the advice and comments.

Essbeehindyou, I don't know what makes him do these things. I asked him and he said "well, Child x told me he wasn't my friend." But when I probed further, turns out Child X had this to him back when they were in the nursery class together! And, tbh, he does actually like Child x, even though is perhaps a bit wary of him. So I replied, "Well, even if you are not friends, you shouldn't hit him.". We have no app't to see the dev paed again but she did say (and write in her report) that if things started to go wrong in reception, that she would investigate further, perhaps observe him in classroom setting.

The reasons the dev. paed. said for him likely not having ASD were that it seems he does understand that certain behaviours are not appropriate, just doesn't stop himself from doing them. We can actually have completely rational/logical discussions in which he explains why what he did was wrong, why he shouldn't do it, etc. But it doesn't stop him from doing these things.

The reasons the HV gave for suggesting ASD in the first place were that he doesn't seem to "get" that his behaviour makes people sad/angry, that he doesn't appear to understand the "rules" of social interaction very well. The HV then backtracked and started to say she didn't think it was ASD and didn't want to refer him.

Peachy those are some really good suggestions. I am going to try and do the things you mentioned. I would say that when he was younger (2 and 3) he did get stressed about transition. But I think he has actually outgrown that to some extent. Certainly he seemed quite keen on starting school and as he's a chap who generally lets you know when he's unhappy about something, I think we'd know if he didn't want to be there. I think he is anxious about having to learn to read/write. Part of him is sooo excited and part of him is apprehensive.

Reiver, the reason the home school communication book stopped this school year was that his new class teacher wanted him to have a "fresh start", the chance to put last year's antics behind him. Which I thought was actually a good idea but if the inappropriate behaviour (for want of a better phrase, wasn't there some thread that kicked off about that recently?!) Good point about what strategies they are taking this year. I'll write that down so I remember to ask at our meeting with the teacher on Thursday.

Dustystar, that's interesting that your DS doesn't have a DX either. How is he getting on these days? I have a feeling I may be back on this board this school year! sigh.

again, thanks everyone for taking the time. DS1 is just so sweet when he's one on one but put him with his peers with little supervision and it all goes to pot!

• chisigirl

it may be the case that observation by an Ed Psych (school to arrnage) may be mroe appropriate at this stage? It is certainly how things are manged here, and the more input you get the better. Plus, first aped DS1 saw said exactly what yours did- second OPPaed diagnosed him in two visits (as things were falling apaprt rapidly). The can cope 1-1 but goes to pot in a group situation certainly seems to be familiar!

have a look on the NAS (National Austistic Society) webiste at the Triad of Impairments, you know your child and his motivations better than anyone- you will know how well he does or doesn't fit the criterion

Peachy, do you mind if I asked what age your DS was first assessed and what age he was diagnosed? I'm getting the impression that the older the child, the easier/more obvious it is to diagnose.... do you think that's accurate?

It's funny, I've read the "triad" list several times now. Sometimes, I think it fits his behaviour, other times I feel it doesn't at all. Either way, I would like someone to see him in school environment, rather than in a doctor's office or at our house where he is likely to be his charming, chatty, engaging self.

Ds1- assessed first at 3, a dx at 6.

DS3- assessed first again at 3 (he had a regression, so different to ds1)- still no dx at 4, he rpesent with complicated symptoms that include but are not limited to an ASD, such as a more general delay.

It isn't certain ds3 wille ver get a dx, tbh, as he is complex in some ways, APed feels that a dx may not be appropriate at thsi stage certainly.

Certainly get him looked at in school- for ds1 his issues mainly manfest at home as a result of what is happening ats chool; for others the reverse is true. It can be quite fiddly!

It really is complicated, this dx business, isn't it? not as cut and dry as I first imagined... That sounds really tough with both DS1 and DS3 with ASD issues...

Well, I'd better go and wade through a pile of laundry that's waiting for me. Good night, Peachy, and thanks.