Preschool want our son testing for Mild Autism

[SarahEllis12]

With all that's going in on the world, this doesn't seem like a big issue, but right now it's all I can think of.

In November my DS (4) moved from nursery to preschool. We did it because we thought I had a change of job coming, and the morning run would be easier. It's also part of a primary school, so he could stay there for a few years.

The change has been hard on our son, as he misses his friends. He's also struggled to make friends at the preschool and friendships seemed formed and he was shunned a lot. Slowly but surely, he's made friends with one boy and a few girls and is doing better.

At least we thought so, until parents evening, when we were told that they believe our son has Aspergers . They want to get a SENCO in to assess him. Obviously, I want the best for my son, and if he needs support then we want him to have it. I'm just not sure that autism (later called mild autism ) is his issue.

It's not been mentioned at his nursery.

During the parents evening, only his teacher was present and she told us that we needed to talk about some challenging behaviours. My husband asked if we were talking something like general disruptive behaviour or more serious like autism. The teacher looked shocked and said, no, nothing like that at all.

The head of early years then came over and sat down. She explained that she thought our son has Aspergers (later she corrected to autistic then mlld autistic) and needs to be tested. The teacher stayed quiet and had a look of frustration or disagreement on her face.

The behavioural issues were that he doesn't like to sit still during lunch, although they admit he does during his activities. He cries if someone won't play with him and will cry even if they accidentally brush against him or knock him over.

He's also overly affectionate with the other children, hugging them. I've seen before that if a child rejects him, he will typically go and get some toys to go and play with them or as an olive branch.

The final issue and I think the most serious is that sometimes when playtime ends he doesn't want to stop what he's doing. Apparently this has gotten better, by letting him know that he can continue with his drawing, lego etc at the next break.

They also said he's very bright for his age and possibly not being challenged enough.

That's their assessment, I'll add my own thoughts.

He generally doesn't have tantrums or meltdowns, but he's had a few recently over going to preschool as he doesn't like it.

He's a very caring, compassionate boy with both us and his friends outside of pre school. His language skills are advanced for his age and he's big for his age. A few boys have started hitting him at preschool, but he never hits back and he's told us that hitting is always wrong. One of these boys is disabled and as such no action is taken when he hits and kicks my son.

As I mentioned, my son has slowly started to make friends, although he's quite bullied and shunned by some of the other kids. As we are being given this news by the head of early years, our son is on the other side of the room, pretending to be planes with his friend, and they fly after each other and talk in silly voices.

In other words, his imagination isn't an issue.

Although I don't really know his friend's mums well, I've discovered that his best friend is also being put through the same assessment for autism.

I do think he has anxiety, but I think this comes down to bullying and the difficulty of making friends joining a preschool mid year. My husband on the other hand did a complete 180 in the car and told me that he'd always thought "there was something wrong with that kid" and he probably is autistic.

Finally, the most frustrating part is that we asked what will happen after the SENCO assessment. The head of early years told us nothing really, we might get a few strategies to help, but that would be it as his autism would be too mild to get support.

I was almost left wondering what the point of the diagnosis is, if they are so uninterested in the results. Do I think he has issues that he might need help with? Yes. He's certainly more anxious since being at the preschool.

I'll that he's very verbal for his age. One odd thing that I've noticed is that he does like to press buttons in lifts and traffic lights. Sometimes he will get upset if he can't, sometimes he wont.

We don't really get rages, screaming in public etc.

A lot of what you describe sounds like issues that are fairly typical for boys of his age e.g. not wanting to stop playing, not wanting to sit still. It might be worth talking to the senco about what think there is a more significant issue. It's unusual for a school to want to suggest referrals if there isn't an issue.

On why get a diagnosis - some children cope well when they are younger but as they get older demands become more difficult and they may start to struggle. For my son, making friends was easy in nursery where social interaction is relatively straightforward. As he has got older and friendship has got more complicated it's got much more difficult.

Your view on the symptoms of autism are very stereotypical, so try not to focus too much on those.

Every child with autism is different, and some struggle with different areas where others thrive.

There is no harm in pursuing a diagnosis, if anything it will open up any help your DS may need further on in his education. It will not hinder him in any way.

You are lucky that school are wanting to pursue a diagnosis at this age, once a child gets over 5, it is increasingly harder to get a diagnosis and can take years. Take the request for testing and run with it. There is nothing to lose really.

Thanks for replying, I've been going crazy over this.

I'm bothered by the fact that both him and his first friend are being sent to see the Senco for the same issue.

I'm not saying that there isn't something to diagnose and I'm happy to have the test. It just feels a little like hunting for anything, rather than looking for something.

I guess them saying that after diagnosis he's unlikely to get an EHC threw me a little. Then to say they want to channel his energies into music and arts was quite unexpected and I'm struggling to fit it all together.

Regardless, I want him to be able to make friends easily so it's important to pursue this.

Thanks for that ALemoneyPea. I can agree with you that I might not have the correct view of autism symptoms.

However, I'm struggling because the preschool were so vague about what issues / symptoms there are. On the other hand, he's been with them for four months now, so they must have an idea of him.

The thing that bothers me most is that if he does get a diagnosis we shouldn't expect to get an EHC. So I'm less than sure where that will leave us?

They may be suggesting that a diagnosis will help get some funding for him, not necessarily an EHC. They may also just be saying some vague issues that have raised some concern, once you speak to someone more knowledgeable they would ask questions you may not see relevant but may point them towards a diagnosis.

If there's any chance he's autistic then it's probably worth pursuing while you've got school onside. The SENCo cannot diagnose so if they have alluded to this they are wrong. The SENCo can observe and make recommendations, one of those may be to pursue formal assessment.

I agree that you do perhaps have a fairly stereotyped view of autism so it might be worth doing some reading around the subject.

Waiting lists for assessment are very long, averaging over 3 years, so it's far better to get on the list when suspicions are first raised than to leave it until/if things become challenging.

And to add, don't worry too much about EHCPs right now. Your concern needs to be making sure that any extra needs your ds has are recognised and supported.

Thanks so much for the replies.

I've discovered that my husband actually suggested autism to the teacher two weeks before without me knowing.

He's now claiming that he's always known our son was autistic and he's tried to tell me many times. He can only name one.

We have very different parenting styles. For instance, if our son needs to put away his dinosaurs but doesn't, then I'll ask why he doesn't want to and explain that his dinosaurs could get damaged or we won't have room to get other toys.

My husband prefers strong discipline and claims our son is an emotionally manipulative boy who plays me or anyone he can. He would start counting to give and threaten to throw the dinosaurs in the bin once he reached five.

For him, everything is about giving our son countdowns, threats and sending him to the naughty step. I prefer to talk to our son about why he needs to do things and more often than not it works.

To be honest, this claim that he's always known annoyed me, he's directly blamed my parenting style and also told me I'm probably autistic.

I asked my husband, why then does he avoid bath and bedtime so much? Why do I do most of the school run? Why is he always out at the gym, or playing golf or seeing friends? Why is he often away at the weekend?

His answer flawed me. He claimed that he gave up trying to talk to me about the autism,I assume because I don't believe in constant countdowns, naughty steps and threatening to throw toys away.

Instead, he decided that his life is too stressful and he need to focus on self preservation and that's the best thing for our family.

I cannot understand how he could genuinely think our son was suffering, that my parenting style is so wrong and then decide that focussing on the gym, golf and his friends was the right thing to do.

He's explained that once we get the diagnosis, we need to set up strict boundaries, schedules for meals, assigned playtimes and I need to be much tougher.

He's also said that he refuses to be guilted by me because he's chosen to focus on himself as it's the way he manages and is none of my business.

There is no such thing as mild autism, at least not in the diagnostic process, and the term Aspergers is no longer used. There is a reference to low and high functioning autism but both come with its own unique set of challenges, and one is not meant to be 'better' than the other. If a child is autistic then they are born autistic, it is nothing no one has done and certainly not because of choices in parenting styles. At its core autism is a social communication disorder, and while autistic individuals are and can present quite uniquely they all share a common thread in regards to deficits in social communication. For example, there is a very strong correlation between a toddler not pointing to share interests with a carer (like a plane in the sky) by 18M of age and a future diagnosis. This can be extended to other traits like social referencing, praise seeking, showing/giving to share, pointing to requests, triadic eye gaze, and other basic but critical forms of social communication that a normally developing child will demonstrate between 12-24M of age - delays in these areas between these ages would be very concerning.