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Lockdown with an autistic son and husband

3 replies

cola2019 · 29/04/2020 10:05

Being cooped up together through lockdown is so hard. My son (diagnosed) and husband (not diagnosed!!) are both autistic and they don't get on at the best of times - let alone now when they are together all the time. They have extremely similar traits and anxcieties but are also very different. My husband cannot cope with any type of mess noise or disorder so being at home with 2 children who are needing to do school work. times when they do art and craft , cooking and baking, and an 11 yr old son who is dance crazy tips him over the edge. It is impossible to have an immaculate and quiet house at this time. I have to work 2 days a week but my husband can not stay home with them because they push him to breaking point - my son knows that his dad doesn't like him so he purposely winds him up by putting his music on loud or getting the craft stuff out and putting pencils on the floor etc. He also loves saying the f word on repeat. My husband NEVER praises him for anything - he thinks he is weird and is embarassed by his creativity so cannot watch him when he performs. My son is struggling all his acting classes and shows have been cancelled so he just dances and acts at home now. My husband relishes his own company and in the school time because he works shift work he got some of this but not now. I am telling him he has to relax and let them dance, do craft , cook and bake but he says the house is being wrecked. In the school time he keeps it immaculate cleaning is his obsession he will spend a whole morning shining the door knobs and then when someone touches it to open the door and leaves a finger mark he says his whole time of shining them to perfection is wasted. He will not change his little ways to fit around us (especially my son). My son hates loud noises and the hoover so i only hoover when he s outside but my husband will hoover when he deems necessary (every 2 hours!!!) and this just makes my son meltdown. My son is also scared of people entering our garden so when I am home I always have the gates shut just to make him feel safe but my DH will not do this as he says this is his child dictating to him. I am a key worker and need to work two days a week - I can't leave the kids with anyone due to the crisis so what do I do. I cannot leave them alone they will nearly kill each other with their stubborness towards each others quirks.

OP posts:
starpatch · 02/05/2020 17:43

I am sorry OP no useful advice but that must be so hard. Its stressful when your children's needs and adults need clash at the best of times, but lockdown is very intense. That's very sad to hear about your son having unnecessary meltdowns, I am sure a lot of families are struggling at the moment. It might be worth talking to the school and explaining that you know your husband has autism and he can't be the children's carer, in case the school may consider taking them as you are a keyworker. If your son has an EHCP he should have a school place too and personally I would send him.

HotPenguin · 06/05/2020 21:44

Oh this sounds hard, can you work out some sort of compromise whereby your husband keeps one room immaculate, e.g. the lounge, and the children can do their craft and mess making in the kitchen? Both sides need to compromise and try to meet the others' needs.

If your DH needs to be in charge of the children can you agree fixed activities outside the house, e.g. bike ride, and then watching TV or playing on the computer so that your DH isn't having to deal with the mess?

If your DH really does dislike your son then that isn't fair and he needs to sort this out but lockdown probably isn't the best time to work on tricky relationships.

HotPenguin · 06/05/2020 21:45

Oh and why not buy a hoover with a quiet mode? My son hates noise but is ok with our hoover turned to quiet.

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