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SN children

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Original poster

advice please- do you think i should explain about ds1 (AS) to another mum following party fiasco???

23 replies

indiasmum · 17/09/2007 10:35

ds1 (9) went to a party on saturday. i should have remembered after all these yrs that it was bound to end in disaster. he started at new school in jan and has been getting on well with his peers. obv not many of the parents know he has AS as its not needed to tell them iyswim.
but, he went to a party on saturday and lots of the parents were there as well. i knew when i went to pick him up that things were about to kick off from his face that had 'that look'. i'm sure you know the one i mean!

anyway, after much effort i managed to get him to leave and tried prompting him to say thank you to host. ended up pushing him towards her with my knees in stupid comedy fashion. so e stands in front of her (and a group of other mums from school) and says something like 'i dunno why i have to do this....... thanks' in a really aggressive and sarky way. i apologised and dragged him to car and we had tears and upset all the way home (always the same after someone elses party though he is never normally out and out rude!- oh except for last time he got into an arguement with someones dad- must have blockedt that from my memory!).

so now i am wondering if i should say something and try and explain. or maybe writing her a note. i dont want to seem as though i am making excuses but equally i want them to know that he is actually a nice boy and that its the party situation he cant cope with rather than he doesnt know how to behave.
i guess i feel as it stands its reflected really badly on me as his mother and am ashamed to say that i felt ashamed of him.
what would you do? i dont know how to approach it. am hoping if i tell her she might mention it in passing to some of other mums who were there at the time. or am i being awful even thinking about it?

any advice gratefully recieved. i will see her aat 3is so can you get back to me before then?

OP posts:

ellis65 · 17/09/2007 10:44

Hi I have a 15 year old daughter with no diagnosis and to be honest if she acted in this way, i wouldn't apologise, they are bound to notice your child being different, and i would just let it go, why should you feel ashamed of your son. He is what and who he is for a reason, he is 'special' society can be really cruel and naive. let it go.

Original poster

indiasmum · 17/09/2007 10:48

i know i shouldnt feel ashamed perhaps thats the wrong word. part of it is i guess i dont want them to look on him differently and worst of all to perhaps stop inviting him to things or heaven forbid try and stop his friends from being friends with him.

OP posts:

coppertop · 17/09/2007 10:49

The key thing is that you want them to know that he couldn't cope and wasn't being rude. There was a thread yesterday about a 7yr-old at a party and a lot of people posted that they thought he was rude. Very few considered the possibility of the boy having SN. It's likely that the parents at the party may be thinking the same. I would speak to the mother if you feel comfortable about doing it face-to-face or send a letter if not.

IMHO you're not being awful. Your ds is relatively new to the school and you want to stop people getting the wrong idea about him.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

macwoozy · 17/09/2007 10:57

I would give a brief explanation, without knowing, she might just consider your ds to be a rude child and unfortunately it does reflect on the parent, god I should know, I've had many bad looks from other parents when my ds shouts and screams at me.

Would your ds be O.K about other children in his class knowing about his AS, just in case this info passes down to the children? Although my ds is statemented and the children in his class knows he has some sort of SN, he tells me not to tell anyone about it, (even his doctor!) as it's just our secret!!

ellis65 · 17/09/2007 10:58

Perhaps you should have a little chat with the mum, i'm sure she'll be ok about it, and maybe she will pass it onto other parents. I think parents are less accepting of sn kids, i find children just accept kids for what they are.

Saturn74 · 17/09/2007 11:05

I know those feelings all too well, indiasmum, although DS2 couldn't cope at school, and loved parties, for some reason.

So on the rare occasion that he actually got invited to a party by a fellow pupil, I always got (less than tactful) comments from parents such as "oh, he didn't cause any problems at all, we were SO surprised!" or "he's such a nightmare in school, but he was really kind and helpful here".

I agree with ellis, in that a quiet word with the mother of the birthday child might be helpful. Just to explain that your DS sometimes finds social situations a bit difficult, and that his coping mechanisms are developing, but it is still tough for him on occasions.

Maybe even invite her and her child round to your house to re-establish the positive friendships.

Original poster

indiasmum · 17/09/2007 11:06

thanks girls. i am pleased to hear you think i am not being ridiculous. i just want to do whats best. the mother in question is nice enough but quite 'distant' i that she seems quite aloof. i dont think ds would mind his friends knowing he has it tbh. he is in a very small school- only 10 or 11 in a class and they are all very supportive of each other at break time etc but that also means if any parents did decide it would be best for their child to not be friends with him, he hasnt got many others to choose from and obv i dont want him isolated like he was in his old (much bigger much scarier) school.

OP posts:

anniebear · 17/09/2007 11:29

I would defo have a quick word and just explain

will make you feel betetr also!

Peachy · 17/09/2007 11:35

I've always explained, but whether that or ds1's surliness was responsible I dont know but he's lucky to get an invite a year now.

Maybe 'I am ever so sorry, he's a bit shy' would suffice if you're not totally comfortable with disclosure?

Do think that if you choose to disclose (I alwways have done) you can gurantee everyone in school will know

cornsilk · 17/09/2007 11:39

That's a tricky one indiasmum. Maybe you could say something to the mum about him finding parties difficult but that you're so grateful he was invited etc

ellis65 · 17/09/2007 11:59

thanks HumpreyCushion, i also agreed with your suggestion that you should perhaps ask the mother and child round to your house, where your son will be more comfortable in his own surroundings and the mum can see for herself that your child is no monster, he is just that little bit different from her child.

RnB · 17/09/2007 12:09

Message withdrawn

ellis65 · 17/09/2007 12:16

Go RnB!!

Blossomhill · 17/09/2007 12:26

Hi. Know this too well as my dd who is 8 has been like this in the past.
I would just say that he has some communication difficulties and leave it at that. You don't have to explain exactly what your ds's difficulties are. I don't tell everyone about dd as tbh it's none of their business!
Maybe when he goes to a party stay or get there a bit late/leave earlier so that he doesn't have the full sensory overload going on.
Good luck

Blossomhill · 17/09/2007 12:27

Sorry RnB crossed posts there. Taken me about 20 mins! Just go with what you are comfortable with. I just find it hard telling people when dd doesn't know herself yet and wouldn't like her finding out second hand iykwim

Original poster

indiasmum · 17/09/2007 12:28

rnb, i always get the sympathy thing too. tis soooo patronising esp when you know there are so many people with it so much harder!
i even got someone randomly messaging me on facebook saying how she thought i was amazing bringing up 2 kids with asd and really licking my ass wtf?!!! i didnt even know her!

perhaps she fancied me lol

OP posts:

Original poster

indiasmum · 17/09/2007 12:30

xposts!
ds does know about it himself so thats not something i have to worry about. in fact he is quite 'self-aware' and it may even be beneficial if some of his friends knew- he could educate them. can just picture him in front of class with powerpoint presentation lol!

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Original poster

indiasmum · 17/09/2007 16:09

well, i had a word with her. she smiled politely and then went on to said all kids are like that. i bit my tongue. i dont think she understood. oh well, perhaps she will pass it on and someone else might explain it to her.
thanks for all your help

OP posts:

cornsilk · 17/09/2007 16:12

Indiasmum - It's so annoying when people say that isn't it!

Original poster

indiasmum · 17/09/2007 16:30

cornsilk, isnt it just?! you just want them to have a day or two in your place and then see if they still think 'all kids do that'. i dont know if they do it in a poor attempt to empathise and to make you feel batter. it doesnt work though, just makes me

OP posts:

Original poster

indiasmum · 17/09/2007 16:30

better obv not batter lol!

OP posts:

Tiggiwinkle · 17/09/2007 16:30

It is a dilemma,isn't it? I tend to mention it- at least people will hopefully become more informed about AS if we talk about it! So many still seem unaware about it, and as someone mentioned earlier, are only too ready to put things down as bad behaviour.

flyingmum · 17/09/2007 17:21

I can imagine my just 7 year old (NT) son doing virtually the same as your son. He's a pleasant, happy chap who loves parties but recently has turned into a rude grumply little sod at times. At the last party I was seeking out the mum for him to say 'thank you very much etc etc' and all he wanted was the party bag and kept saying really loudly 'can we go NOW' in a very bratty way. I wanted to curl up and die. My eldest who has ASD and other stuff used to like parties if they were at ball pools but not if they had interractive games like football. I have to say he didn't get invited to many and the comment 'does he do parties then?' did get to me somewhat - like what do they expect - he's going to tear the wall paper off? Any way I'll stop rambling but to say that I am very guilty that thinking that every crass thing my eldest does is down to his ASD (which quite often it is) but other children do do these things as well - which I am now discovering with boy number 2. Highly likely the woman does just think 'all kids are like that' and her child has been similarly embarrasing in a social situation (flatly refusing to kiss hairy great aunt agatha or something).

Hope this makes sense.

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