Aspergers in adults - what does this look like, anyone?

[JuliaandJohn]

Posted last night on the relationships thread about the dreadful relationship that I have with my own mother.
She is unfeeling, emotionless, cold, cold, cold. She never shows any empathy and doesn't know how to FEEL. She has never ever instigated a hug for me when I am upset. She cannot bear to be hugged if she is upset and pulls away roughly.
I am trying to understand my relationship with her better and someone suggested on the board that she might have a condition like Aspergers.
Can any of you ladies shed light? Apologies if this is the wrong place to post this.

... should add I have only seen her upset a couple of times and both times she pushed me away when I tried to hug her

i'm sure someone with light to shed will come along soon but i know You and Yours, on Radio 4, is doing a special week/month on autism -- think the prog today is on Asperger's

check the R4 website

Asperger Syndrome or (Asperger's Disorder) is a neurobiological disorder named for a Viennese physician, Hans Asperger, who in 1944 published a paper which described a pattern of behaviors in several young boys who had normal intelligence and language development, but who also exhibited autistic-like behaviors and marked deficiencies in social and communication skills. In spite of the publication of his paper in the 1940's, it wasn't until 1994 that Asperger Syndrome was added to the DSM IV and only in the past few years has AS been recognized by professionals and parents.

Individuals with AS can exhibit a variety of characteristics and the disorder can range from mild to severe. Persons with AS show marked deficiencies in social skills, have difficulties with transitions or changes and prefer sameness. They often have obsessive routines and may be preoccupied with a particular subject of interest. They have a great deal of difficulty reading nonverbal cues (body language) and very often the individual with AS has difficulty determining proper body space. Often overly sensitive to sounds, tastes, smells, and sights, the person with AS may prefer soft clothing, certain foods, and be bothered by sounds or lights no one else seems to hear or see. It's important to remember that the person with AS perceives the world very differently. Therefore, many behaviors that seem odd or unusual are due to those neurological differences and not the result of intentional rudeness or bad behavior, and most certainly not the result of "improper parenting".

By definition, those with AS have a normal IQ and many individuals (although not all), exhibit exceptional skill or talent in a specific area. Because of their high degree of functionality and their naiveté, those with AS are often viewed as eccentric or odd and can easily become victims of teasing and bullying. While language development seems, on the surface, normal, individuals with AS often have deficits in pragmatics and prosody. Vocabularies may be extraordinarily rich and some children sound like "little professors." However, persons with AS can be extremely literal and have difficulty using language in a social context.

Thanks

nope - that doesn't sound like her. Reasonably normal in every other way.

She is unable to show emotion/empathy/love. She is an icy cold woman. I really feel that she could take me or leave me. No warmth. At the opposite end of the spectrum from an earth mother. Breaks my heart sometimes.

J&J - when you said that your mother is cold and pulls away, it definitely didn't say AS to me. My ds is AS and ADHD and when he is not having a meltdown/strop/tantrum is very very loving and tactile.

Do you think the way she is is attributable to a disorder of some kind or could it be something from her past which you know nothing of? A family tragedy, past relationships - with her mother in particular? I don't know, just speculating, but bearing my own Mum in mind who could be like this occasionally, I just wondered. I know where you are coming from and it used to really upset me but purely because she was my Mum - it probably wouldn't have bothered me had it been anyone else. Please try not to get too upset by it, she may not even realise she is doing this to you.

Thanks Mothernature - perfect timing. I spoke to my ds' classroom assistant today who said they were having problems with him in the class. This may indicate that he needs more medication, but the CA was unaware of what he is like at home, with self harming and odd bouts of beating me up. Anyway, she asked for some information on AS and I just copied, pasted and printed your info as it seemed to pretty much sum it all up...thanks.

AS is seen as being at the milder end of the autistic spectrum. If your mother is on the spectrum she may well have autism rather than AS. I did read your original thread as I've had similar problems with my own family in the past and I must admit that AS/ASD did spring to mind.

The dislike of being hugged is fairly common with autism. My own ds1 likes hugs but only if they are strictly on his terms. There is an element of hugs sometimes being physically painful and also the dislike of having your personal space invaded. Ds1 finds it hard to tolerate other children sitting too close to him because he quite literally needs his own space.

Ds1 doesn't instinctively understand emotions at all. The few things that he DOES know are things that he has been actively taught. If no-one taught him these things then he would probably still not understand emotions even as an adult. There is also the element of not knowing/realising that other people's feelings are different to your own. If you view other people as walking and talking objects then you would no more expect them to have feelings than you would expect a table or chair to IYSWIM.

Ds1 also has no instinct for social skills. Again everything has to be taught. He doesn't know what is expected of him in a social situation unless someone makes a point of telling him.

Does this sound a little more familiar?

My mum thinks her mum had AS or something. Her mum was a single parent in the 1950s of 3 kids by 3 different dads and that was very unusual in those days but her mum didnt have any shame over it.
Her experiences were noone in her house ever said Hello, Goodbye or Goodnight. She realised when her mum died she knew nothing about her as there were never any conversations.
Her mum had a wicked sense of humour and her idea of fun was knowing where her childrens clothes/shoes/money was and not telling them and laughing hyterically when they were missing the once and hour bus because of it.
The one thing that sticks in my mums mind is when she had her first baby and had been living away for sometime and returned to see her mum to show off her beuatiful baby she jumped off the bus to give her mum a hug and her mum recoiled in horror and pushed her away
Not sure if thats any help and dont know if it is or was but my mum thinks it was something along those lines.
She never showed she cared, but she would have had the children put into homes if she hadnt, yet she worked all the hours god had to provide for them.

I don't know though coppertop - I posted on JandJ's thread in relaitonships and said the opposite to you kind of (although I did say that often hugs etc can be too much- a sensory thing). I have just spent the last hour and a half with ds1 wrapped around me kissing me though! One thing that people always comment on about ds1 is that he is very very affectionate (to adults- he needs children to give him more space).

I tend to think the whole emotion/affection thing is a bit of a red herring in autism as it just seems to vary so much (which I suppose makes sense as everyone will vary in their sensory issues/understanding of theory of mind etc).

I think things like taking things very literally, not being able to see another point of view, some sign of sensory problems- which the pulling away from hugs could be- may be a better indication of AS in an adult.

i looked at the original thread, and one thing that made me think that it wasn't that likely to be Aspergers was the different treatment of one daughter to another -there seemed to be something manipulative/control games going on in withholding affection/approval from J&J, that sounded like more of an issues from the past thing than an ASD thing.

Just caught up with the thread in relationships and agree with MTS.