AIBU to ask my 10 y/o HF - ASD child to chew with his closed?

[sugarMike]

I've lived my partner and her high functioning asd child for two years. We all get on really well and have been through some great highs and troubling lows.

Now, I'm always polite when I ask but I'm wearing a little thin on patience. I've tried asking in different ways, like saying "chew with your mouth closed please" and @please close your mouth when you chew". I've even tried asking him to take smaller bites. He just apologises and goes right back to it on the next bite.

Today I asked him at breakfast, at dinner and at tea time we were watching tv and eating when I asked him again. I said that if he did it again that I would turn off the tv. Well, he apologised again but went back to loudly chewing so I turned off the tv and he left the room in a strop and came back to slam the door. My partner went to console him upstairs, I was really angry that he stormed off but I left it to her. Half an hour later he came down and gave the most unbelievable apology. He's a very smart kid and I think he's just getting by being bad by just apologising.

Am I right to be annoyed? Do any of the parents on here remember being told similar things off their parents? I did the right thing by doing the punishment I said, right?

TL;DR - ASD kid chews with mouth open, I asked him to stop and turned off tv as punishment but child stormed off. Am I right to be annoyed?

Phew, thanks for taking the time to read this :)

It strikes me that you are making a big assumption around his ability to actually do what you request.

Few things, 1)he may not realise he is eating with his mouth open. My autistic child swears blind she isn't. If they don't realise they are because their sensory perception isn't picking it up, how do they stop?

2. you are assuming that hearing a request is the same as understanding what the request means.

3. you are assuming that hearing a request and understanding in theory what it means, means you can actually achieve that request. Which links back to my first point a little.

You can't punish a child for failing to do something if, for whatever reason, they can't actually do it. You have to work out why they are finding this request difficult. Is it the instruction isn't processing? Is it that he doesn't actually realise he is eating with his mouth open? Is it that the many tasks required to eat, breathe, keep mouth closed, chew, swallow, all at the same time are too much to process?

Basically, give the kid a break. Improve your understanding of how autism is affecting this child (high functioning is a fairly useless phrase really, how well an autistic person functions fluctuates wildly depending on the individual and what they are trying to do). And don't punish children for things that may not be in their control.

I really feel you need to educate yourself on asd. This is most probably a sensory need and all you are doing is bringing attention to it and shaming this child. You have accepted your partner and her child with asd and frankly that is everything that comes with it. Whilst I am not saying children with asd can not be taught to change or adapt (dependant on the task) is this is a sensory need they won't know what they are doing and whilst it could take a normal child possibly 5 attempts to change a child with asd may never happen or will take a considerable time longer.

Frankly if I was your partner I would not have got my child to apologist and I feel you owe the apology is some one told you tomorrow you need to deliver brain surgery and it wasn't in your capacity to do this you wouldn't apologise would you.

Please please educate yourself !