I have a 10 yo DS (11 this year) diagnosed with ADHD, autistic traits and sensory processing difficulties. He was diagnosed at 7 and as he’s getting older I truly believe he probably has ODD too although I’ve not spoken to anyone about this.
He is such a kind hearted, thoughtful, funny, loving and generous boy but all that is often overshadowed with his behaviour and attitude.
Anything sensory, anything that overwhelms him and makes him anxious, routines, physical needs etc I cope with just fine (I hope) and can meet all of his needs but his behaviour, or more so attitude actually I am really struggling with.
If I could just bundle my children up without money worries or educational worries etc I’d love nothing more than to just disappear with them and never have to deal with school ever again. Although my eldest would stay in school because he thrives educationally and although I suspect he’s mildly on the spectrum I’ve never had any behavioural concerns with him and he gets on brilliantly with school. So basically not disappear but just get my youngest out of school.
At home he used to be very violent but over the years with hard work that has phased out and he is very very rarely physically aggressive anymore.
He has calmed down with his outbursts allot but now he just has a very rude attitude. He refuses things regularly, will swear allot. He shouts allot but I believe that’s not always intentional (we’re working on indoor volume control). And he is so regularly defensive and angry and I don’t even know why. It breaks my heart to see him struggling but not able to change things.
The start of this school year (year 6) he was doing so well and really settled into his new class. He was achieving really well academically too but it seems to have really slipped lately and I need some help and advice on how to help him regain the positive attitude.
He’s having a few issues with another boy and this boy is saying and doing things to him with a hand over his mouth but pretending he’s coughing whilst calling him names etc, doing things after checking there’s not a teacher around etc but my DS reacts out loud in front of teachers and then gets punished. I try to talk to him about reactions and self control but he’s very impulsive and doesn’t think about that until afterwards. Ive spoken to the class teacher about the other boy and she has said she’s very aware it’s two way but my DS doesn’t tell a teacher he just reacts and that’s all the teacher sees so he is punished.
He’s always had issues with other children. I truly believe he’s been bullied over the years but it’s been minimised by the school because he retaliates. He’s been hurt allot over the years, kicked, punched, pushed, you name it. Just yesterday in fast he cane home in pe shorts because another child pushed him in a puddle at break time. He said one boy kicks the door open every time he uses the loo and tells him he’s going to rape him in a corner! The school just brush all this off though and tell me “but he always retaliates”.
He is regularly in trouble and the school told me this week that they’re not going to be nice with him anymore they will just issue detentions for bad attitude etc which I understand but I don’t think will work for him. He needs understanding.
He has said a million times that if he is angry he needs a few minutes to feel calm before he talks but the teachers say they’ll give him that but then don’t. He doesn’t always help himself by voicing his needs but he does find that difficult, it’s so hard.
It’s like the teachers don’t see the additional needs because they know when he really works hard and tries he gets on so then if he is struggling with things they think he needs strict punishment.
He told me yesterday that his behavioural teacher told him “you have failed the last 3 years, let’s not fail this one too” 
I just want to take him and run away
How can I help him?
I talk with him, I try to always stay calm, firm but fair and consistent, I have moments where I shout and I cry in private sometimes but I do my very best. I attend weekly meetings at the school and speak with the teacher most days as she calls me over or comes over to tell me he’s had a bad day. I requested outside involvement to work with the school and me which I was so grateful to receive and do half termly meetings with the behavioural lead and them present.
In the meetings I’m always told that everything is great and he’s doing so well but day to day and week to week it isn’t the same story.
If I bring up issues of bullying and anything I feel is unfair it’s minimised and it’s always said how he’ll react and that’s (to them) the issue.
I’m very on side with the school and see it must be frustrating to get the rude and defiant attitude but I just don’t know what to do to help him right now. I’m also on side with my son. He is my son. I feel like I’m betraying him sometimes by backing the school up when he thinks things are unfair.
I’ve not got rose tinted glasses, sometimes I know he’s just being awkward and defiant but sometimes he probably has a very good point!
I’m scared that he will loose his positivity about school and I don’t know what to do does anyone have any advice or similar experience?
Anything will be appreciated.