To feel sad about all the things we're missing out on

[Lafoosa]

Hiya, I just want to vent really.
Our daughter is 2 next month and she hasn't been diagnosed with anyone yet because our referrals have all been put on hold due to CV.
But she doesn't point, wave, talk, kiss or do any imaginative play. So we're fairly sure she has ASD, which people in both mine and my OH's family have. So there's genetically quite a high likelihood.
Anyhow, I feel sad that all the parts of parenting that make the tough bits worth it she doesn't do. She screams most of the time and has tantrums about everything.
I feel sad seeing other people's children talk to them and give them kisses, I feel like we're missing out and I just wish for even one day we could have that too.
I'm tired of the constant 24/7 screaming, it feels like we don't get any of the good parts of parenting. The good times are like 1/10 and by the end of everyday I'm so stressed out from her constant horrible behaviour that I just want to tear my hair out. I'm sad that she can't just learn like other kids and communicate with me. I can't even do signing with her because she won't copy any hand gestures.
I want to have conversations with her, I want her to learn how to give kisses and wave and blow bubbles. But she won't, and I'm worried that she never will.
I find it difficult when we see people on the street and they think she's rude because she doesn't talk back to them when she's spoken to, but all she can say is mama, dada and nana, and she doesn't use them correctly.
My niece is a year younger than her and has already overtaken her in every way, and my other sister is constantly comparing them both and saying thinking like "oh but what if R is slower that T forever, what would you do?".

I’m sure everything is exacerbated by being in lockdown. It can be very difficult when you know your child is not developing typically

Does your area offer portage services? Have a google and see because this is probably something that would help you, though possibly not available until lockdown has lifted and probably a waiting list.

The Hanen book More than words is a great book to help foster communication. It’s pricey but much cheaper than private speech and language therapy.

There are many resources on YouTube - Nurturing Neurodiversity, Chirp etc. that will offer support and practical tips for communication and behaviour issues.

Your sister is being unhelpful and, frankly, cruel by making such comments IMO. Personally I would put a stop to that. Your dd is young and she will make progress in her own time and with your help. Try to keep a list and write down all the positives and progress that she makes.

Often those things can come in time as they are learned, rather than innate, behaviours. My DS only started pointing to show joint interest once he started school and saw the other children doing it and he had some 1 to 1 help to see the point of it. Now he's more verbal he can explain that he assumed me and him noticed the same things. He dresses himself, says I love you, etc. But he is very sensory, hates some noises but barrels at you for a bear hug! Much spinning, loud singing, repetitive routines required. But he's clever, kind, funny, and we have so much fun as a family alongside our challenges.

Ah, she's so little! It's not called the Terrible Twos for nothing - it's not just you and it's not just her I promise.

You sound really stressed, which is completely understandable in the current situation.

I don't know if you've read How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen. It's a general parenting book but it has good stuff on autism. But the messages and approaches to dealing with all the horror of little kids are fantastic - lots of stuff that takes the stress out of getting then to do stuff, helps you become a more chilled out parent.
I really like it. Very simple to flick through. I also recommend the Explosive Child. Just to think about what situations that go bad have in common and then step back and deal with the thing that is actually causing the tantrum.

Don't give a toss about anyone else. My nt 4 year old is rude sometimes. But he's 4. If someone is judging a 2 year old they need a long cold stare in a mirror. Don't sweat that stuff.

Enjoy her

Sorry should have continued...

Do try to value who she is. My child used to ignore her own grandparents waving goodbye at the station. I couldn't care less. She wasn't being purposefully rude. They didn't mind. I actually envy her ability to freeze out people and not care what they think. My favourite was when she stared past a bloke who was doing that whole "give us a smile little darling" thing. Totally and utterly blanked him while I did that automatic thing of smiling even though I felt awkward and i didn't want to interact. I thought she was fantastic.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through, it is really really tough. There are things that can help - the suggestions above are helpful, and I would add researching intensive interaction as this could really help her to engage with you. I expect you know this, but the screaming is likely to be because she can't communicate with you so will most likely improve as she gets older and develops more skills. I know that doesn't help right now though. It might also be worth trying to identify whether there are any sensory sensitivities which could be causing some of the screaming - does she always scream when it is noisy, or when a particular light is on, or at meal times etc. It is a long road and it will continue to be tough, and it is absolutely ok for you to mourn what you are missing, but there are things that can help.
Oh, and your sister is a dick.