My son is struggling :-(

[SpideyMom]

It's breaking my heart.

He is 5 with suspected autism. He is becoming very emotional and anxious at things touching him. As fine as he appears he is obsessively washing his hands. Every few minutes! though I am trying my hardest to stop this but its causing him alot of upset. Anything he touches he then goes to wash his hands. Anything that touches him he goes into a meltdown saying he hates it. He has also started over tightening the taps to the point in need to get them replaced.

I'm not long out the shower and my foot touched him slightly. This sparked a massive crying fit how he doesnt like me for making him dirty. The other night his foot touched a cushion and he touched it. He was fast to go to wash his hands and I asked him to not. He was so upset that he had to as his foot has touched the cushion.

I am trying my best to reassure him but nothing is working. I want to blame myself but at no point have I told him to wash his hands like this. Ive never had to tell him really. He just knows when to but this is extreme.

He has also started to blink repeatedly for alot of the day and is communicating to people by hissing and when I correct him he says he is a cat. He is not a rude boy but the hissing when spoken to comes across rude and he has never done this in response to people before.

He seems to be struggling more by the day.

This sounds really hard, he must be very anxious. Was he like this before the Coronavirus and now exacerbated or is it new behaviour?

This is new behaviour. But his always done little things which has sent him down the assessment path but I have never experienced this with him.

He used to have meltdowns about anything touching his body, so socks, shoes, coats, hats, gloves, in fact any item of clothing hurts him. We have managed to sort of overcome that but some things he will still refuse, like no soft clothes, he wont wear anything on his hands and it's a battle with his coat even when the weather is terrible.

When he started school everything got bad again. He struggles and is overly emotional about how he hates it and he doesnt get it and finds it hard to concentrate. He sometimes hums and rolls his eyes for not apparent reason at all. He will often tell teachers he is bored of the work but not have a clue what his doing.

There are other things but they were livable and no where near as bad as now. The schools have been shut for a while now. It's only been the last 2 weeks I have been able to get him in the garden! He has a tantrum whenever we have to leave the house so I decided to talk to him about our plans for the day when we do need to go out. It's always 'ok mom' until it's time to get ready. He cries but it's a very distressing cry and I find it so so hard.

This hand washing though is nothing I have ever experienced with him before. I have started to tell him no. He tells me ok, but then will come back in the room with wet hands, and then I raise my voice that I do not expect him to lie to me. When I tell him no he puts forward a case of why he needs to and panics that he cant do it. I am trying to reassure him there is no need to be doing this as much as he is. It's only his hands though. If he could, he would go without a bath. I bath him every day. I always have, and its never ever been a problem. But since lockdown its takes more than half an hour of him screaming to get him in the water. So I cant understand why he hates being bathed but needs to obsessively wash his hands.

I'm finding it draining. Its just me and him at home. His dad isnt involved. I love and idolise my boy more than anything in the world, but I feel a crappy Mom admitting that I am finding this hard when he is my child

Poor boy sounds really anxious. Do you think some visuals would help? Like maybe a poster of all the times we need to wash hands (before eating/after going out etc) and all the times we don't and putting it up by the sink. Please ignore if you don't think it will help.

My boy (9 no diagnosis) has been doing a lot of hissing/growling/barking but he used to do this when he was younger, in fact he was almost always in character. I used to find it cute and engage with it but I suspect it was a coping strategy - a way of imposing his order on a confusing world. However there is an aggressive quality to his current make believe and he keeps barking at the neighbourhood dogs! He is struggling too.

It's so sad.

My son always seems to be in character too. In fact I have never known him answer anyone other than me, and his nan and grandad without putting on a voice and generally acting silly and mumbling his words. To most he comes across rude but I seem his reaction very differently.

I keep telling him he will give himself poorly hands. That I am proud that he understands it's important to wash them but he is doing it so much that he will make them very sore.

He responds anxiously to nearly everything I am asking him at the moment. Even down to asking him what he wants for breakfast. He panics, starts breathing heavy and get all flushed.

I honestly dont know how he is going to go back to school, or how I am going to get him through the doors

There have been a number of ebooks published which explain the virus to children. They may be useful if you haven’t already used them. Likewise, a social story about when we wash hands might be good. Or a poster as PP said.

He definitely has sensory issues. Have you read The out of sync child? This will help you identify what these sensory issues are and give you ideas on how to help support them.

I agree that a visual timetable may help him with daytime transitions but it’s possible that he is scared about leaving the house for the same reason he’s washing his hands - fear of germs. I’m afraid I don’t know the best way to tackle this but I think that acknowledging his fear might be important.

Is there a reason you’re forcing a bath every day? My ds had a bath every evening since he was tiny but now he has periods where he doesn’t want to even though he enjoys it when he does. When this happens I insist on twice a week and he’s ok with that. Sometimes he likes to have a bath in the daytime instead. Unless he’s very dirty I don’t see it as essential at this age, it was more of a routine thing.

Up until the age of 4 my ds was the opposite. He loved baths and liked to play in water but refused to wash his hands. Then one day he did and he’s been ok since. These things can change suddenly.

I will look that book up. Thank you.

He is aware of the virus but we dont talk about it. So I cant even blame coronavirus for his spike in fear of germs.

Bath time was more routine which I found was crucial for him. Maintaining a routine helped us manage everything. Once his in the next battle is getting him out. But I've tried my best to keep routine for the most part but admit not for all

Sounds really tough. Mine won't go in the garden either unless I put food out there . I'm finding lockdown hard now as although my social circle is pretty small normally, DS and DP(who works long hours) are just not quite enough.

DS had a really bad time in reception, but things improved for him in year 1 and 2 as things were more structured and less free-flow. As he has got older, I have learnt to understand him better, eg I have realised that the sensory stuff is a really big deal for him, whereas before I just thought he was acting up.

Your post suggests that you are pursuing assessment for him and it sounds like the right thing to do. My boy is floundering without a diagnosis. I wonder if you could bath him less often if it is such a big fight. Or maybe tell him that cats like baths, I know there are some breeds that actually do.

Seeking diagnosis is purely to be able to offer the correct support. The idea of him struggling through life really does upset me. Like with school. I dont care if he isnt the brightest child, but it honestly breaks my heart to think he is sitting in class not having a clue what he has to do. He has started telling me he is stupid and other kids are better than him. It's hard as he has such an incredible mind. And though he struggles academically, more specialist subjects he loves, like the human body and the solar system. To the point I have to Google what he is telling me to discover he is correct.

I will hold off bathing every night. I guess I wanted to keep some sort of normality and routine for him.

Thanks for all your advice

Morning. I've ordered that book, The Out of Sync Child so I'm looking forward to reading that when it arrives

That sounds really hard. Sending you virtual support. It’s such a difficult time for kids (and parents). Both my DS and my DD are showing signs of anxiety. DS is 6 and was in the process of a diagnosis for ADHD and possible ASD. He was doing ok Pre-lockdown, but now has lots of new ticks and anxiety around change (switching off the TV or going outside. Pretty much anything!). He is also flat out refusing to do any schoolwork that’s been sent by the school and says that he’s forgotten everything. His ADHD means he is constantly jumping and running and moving. He seems so anxious and that’s brought out a lot of new repetitive behaviours. I spoke to young minds about it and two things that they said resonated. Firstly, just get through today and try make it a happy day for yourself and your family. Secondly, what is happening with your child at the moment does not predict his future. Good luck! X

@Beckwey wow sounds very much like my boy. His been a challenge today. I could cry. He too cant sit still, and is jumping and throwing himself off stuff. I've found things with him really difficult today. He has always done as his told but I am sick of him telling me no at the moment. He is digging his heels in so much. As for school I'm trying my bloody best. But he is also saying his forgot everything.
Lockdown is so hard x

Hope you have a better day today! I’m just trying to take things day by day at the moment, as the only thing that’s constant on lockdown is family and that can feel like a lot of pressure. In time all the support networks will be back in place and we’ll see our kids start to do better again. But for now, I’ve just had to realise that it is impossible for me to be 24-7 replacement for all the things that were there before, family, friends, school, clubs, psychological support etc. I’m sure you’re doing a brilliant job given the situation we’re all in. One thing the young minds psychologist said is that they’re seeing a huge spike in demand with kids with anxiety and that if your child does has SEN, anxiety can be more visible. She recommended a book for me to complete with my kids called “starving the anxiety gremlin”. I have ordered it, but it’s not arrived yet, so I can’t comment on how well it works. I found the young minds helpline was amazing, just to have someone to talk with about all the challenges we’re facing with my DS at the mo. Definitely worth a call if you ever feel at your wits end. Going to go and ask my kids to turn off the tv now - Deep breath!! 🤣

Morning.

Thank you for your advice. I really do appreciate it x