Ds is hfa, add, spd, dyspraxic. Diagnosed end of year 6. He's in year 7 now and, prior to lockdown, was flourishing. Not so now, but once this is over he will thrive again.
Since ds’ diagnosis, dh has recognised a lot of his own behaviours and has agreed he is likely hfa as well.
Prior to ds’ dx, dh would get SO cross with him. Dh has (what I now realise are) shutdowns that last days, building up with what I’d consider innocuous things, and finally triggered by small things like ds.not stopping iPad easily when it’s Lunchtime, ds eating noisily, ds eating with fingers instead of knives and forks. I also cause them, as I’m not a naturally tidy person. But dh likes things tidy and in an organised row./pile. Dh’s shutdowns (to most people, they would be viewed as major sulks...) last for up to 2days, and my doc has prescribed beta blockers to cope with the anxiety they cause.
Since ds’s dx, I also now realise that the reason I struggled with life so much for the last 10.5 years is because I’ve been sole parenting a non sleeping, super intelligent aspie. By myself. Because every time ds shutdown, or meltdown, dh would Either get super cross, or shutdown himself into a furious bubble, leaving me to it. I remember the first day of holidays, pre ds’ dx - we were at the beach and it was time to go. I remember having to physically getting in between Dh and ds (who, retrospectively, was overwhelmed with sand, noise and water spd). I had to stop dh literally dragging ds across the sand sad After that incident, dh went and sat with a face like a wet weekend on a seafront bench while I cried whilst buying the kids pizza for tea from a seafront cafe) That was extreme, but this patteRn of events has repeated itself over and over again since.
anyway, the point is, and there are multiple examples I can give, that the minute I leave dh alone with ds, it ends in a huge argument. I never leave them alone together, not even to pop out to the shops.
One other factor I don’t like to admit,but will have to bring up in counselling is that ever since ds was a (never sleeping) baby, I’ve not wanted to dtd. 11 years later, I still don’t. But this .may be because, 6 months in dh had a major rant about his ‘rights’ and didn’t speak to me for a week. This happened a couple of times again plus lots of other things I’ll not go into, before we ‘agreed’ to 3 set nights per week. I now drink far more than is healthy on those 3 nights.
After all this is over I’ll be looking to get counselling to see if it’s my fault or if I can change my attitude to help dh and ds cope. I know my attitude, atm, is short tempered and miserable. Which doesn’t help . If not my fault, if there are strategies for me to cope. But at the moment, I am thinking that if it were just me and my nt ds, I’d leave. She’d struggle initially but eventually thrive.
Don’t get me wrong, dh has moments of being a fab dad. He plays computer games, reads stories etc.
But I can’t work out how Icahn possibly leave.
If dh were alone with ds, with dh having to oversee the asc/pda routine of getting up in the morning, eating breakfast, brushing teeth, getting dressed, Packing bag, getting to school...them homework, clubs, music practice, room tidying and abiding by his hotel standard ocd house rules...it wouldn’t work. Dh would shout, givr endlass ultimatums which would mean they’d end up losing all screen time/pocket money they’d earned. So ds especially would literally end up shrugging ad saying ‘why bother?
Dd would end up being the buffer between them, trying to smooth out the disagreements and please everyone. Not healthy. It wouldn’t only be Ds who would seriously suffer long term mh issues.
So, do I stick it out till ds goes to university? for the sake of ds and dh ?
What did you do?